Please grade first essay attempt

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<p>Assignment: Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way? </p>

<p>People accomplish more when they are allowed to do things their own way. Several examples from literature clearly demonstrate that repressing people’s creativity and unique way of thinking produces poor results, while giving free rein is more likely to result in success.
The play “Lysistrata” by Aristophanes is an excellent example of a person using an original method to solve a problem. By taking charge and leading an army of women to rebel against the men at war, Lysistrata was revolting against social norms and acceptable behavior. However, by approaching the problem from her own unique perspective, she succeeded and was able to bring a stop to the fighting between the Athenians and the Spartans. Clearly, Lysistrata’s creative approach enabled her to achieve her goal.
A second example occurs in the book Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. The book describes a futuristic distopia in which books are illegal. The government manages the citizens by squelching creativity, discouraging critical thinking and curiosity, and encouraging the pursuit of mindless pleasure. Books are illegal mainly because they highlight the difference between minorities, and may cause offense. People’s identities are blurred into a single mass of unthinking creatures focused only on entertainment. As a result, the distopian world’s intelligence is at an all-time low. Progress is non-existent, and the future is bleak. The result of repressing unique perspectives and ways of solving problems is a failure to succeed and achieve. In consideration of Fahrenheit 451, it seems obvious that not allowing people to express their individual views and do things their own way can lead to disastrous results
In conclusion, Lysistrata and Fahrenheit 451 illustrate the benefits of letting people solve problems with their own unique method, and demonstrate the consequences of attempting to fit people into identical molds. The great composer Mozart once said, “I pay no attention whatsoever to anybody’s praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.” Clearly, more is accomplished when people are allowed to do things their own way.</p>

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<p>Pretty Please</p>

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<p>You’ve got a superfluous sentence in your 2nd body paragraph: “Books are illegal mainly because they highlight the difference between minorities, and may cause offense.” This is an unnecessary detail that digresses from your main logic. This is a very competent essay, but (always a “but”) you didn’t support your examples with enough valid logic and elaboration. I saw too many repetitions of the word “clearly”, which is pretty bad because it gives a bad impression holistically. I saw that your 2nd example was well selected, but poorly depicted. I thought that the first 3 sentences were okay, but after the sentence “Books… cause offense.”, I feel that there’s a certain disconnection between “People’s… on entertainment.” and “The government… mindless pleasure.”</p>

<p>But hey, I’m not a perfect writer, so that’s just my two cents. I’d give this essay a 4/6, maybe a 5/6 (and when I say maybe, I mean maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe).</p>

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<p>Thanks, very helpful! Anyone else?</p>

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<p>Distopia = dystopia (I remember researching material for Orwell’s 1984 . . . concepts in this essay were reminiscent). I don’t have much time to critique, but that jumped out at me :)</p>