Please grade my essay :-D

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>This is from the Kaplan 12 Practice Tests for the SATs. Practice Test 1)</p>

<p>This is the prompt:
“No one is contended in this world, I believe. There is always something left to desire, and the last thing longed for always seems the most necessary to happiness.”
-Marie Corelli, A Romance of Two Worlds</p>

<p>Do you think that people are capable of finding happiness or are they always searching for something beyond what they have? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>Here is my essay:</p>

<pre><code>People are always searching for something beyond what they have, but this does not mean they cannot find happiness. People who seek out higher paying jobs or the latest cell phone or technological gadget are not necessarily unhappy with their current ones, but simply want ones that are more satisfying.
There is a constant stream of new cell phones or other technological devices that are hitting the markets, each better the its predecessor. Likewise there is a large pool of consumers that feel they would be remiss if they did not purchase the latest version of the Iphone or the newest E-reader. This does not mean that they are unhappy, however. It simply means that they are searching for something they do not have because it can make them happier. A person can be perfectly content with his current phone but he may purchase a new one because it would be an improvement.
The same rule applies to a man who wishes to receive a promotion or to get a better job. He may be perfectly satisfied with his current position but may seek higher paying and more prestigious employment due to the improvement it can bring. He is already happy with his decent, steady salary and beautiful home but this new job can improve his life and add to his current happiness.
Humans can be happy with what they have but still seek what they don’t, as it can supplement their existing satisfaction. I t seems that people don’t necessarily seek what they don’t have, but instead they seek improvements to what they do have.
</code></pre>

2

<p>(I have gotten a 36 ACT with 12/12 essay and 800 Writing SAT)</p>

<p>I am guessing at where the new paragraphs start. Here are things I noticed:</p>

<ol>
<li>The way you present your intro paragraph is good. You are clear in what you are saying and give an official thesis statement.</li>
<li>Your intro parapraph is too brief. You need to elaborate more on what you are talking about. Also, I feel rushed into the essay. The intro’s purpose is to lead readers into your body by lightly touching on what is to come.</li>
<li>Your 1st body paragraph deals with the specific idea of electronics. These examples are always loved by readers.</li>
<li>That same paragraph sounds weak due to a lack of analysis. You need to explain and prove to the readers why you are right. Why would a new phone make people happier? Why are they happy with their current phone?</li>
<li>Your ending sentence is the 1st body paragraph sums everything up nicely.</li>
<li>Unlike the 1st body, the 2nd body paragraph has some analysis: you are pointing out why the man is currently happy (steady salary, home, etc). But we need more analysis still. How can the new job make him happier? How does a steady salary and beautiful home make him happy?</li>
<li>I like the specific example of jobs. Your two examples are good.</li>
<li>You didn;t give a topic sentence or concluding sentence in that paragraph. Although, I was able to see what your point was in that paragraph, I had to make an educated guess: write something like you did witht he last sentence of the 1st body.</li>
<li>Your conclusion was a bit confusing…maybe make it simpler?</li>
</ol>

<p>Overall, you need more analysis and justification. You have great points, but they are not supported and thus sounds like a weak argument. Clear topic/concluding sentences will also clarify your points. </p>

<p>5/12 It may seem low, but just a little extra analysis and justification will send your score up to around an 8 or higher.</p>