Please go through my essay here. Thank you

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>“Freedom requires the eradication of repression from tyrants and from want,
but eliminating these is not enough. We must also eliminate the means by which we oppress ourselves, through our peeves, our addictions, and in our insecurities. This may involve strengthening the restraints within ourselves.”</p>

<p>Assignment Does freedom require eliminating all restraints, or does it creating or strengthening new restrains?</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>In preserving freedom, certain restrains need to be established or reaffirmed. In ensuring our freedom of choice is not obstructed by either our own vices or by the selfish motives of others, boundaries, rules, and self imposed virtues need to be set and underscored in not only our societies but also within ourselves.
In the book “The Great Gatsby”, Jay Gatsby forsook his freedom of choice by allowing his obsessions for Daisy Buchanan to control his every decision in the last five years of his life. Instead of restraining his futile obsessions for a married woman, he allowed his overwhelming obsession to win Daisy’s love to control his life path. He even chose a criminal career to cater to his unbridled obsessions. In the end, Jay Gatsby died an unhappy man because he lived a life that was not controlled by his own will but by his unbridled obsessions for Daisy which finally led to his untimely death. Jay Gatsby’s life exemplify what happens when we allow our freedom of choice to be usurped by our unrestrained passions and obsessions in life.
In Burma, the freedom of its citizens has been completely obliterated by a tyrannical government precisely because there were no restrictions imposed and exercised on the ruling powers. If there had been restrictions exercised to limit and define the power of the rulers in Burma within the boundaries of constitutions and legislations, Burma’s democratic process will not have been sullied. Furthermore, the people’s freedom of choice will not have been taken away by the Burma Junta. For example, rules should have been imposed to ensure a fair and unbiased election process was conducted every few years. Thus, such a move would have allowed the Burmese people to exercise their freedom of choice without hindrance.
Whether the restrains are self-imposed or put in place by constitutions and legislations, such restrains are there to ensure one’s freedom of choice is not bilked away. Restraints are more so important to protect each individual’s freedom of choice from the negative desires and motives of mankind.</p>

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<p>9/12.</p>

<p>Examples are good. Some grammatical errors. Last sentence makes no sense. Could use a little more length, but not really needed.</p>

<p>Here’s some specific stuff:
Your use of underscored is awkward and unnecessary.
Burma’s democratic process would not have been sullied
“restrains” in the intro and conclusion should be “restraints”
Comma should be within the quote: “The Great Gatsby**,”** …
“In ensuring our freedom of choice is not obstructed by either our own vices or by the selfish motives of others, boundaries, rules, and self imposed virtues need to be set in our societies and in ourselves.” It’s less wordy (and perhaps less confusing) this way.</p>

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<p>Thanks iin77!</p>