Please grade my essay... ugh

<p>This prompt is by Rocket Review practice SAT. It could be just me but I found this prompt to be slightly different than CB one ---- just harder to think of good examples. Anyway, here it is:</p>

<p>Directions: Consider carefully the following statement and the assignment below it. Then plan and write an essay that explains your ideas as persuasively as possible. Keep in mind that the support you provide ----- both reasons and examples ----- will help make your view convincing to the reader.</p>

<p>The harder the conflict, the more glorious triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.</p>

<p>-Thomas Paine-</p>

<h2>Assignment: Do people tend to value most what they work hardest to obtain? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</h2>

<p>People often remark that hard work produces good results. These people, along with Thomas Paine, fail to acknowledge the possible negative outcomes. That is, they only focus on "hard work" that they do not realize the potential possibility of negative outcomes. I believe that people do not always value most on things from hard work since the outcomes can be negative.</p>

<p>In a classic novel Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, the character Heathcliff symbolized this example. Torn apart by his young lover, Heathcliff changed into a cold and surly man who revenged to almost everyone around him. He came back to haunt his lover Catharine Linton's peaceful marriage with Edgar, and eventually led her to death by brain fever. Also, he hurt Edgar by seuding Edgar's sister Isabella and marrying her. His cruelty doesn't stop at people in his generation. He forcefully made Catharine Linton's daughter Cathy to marry his feeble and quarrelous son, and led Cathy to deep despair. At the end, Heathcliff realized that his revenge was in vain since he was still alone in this world without his dear Catharine. He understood that his zealous attempts to ruin everyone's lives didn't bring satisfaction to him, and in fact, obliterated his own life as well. If what Thomas Paine said were true, Heathcliff should've been in utopia from his "hard" work.</p>

<p>Another example came from a popular TV program called Prison Break by Fox Channel. In this series show, two brothers escape from the prison because older brother had been falsely accused of murdering the president's brother. The show is not over yet but already, Thomas Paine's words failed in this case. Two brothers' actions of escaping the prison and fighting the injustice led to many people's death. Even if they cleared the name, their actions had brought too many innocent people's death.</p>

<p>Undoubtedly, "hard" work do not bring "good" results everytime. As a result, it's not correct to say that people value the things from hard work most.</p>

<p>get rid of I believe in your introduction.
introduce your examples in your introduction.
Do not use TV shows (pop-culture) unless you are certain everyone knows about it.
Have a stronger "argument" instead of providing examples. ASSERT something instead of listing general examples.
Weak conclusion.</p>

<p>5/12</p>

<p>Too short. 6/12</p>

<ul>
<li>work on grammar <- this can be hard under the time constraints</li>
<li>need to write more!</li>
<li>connect back to your thesis with more assertiveness.</li>
<li>don't use "I believe" if you don't plan on using it for the rest of your essay</li>
</ul>

<p>6-7/12</p>

<p>Thanks for the feedback guys. Yeah this essay WAS horrible. I can't seem to do well on essays with two examples (three examples may be are better since I have to write more? haha I don't know).</p>

<p>I guess I mistaked by putting "I believe" because I've been doing that in English class lately (part of a rule I think for our paper..) so yeah..</p>

<p>"I believe" is already implied. At least that's what I learned in Stanford camp...</p>