Please grade my essay out of 6..

Test Preparation
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<p>I'm an international student ( few years out of high school), so don't have any where else where I can get my essays graded. Please grade my essay and give me feedback. Would greatly appreciate it. :)</p>

<p>Think carefully about the information presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.People's lives are the result of the choices they make—or fail to make. The path one takes in life is not arbitrary. Choices and their consequences determine the course of every person's life. All people, whatever their circumstances, make the choices on which their lives depend.</p>

<p>Assignment:
Are people's lives the result of the choices they make? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>The shape a person's life takes is determined by the choices he makes.History is replete with instances of prominent figures, who when confronted with impossibly daunting circumstances, have chosen to take take the bull by the horn, and overcome the circumstances through their sheer will. </p>

<p>Fredrick Douglas, a slave who was able to achieve his freed, is one such figure. He was born a slave, in the 19th century. At the time slaves and coloured people in general, seldom learned to read and write. But Douglas saw that educating himself was the first step to a better life. So he trained himself to read and write. He had to do so, on his own, and often surreptiously, as it was illegal for slaves to learn at that time. Nonetheless he managed to learn to read and write and came to realize more and more the evilness of the practice of slavery. So he choses to escape and train himself to be adroit at various profession. He supported himself by working as a caulker. But he wasn't just satisfied with his own freedom, so he goes on to contribute to the debate regarding abolition of slavery. His eloquent writings prove pivotal in dispelling notions regarding africans' intelligence. Thus we see he was able to improve his life and those of his fellow slaves, through the choice makes. Other slaves, who didn't choose to take proactive action, had to suffer more. </p>

<p>Oprah Winfrey is another figure who was able to achieve greatness, despite difficult circumstances. Her father left the family when she was a kid, and her mother faced mental issues. She had to take care of herself, as well as her siblings, so she took up a job at the age of 13 itself. She even scrounged for scraps in the streets, in order to feed herself and her sisters. In addition to all this, she also suffered from dyslexia. Despite such trying circumstances, Oprah chose to work hard, and through her sheer tenacity, manages to get good grades and into a good college. Today she is a millionare and a talk show host. Her mother attributes her sheer will as the factor separating her from her more more intelligent sisters. </p>

<h2>Thus we see that, an individual always has the power to change his or her life. All it takes is proactive steps from him or her , to change it for the better. </h2>

<p>Thanks.</p>

2

<p>Overall, a good essay. 4</p>

<p>Comments:
The introduction paragraph is solid. Possibly consider a slightly more elegant introductory sentence, but what you have is fine. Also, one minor grammar note: change “…instances of prominent figure, who…” to “instances of prominent figures who, when…”</p>

<p>The body paragraphs are where you can really improve:

  1. You need to revise or do your introductions better. Your essay lacks any flow transitioning from paragraph to paragraph and that can easily be fixed by having intro/concluding sentence to each essay. Introduction sentence should preface what the whole paragraph is about (which you do), but also needs to be phrased in a way that doesn’t seem abrupt.
  2. More importantly, is your concluding sentences for each paragraph need work! You don’t tie everything together, and instead you leave it open. A concluding sentence that summarizes that paragraph’s content in relation to your thesis is KEY and will make your writing WAY better.
  3. Try writing a third body paragraph. When the graders look at your essay, they read it in a very short period of time so first impressions are good. You can remove some of your repetition in your other body paragraphs to save time.
  4. Too much data, not enough warrant. Your body paragraphs contain a lot of evidence, and that is good, but when writing an argumentation essay, you need to be proving a point and the evidence is just there to help. Your body paragraphs should provide evidence but then also elaborate on the evidence provided and how it relates to your thesis.</p>

<p>Your conclusion seems short, but I understand that if you are short on time that it is the least important part on the essay. Regardless, your conclusion is phrased awkwardly and, in my opinion, the worst part of your essay. “Thus we see that,” NO NO NO!!! At all costs you want to avoid the word “we.” It just sounds bad, unprofessional, and immature in writing style. More importantly, however, is the way that you open your conclusion. Don’t open up with how the evidence stated above proves your thesis since that should be shown in your body paragraphs!!! Instead, you want to tie EVERYTHING in your essay back to together. Have the first sentence relate it back to your thesis (not word for word) but this time with the knowledge that the reader has read your evidence. The final sentence is pretty good, but I’d phrase it as, “All it takes is a proactive step to change one’s life for the better.” or something along those lines (consider changing “for the better” into something else).</p>

