Please, evaluate my essay, thanks!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Good time of the day! I am getting ready for the SAT and struggling with evaluating my essay objectivly :). The topic sound like: "Some people beleive there is a perfect solution to everything, foolproof plan or correct intepretation. But there is always a however for each of so-called final answers." Assignment: Is there always another explanation or another point of view? Please, tell me how you would mark my response. I will be very grateful.</p>

<p>Some people think in a narrow way and give a solution to some problem with a feeling that it is the only one out there or the best one; however any problem can be overviewed from a different point, which might bring a better solution. So any person should not be so stubborn when thinking that his way is perfect.</p>

<p>When I was ten years old I used to think there is nothing better than a black Mercedes. With time, though, I figured Volkswagens have better fuel consumption and Jeeps are way more capacious. Also, black color makes car very hot inside and shows every particle of dust on the outside. My opinion in this case changed, because I did not take in account many details and dismissed other people's opinions such as my friend's, who said Landrovers have better clearance. This taught me that there always got to be other ways when drawing a conclusion.</p>

<p>Also, I once met a guy who thought that physics has already come to its end . He claimed that Newton and Einstein have done it all for the science and in fact he was truly sure about his conclusion. When I acknowledge him about the string theory he had to change his point of view, because it broke his frame of thinking that almost everything has been discovered.</p>

<p>So after a person sums it all up and brings a solution so some kind of problem, he should look at other people’s solutions and opinions; he ought always to be ready to go against his own one, if the failure of which is obvious.</p>

<p>Now when I look at it, I think it is small. But that is what I could do in 25 mins... Thanks!</p>

2

<p>Your examples need to sound more academic. You could rewrite your car example from the perspective of modern marketing and make the same point. Likewise you could have made the same point in physics without introducing the too casual “I once met a guy”.</p>

<p>The conclusion should be stronger. Why do these two examples show “there is <em>always</em> another explanation”?</p>

3

<p>I may not be the best SAT essay writer or critic out there but here’s my opinion:</p>

<p>Firstly, lets talk about the positives:

  1. You stated your stance immediately, which is a mistake many people tend to make. Doing this ensures the Examiner knows your focus in the essay which is essential when aiming for anything above a 4-5/12 in the essay. </p>

<ol>
<li><p>You demonstrated decent structuring within your essay mostly following the conventional but effective intro-body-body-(body)-conclusion format. This structure in my opinion is the safest way to format any SAT essay as it flows well.</p></li>
<li><p>You gave a reasonable personal recount from your personal life by talking about how your perspective of which type of car is best changed over time. However, I feel that the way in which the example was written fails to leave a positive impression since it was not developed to its full potential. I think you could have perhaps talked more about the implications of having different views. For example since this particular example reflects your personal experience, you could elaborate on the learning experiences you gained from it in relation to the essay prompt. I would rewrite the example to include the following points:</p></li>
<li><p>I used to think that black mercedes were the best cars</p></li>
<li><p>because of the positive reputation my family (or anyone else) associated to it. </p></li>
<li><p>I adamantly kept to this view refusing to consider other cars as better; that was, until I turned 16.</p></li>
<li><p>Old to enough to drive, I was more conscious about the different qualities that different types of cars possessed as I would soon be driving one of them. </p></li>
<li><p>As friends boasted the qualities of other cars, I began comparing them to those of a black mercedes car.</p></li>
<li><p>At that point, it appeared to me that every other persons’ viewed black mercedes cars as a waste of money. </p></li>
<li><p>In fact, even my physics teacher who lectured that black cars were ‘sweat machines’ felt so.</p></li>
<li><p>It was then that I had a paradigm shift; I learnt that the ideal car of my adolescence was not so ideal after all.</p></li>
<li><p>From this personal experience, I learnt that one has to appreciate alternate points of view to any given situation as more often than not, there are points of view that are better.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Anyways now for some things that could be improved on: </p>

<ol>
<li>Grammar. This is the most common mistake of all, which I probably also made within this reply. However, even though it is common, it does not mean that it is alright. In fact, it is far from alright since it directly affects your essay grade.</li>
</ol>

<p>Within your essay there were a couple of phrases which were not grammatically correct such as “other people’s opinions such as my friend’s, who said Landrovers have better clearance.” Can you spot the mistake? </p>

<p>If you said the mistake was “friend’s” then you are right. Though the above statement may sound grammatically correct, when you continue your sentence with “who said Landrovers have better clearance.” after “friend’s (which refers to friend’s opinion)”, you are carelessly suggesting that your friend’s opinion said that Landrovers have better clearance, which does not make sense at all.</p>

<p>I know this may seem silly but grammar is grammar and grammar is silly at times. If you do not understand the mistake, you can look at the writing section grammar points of any common SAT book as this is a common SAT mistake. </p>

