Please critique my UC Personal Statement #1

<p>Prompt 1 : Describe the world you come from – for example, your family, community or school – and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<pre><code>To be successful, I must use my full potential. I come from a world in which my family has abnormally high expectations for me. My parents have such high expectations because my brother, who attended a costly private school, failed to meet their expectations. They knew that he had the capability and intelligence to succeed, but he did not put full effort into his education. Thus, he was unable to fulfill my parents’ dreams of having the best possible future for their children. My family story made me realize that slacking off is not an option; I must devote myself to my academics so that I can pursue my dream of going to a respected college with my intended major, engineering.
My parents have always prioritized me and my brother over everything else. Despite their low-paying, tedious, struggling business, they have spent an enormous amount of money on me, spending thousands of dollars on tutoring, SAT courses, and college counseling. My parents have constantly reminded me that the work that I am putting in now will pay off in the future. They also spent thousands of dollars paying for an expensive private school for my brother, who shattered shattered their hearts by attempting suicide. We were all in a state of despair after discovering my brother’s suicide attempt, trying to cope with it through family counseling and therapy. Then, I realized that the only way I can possibly repay them for all the sacrifices they made for me and my brother is by living up to their childhood dreams, going to a brilliant college, something they did not have the opportunity to do as poor children in China. Through the encouragement of my parents and my brother’s failure to meet their expectations, I know what the importance of being a first generation college student means to my family. As a first-generation student, I have two roles: to do what my parents did not have the opportunity to do and to be as successful as I possibly can.
Despite my goals of attending an admired college, I understand that not everything will be freely handed to me and that dreams and aspirations must be earned, not given. When I was younger, I relied on my family to get allowances. After seeing the way my parents worked 16 hours a day earning just enough to pay for their expenses, I felt the need to help them. Every time I have the chance, I assist them in running their restaurant, cleaning dishes, helping customers, and making food. Thus, I experienced the hard work that my parents have to go through on a daily basis and further understood why they want me to attend a respected college. In college, I want to perform similar work that is fulfilling, yet challenging. The satisfaction of having my own dedication, effort, and motivation redeem itself is priceless, whereas having something gifted to me is not as satisfying.
My dream to attend a prestigious college with my intended major, engineering, was inspired by my ability to create, to build, to make something of and by myself for others. In taking the most rigorous Mathematics courses available, I have realized that it is the language of life; I can apply it to any situation, no matter how small it may seem. In understanding this language, I have been able to succeed not only in my Mathematics courses, but also in my Metal Orientation class, in which I discovered my talent and passion of building great structures integral to the foundation of our society.
One of the most important influences of my life is my family. My parents have been there for me my whole life and have taught me important life lessons that I will never forget; they taught me to always try my best on everything I do and to make a difference in the world. I will always carry these qualities everywhere I go. The only way to prosper is to surround myself around an environment that is most conducive to the goals I have for my family, the world, and myself. Attending a prestigious college would be a significant and satisfying experience that would decide the outcome of my future.
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<p>Also if you want, you can PM me so we can talk about it. its 690 words long. should i shorten it?</p>

<p>Delete the first sentence.</p>

<p>For some reason i feel like the 4th paragragh (the one about engineering and math) doesnt fit in. should i delete it or revise it?</p>

<p>When they say ‘tell,’ see it as an invitation to illustrate a story. This was boring and generic. Sorry to be harsh, but you’re capable of much more and I want you to get accepted. Look for essay advice guides by digmedia and other people in this forum.</p>

<p>I went by this guide : <a href=“https://admissions.sa.ucsb.edu/docs/default-source/PDFs/ucsb-personal-statement.pdf?sfvrsn=2”>https://admissions.sa.ucsb.edu/docs/default-source/PDFs/ucsb-personal-statement.pdf?sfvrsn=2&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>It told me not to use creative writing (poems, scene-setting, or cliches), so I just went straight to the point.</p>

<p>Also it said avoid scene-setting - we don’t need to be in the moment with you. so i avoided that.</p>

<p>I read the article. Since that’s the college you’re applying to and that’s what they recommend, stick with it! </p>

<p>I have lots of issues with this. i am completely turned off by the first sentence - @adela22 is right on about that. But I have other issues too.</p>

<p>The whole thing comes across as “my parents and I want me to go to a ‘name’ college” rather than thinking that a UC school would be a good fit for you. Talking about the “thousands” spent on SAT courses, etc. is REALLY NOT a good thing here.</p>

<p>I also agree about the 4th paragraph. The sentence about “building great structures integral to the foundation of our society” is especially over-the-top.</p>

<p>I would seriously rethink this whole idea (not the foundations of your family, but about the idea of needing - at all costs - a “prestige” college).</p>

<p>As it stands now, this essay would detract from your overall application. As @ladyly says, “Sorry to be harsh.”</p>

<p>So should I remove anything mentioning prestige or well known? and just mention that i want to go to college?</p>

<p>“After seeing the way my parents worked 16 hours a day earning just enough to pay for their expenses, I felt the need to help them. Every time I have the chance, I assist them in running their restaurant, cleaning dishes, helping customers, and making food. Thus, I experienced the hard work that my parents have to go through on a daily basis and further understood why they want me to attend a respected college. In college, I want to perform similar work that is fulfilling, yet challenging. The satisfaction of having my own dedication, effort, and motivation redeem itself is priceless…”</p>

<p>Here are my thoughts. </p>

<p>The above has the potential for a good essay. Start over, delete the original essay. Write a new essay focusing on your family’s background of working hard to provide education for a better life. DESCRIBE growing up in this world. Show admissions your family’s “restaurant” world. What is a day like dealing with customers, cleaning dishes, etc? What insights did you realize? What lessons have you learned? </p>

<p>Also, answer the second part of the prompt - how this SHAPED your dreams and aspirations. What are your aspirations? It doesn’t have to be a limited to a specific major or career. </p>

<p>Always keep a neutral or positive tone. No blaming. No venting. No anger.</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck! </p>

<p>I like the sentence ‘I understand that not everything will be freely handed to me and that dreams and aspirations must be earned, not given.’ However, to be honest and blunt, your essay as a whole didn’t move me at all. I can see your struggle but it’s all so general, I can’t really feel you as a unique person. Also, you put too much emphasis on desire to enter a prestigious, I mean, I totally get it, but can you say that in another way? It seems like the only thing in your eyes is sth to do with prestige, I don’t like this sense of utilitarianism.
On the other hand, I believe your story is genuine, and surly you can do a better job. Just shift the focus a little bit.</p>