<p>Hopefully this helps. If you have any questions just let me know.</p>

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<p>Thanks a lot for the feedback Clay…! It really helps…!</p>

<p>I didn’t quite get your grammar note on the introduction. As you can see, I had written, ‘with instances of prominent figures, who when confronted with impossibly daunting circumstances, have chosen to take take the bull by the horn, and overcome the circumstances through their sheer will.’ How is that different from the version you posted?</p>

<p>As for the body, I will get working on my stock transitions. I was thinking of following the guidelines in this source: <a href=“SAT Essay Prep, Part 7: Three Tips for Transitions”>http://blog.writeathome.com/index.php/2011/10/sat-essay-prep-part-7-three-tips-for-transitions/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>You reckon they are good?</p>

<p>I will also try to eliminate all the redundant/superfluous info and replace it with sentences relating back to the thesis.I guess one reason the redundant info are creeping in is because I am consciously trying to work in varied/sat vocabulary.</p>

<p>What do you reckon would have been good sentences which could have connected back to the thesis?
Would, " Thus, Douglas was able to make choices that would uplift his own life as well the lives of his fellow African Americans, proving that a person’s life is, indeed, determined by the choice he or she makes." do for the first example?</p>

<p>And would, '“Thus,it can be surmised from the life of Oprah and her sisters, that the choices one makes is more important in determining the direction one’s life take than natural ability or 'luck.” do for the second.</p>

<p>Regarding a third body paragraph/example, is it really that important to have that to get a good score? As it is the essays I am barely able to fit my essays within the space and time limit.</p>

<p>And the conclusion, is it okay to write similar sentences without using ‘we’ . Like ‘Thus, it can be said that…’, ‘In a Nutshell, It can be seen that…’ , ‘In conclusion, …’ etc. ?</p>

<p>Also if possible ( and if it is not too much trouble) , please take a look at another essay I had posted earlier in another thread and give a score/feedback. Though, I suppose it is also plagued with pretty much the same issues you have mentioned in this thread. </p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1684126-grade-my-essay-out-6-please.html?new=1”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1684126-grade-my-essay-out-6-please.html?new=1&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I’m not an expert, but I’d agree on a 4 myself too. The examples are good. Your logic is good. But there are a few grammatical issues. Beware of the run on sentence in the first paragraph, as mentioned by the previous commenter. You would rather use short, crisp sentences to get your idea across. </p>

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<p>@jonsnow316‌ I’ll respond back tonight since I’ll be flying for the majority of the day. But to quickly respond on your first point you need to read the sentence as if the middle section (between the commas) could be deleted and the sentence would still flow. </p>

<p>While “History is replete with instances of prominent figures, who when confronted with impossibly daunting circumstances, have chosen to take take the bull by the horn, and overcome the circumstances through their sheer will.” may seem grammatically correct, read it as:</p>

<p>History is replete with instances of prominent figures [deleted] have chosen to take take the bull by the horn, and overcome the circumstances through their sheer will.</p>

<p>Then you’ll realize the grammar is poor. I’ll respond to the rest when I get back home.</p>

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<p>Thank you both for the replies. The mistake was rather subtle and difficult to identify when scrolling up and down between your version and mine. Now I get it though :slight_smile: . </p>

<p>@ccvb1013‌ I will try to use more short sentences but, I really find it difficult to make them short, especially with the time limit. I usually come up with the facts/ideas while am writing(as opposed to thinking/planning it out a bit) ,so often have to improvise and connect them in a single sentence.</p>

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<p>I got a perfect on the SAT essay. My advice is to include fancy SAT vocabulary (sounds shallow, but literally, the readers spend only a few minutes on each essay, so these types of superficial things matter) and try to include a few sentences that counter the claim you’re trying to make. Ultimately, it makes for a better argument. </p>

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<p>Hey, can you guys grade these two essays of mine:</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.For a variety of reasons, people often make choices that have negative results. Later, they regret these choices, finding out too late that bad choices can be costly. On the other hand, decisions that seem completely reasonable when they are made may also be the cause of later disappointment and suffering. What looks like a wonderful idea at one time can later seem like the worst decision that could have been made. Good choices, too, can be costly.</p>

<p>Assignment:
Are bad choices and good choices equally likely to have negative consequences? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>As much as people like to categorize them as good or bad, choices, I believe, are never ‘good’ or ‘bad’ on their own; It is the consequence of a choice, and people’s ability to face them that colors a choice as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Thus, the consequence of any choice may be colored ‘good’ or ‘bad’ depending on the person’s fortitude in facing them. </p>