<p>A good grammar book to check out if you have time would be Grammar Smart by the Princeton Review. If you are short on time, check out a Barron or Kaplan SAT book for writing and just use the quick grammar points there. You can also find useful grammar lists online for free if you do not wish to buy books.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Evidence:
It is good that you noticed that your essay was short but it is also important to know why it is short. The problem lies in the fact that you only used two points of evidence (or two body paragraphs) when in most SAT essays, it is best to aim for 3. Although 2-4 is an acceptable range of the number of points you should give, using 2 often requires that the two points be profoundly developed. In the case of the essay you presented, the first point was decent but it is not well developed enough. In the case of the second point, I was lost in reading it half way and I think that it is underdeveloped and slightly confusing. It is also important to note that examples should be interesting while stay relevant to the topic. </p></li>
<li><p>Vocabulary
SAT examiners do look at vocabulary contrary to popular belief and thus, it is essential to build up a strong vocabulary to implant into your essay. Some vocabulary books I would recommend would be 'Word Smart & More Word Smart" by Princeton Review, which cover over 1000 SAT words each. (Use it if you have 2 or more months before your SAT). Otherwise, you can try The Insider’s Complete Guide to SAT Vocabulary: The Essential 500 Words, which is a comprehensive 500 word vocabulary list, which gives the most useful words to learn. The two volumes of Direct Hit SAT vocabulary books are also useful. The added benefit of learning vocabulary (though boring as it may seem), is that you will also improve your Critical Reading score while working on boosting your SAT essay grade; thus, killing two birds with one stone. </p></li>
<li><p>The Conclusion Counts.
Many a time, after writing for 20 minutes or so, we all tend to want to write a scruffy conclusion. However, remember that the conclusion is what the marker reads right before he assigns your essay a grade. For the essay, I feel that the conclusion is lacking substance and is not really concluding the essay at all. In fact, it is not even addressing the question unfortunately :(. Do not fret too much though, just try to allocate more time to a better conclusion through better time management (which can be developed through reading the famous essay guide by Academichacker) (<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html&lt;/a&gt;). </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Now for the verdict (score):
From whatever I’ve read and using the Barron’s rubrics (which I consider to be fabulous)
I think the essay would score:</p>

<p>4/6 for Position of Topic
3/6 for Organization of Evidence
3/6 for Sentence Structure
3/6 for Level of Vocabulary
3/6 for Grammar and Usage
3/6 for Overall effect</p>

<p>This averages to a 3/6 from a single marker and 6/12 as a composite score of two markers. This is a decent grade but I believe you are capable of scoring much higher :slight_smile: All the best with your future SAT essay writing endeavors!</p>

4

<p>Hindsight1, Argbargy, thank you very much! Hindsight1, thanks for your detailed explanation of characteristics of my essay. You gave me some food for the brain… Yeah, now I get the “friend’s” mistake. From now on, I actually see where to work. Concerning vocabulary, a month ago I bought John LaCarna’s book “1413 words. A quick and easy way”. Although I have not finished it yet, it already helps me a lot. But for sure I am going to work with some of other books you suggested me: Princeton review sound useful :). My raw conlcusion was probably a product of lacking experince, and “essay in 25 mins” is comparable to “run like Usain Bolt”. However, I will try out the way from the link you gave me and practice.</p>

<p>By the way, it is alright to make up the points, which seem to be unreal, but still support the main idea?</p>

<p>Thank you very much!</p>

5

<p>Well, the SAT rubrics never said anything about penalizing you for accuracy of evidence so I guess you could probably get away with that. Just try not to make it a blatant lie like George Washington swore to defeat Hitler; otherwise the examiner may have a bad impression and mark down your essay even though it is not part of the rubrics. Just think about what you would do as a grader if you see that lie popping up.</p>

<p>However, one thing you can easily make up without getting caught is your personal experiences. Unless the collegeboard hires spies or private investigators to investigate the history of every test taker (which believe me, they don’t), then there is no way they will no that you fabricated essay. </p>

<p>That being said though, it is better to try to be as truthful as possible for moral reasons. It does not feels good to lie even if its a white lie. (This reminds me of a SAT essay question I saw a while ago. Question: Is it ever justifiable to lie? (you can try writing a practice essay on this if you want. :smiley: ))</p>

<p>Thus, for personal experiences, I recommend you stick to the truth with some exaggeration here and there unless you are completely unsure of what to write. However, for literary and historical facts, try to abstain from fabricating stories.</p>

6

<p>Ok, I see :). That is just sometimes easier for me to make up a situation if I cannot immediately find a geniune example. Practice is always good :). I will keep in mind all your advices and come back some time later with, hopefully, a better essay. But thats a totally different story…
Thanks. I appreciate your help :)</p>