Please Grade My Essay :)

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A colleague of the great scientist James Watson remarked that Watson was always "lounging around, arguing about problems instead of doing experiments." He concluded that "There is more than one way of doing good science." It was Watson's from of idleness, the scientist went on to say, that allowed him to solve "the greatest of all biological problems: the discovery of the structure of DNA." It is a point worthy remembering in a society overly concerned with efficiency.
Adapted from John C. Polanyi, "Understanding Discovery"

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<p>Assignment: Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support our position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

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<p>People accomplish much more when they are allowed to do things in their own way. This is demonstrated in The Hobbit, Rosa Parks, and the Civil War.</p>

<p>In The Hobbit, by Tolkien, the main character is a small creature, a hobbit, named Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo goes with a pack of dwarves to find treasure. On the journey, Bilbo encounters many obstacles, and it is due to Bilbo's ability to accomplish things his own way that Bilbo saved his group. For example, when Bilbo encounters a weird creature in a filthy cave who wants to eat him, Bilbo tries to talk with the slimy creature. Anyone else would have fled, but Bilbo kept his ground and eventually escaped the horrible creature, earning himself an invisibility ring in the process. Another example is the way Bilbo used his invisibility ring to defeat the dragon guarding his treasure. Instead of sneaking the treasure out of the dragon's lair while wearing his invisibility ring, Bilbo instead negotiates with the dragon while staying invisible. In the end, Bilbo was able to enrage the dragon enough to leave his lair, allowing Bilbo to successfully take the treasure.</p>

<p>Much like Bilbo Baggins, Rosa Parks also accomplished a lot by doing things in her own way. Instead of avoiding the white people who seemed so superior to her, Rosa Parks took action. Many blacks of her time would never do what Rosa Parks did, preferring to let the white people have their way and to let racism continue. Rosa Parks ignored her friends and boldly defied the orders of a white man on the bus; she refused to give up her bus seat simply because she was black and he was white. This led to her arrest, but emotions were so stirred up that people soon followed Rosa Park's footsteps, boycotting the bus, and eventually ending the ability of white people to take black people's seats on buses. </p>

<p>Another example of how people were able to accomplish more by doing things their own way was when General Grant of the North defeated the South. Instead of following the traditional way of war, Grant waged "total war" on the South, a tactic that allowed officers to oppose anyone who could possibly help the South. This tactic eventually won Grant the war.</p>

<p>As shown by Bilbo Baggins, Rosa Parks, and General Grant, people, indeed, accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way. Imagine the world today if our past leaders hadn't done things in their own way.</p>

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<p>Thank you!</p>

<p>Hi SilverAurora,</p>

<p>haha. first of all, i would like to say i wrote my last practice essay on the exact topic, but i took on a completely different view (the opposite):
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1199145-grade-my-essay-i-can-grade-yours.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1199145-grade-my-essay-i-can-grade-yours.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I would give your essay a 9.</p>

<p>This is actually a good essay. Your essay is clear and pretty much to the point. The 3 expample you’ve given are diverse in the area of interest as the first one is from a movie, the second one is from recent history, and the thrid one is from past history.</p>

<p>Your introduction is lacking. Way too short. Give a short introduction to the meaning or include some rather short common-knowledge examples of someone working differently.</p>

<p>Your first supporting paragraph was well written. You gave a clear description of the main character. You didn’t leave the reader hanging by just saying “there were other ways he could have done it,” you actually gave the reader the “other ways.” This is one of things SAT grader like to read - you make it simple for them to understand but leaving out the unnecessary information. Another thing that makes the first supporting par. great is that you actually had 2 points to make. It mean you chose a pretty good source for your examples.</p>

<p>Your second supporting paragraph is excellent. Rosa Parks is one of those characters in history that everyone should know (and most people do, except some people who just came to this country). She made one of the defining moments during the racial war. She clearly did have a unique way of doing things. Nothing more to say, it’s a great example.</p>

<p>When i read the third supporting paragraph, i realized that you definitely ran out of time, so you shortened it by a lot. But now that you have shortened it, it doesn’t really work anymore. You are lacking some important background information for General Grant. This supporting info is crucial because as a reader, i was barely able to understand who General Grant was and what did “Total War” mean. My advice would be to omit this paragraph altogether. There are many 4 paragraph essays. If you want other people’s references, you can search for 4 paragraph essays VS 5 paragraph essays here on CC. Many people have had discussions on this very topic (you can also start your own). If you have taken the last paragraph out and worked a tiny bit more on the introduction, your score would have been a solid 10 or higher.</p>

<p>Your conclusion is also a bit short. The last sentence also leaves the reader hanging - “imagine the world today if our past leaders hadn’t done things in their own way.” You do not want the reader to wonder anything. State anything you want to say shortly in the conclusion if it is not a summary of the essay. If it’s something long you want to say, incorporate it into the essay itself.</p>

<p>Overall, your essay was well organized. One problem, it’s actually pretty major, is that you failed to adequately incorporate proper and sufficient amounts of SAT words into your essay. The essay judges will take this into major account.</p>

<p>I hope i helped you prepare for the upcoming SAT! Good luck to you :]</p>

<p>Can you also help me prepare by grading this essay?
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1202536-help-me-out-me-essay-please.html#post13140746[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1202536-help-me-out-me-essay-please.html#post13140746&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;