<p>A choice or a decision, when made is always done so with the best of intentions, and with a reasoning based on all the information availible to the person at that time. Take for instance, the decisions by the allied forces in the aftermath of world war I. They had defeated Germany, but had suffered massive losses in the process. Most of their citizens were indignant over what they percieved as ‘unjust’ belligerence from Germany that had plunged the world into a war. Wanting to placate their people, recover their losses and debilitate Germany so that it is not a threat in the future, the allied countries impose the treaty of Versailes on Germany. Under the treaty Germany was to take the blame for all the losses caused during World War I and pay for their compensation.Further, they had to completely demilitarize. Such harsh terms, resulted in severe economic problems for post war Germany, causing discontentment and disillusionment among its people. The situation was ripe for a demagouge to take advantage of, and Hitler would do just that, and rise to power in Germany. He would go on to plunge the world into another, more devastating war, and people would then come to ‘color’ the treaty of Versailes as a bad choice, since the consequences proved to be negative and destructive. </p>

<p>Another such instance was when in final year of high school my friend Rita and me decided to increase our focus on extra curriculars to better our chances for college. It seriously increased our workload. I was prepared for a more busy schedule and was prepared to sacrifice my recreational time; Rita however found it difficult to cope with the increase stress, and thus both her grades and extras suffered. Thus the same choice had the opposite consequence for both of us because of our difference in the ability to face the consequence. While I think that is the best decision I’ve ever made, Rita still rues it. </p>

<p>The bottom line is, as the popular phrase goes, ‘Hindsight is twenty twenty’. Consequency of a choice is likely to be anything. It is our ability to face up to it that will make it negative or positive</p>

<hr>

<p>Prompt: Is it better to aim for small accomplishments instead of great achievements?</p>

<p>In life, it is always better to set yourself a goal, and then work tirelessly and assidously to achieve that goal. Aiming for smaller accomplishments, instead of an
ultimate goal can get you side tracked and complacent, as you might allow yourself to get distracted by less important and frivilous aspects of life.</p>

<p>Perhaps, no one epitomizes this school of thought better than Steve Jobs, the idiosyncratic innovator and entreprenur. Steve Job’s ultimate vision was not only to
develop useful and productive technology , bu also to make the said technology a pleasure to use by making its design perfect and aesthetically appealing. His vision can be seen right from his initial works of Mac I and II . He perfected the already existing GUI technology by paying meticullous attention to the visual style and design of the UI. As a result they were a huge success. Other entreprenurs like the owner of dell often criticized Jobs’ finicky obssession with aesthetic vision;
however Jobs wouldn’t let such criticism side track him from his ultimate vision and would continue pursuing his vision,and would eventually surpass Dell by doing so. Had not had such a single minded goal, he could have easily been side racked in favor of short term profits like other companies; however he wouldn’t have been able to make as big an impact as he has now.</p>

<p>Similar single mindedness and tenacity served me quite well while pursuing a rather lofty goal in the final year of my high school. There was a college level software project competition . which I wanted to win. The previous year too I had took part, but I never had any long term plan regarding the project that I submitted and hence failed. (I had set small goals to be completed in spare time). In my final year however, I developed a concrete vision and schedule for my project,(a mobile application). As a result of developing a schedule , I was able to strictly follow it without giving into the temptation of wasting time. When the time came to present my project, the project was universally lauded by all the judges. Still when the time came for the announcement of winners, I was pleasantly surprised to hear my project had recieved 1st place. I realized then how meticulous planning toward a goal pays off.</p>

<p>In a nutshell, aiming for a lofty goal, helps one get the focus and discipline to acheive. .</p>

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<p>bump.</p>

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<p>You need a thesis! Other than that, it’s not so bad. I’d say a 4</p>

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<p>Can you please grade my sat essay? You provide great feedback for other people and I think you will benifit me a lot!! :slight_smile: Ive only made 3 posts and they are all the same so you can find my essay very easily thank you!!!</p>

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<p>@kittycatyeah‌ Thanks…! Is an Intro that doesn’t directly answer the assignment that bad…? Does it always have to be an yes or no…? Cant I take a nuanced stance like choices and consequences are good or bad based on how we face them?</p>

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<p>You can take a nuanced stance but it’s definitely harder. You would have to provide evidence for both. It’s easier to just say yes or no. Then it’s just your stand, evidence, counterargument refutation, and conclusion. And also make sure your conclusion isn’t repetitive!</p>

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<p>I second what kittycatyeah said. You need to consider the other side before arguing which side is more persuasive. </p>