Please grade my essay

<p>Prompt:
The old saying, "be careful what you wish for," may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one's perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life's difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once "success" is achieved that they were before.</p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT: Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>Essay:
Success is often disastrous because it has unintended and unforeseen consequences, it poisons the person, and it leaves the successful person feeling empty. This is demonstrated by the historical example of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand by Gavrilo Princip and also through the literary examples of “Ethan Brand” and “Rappaccini's Daughter”, both by Nathaniel Hawthorne.</p>

<p>The success of Gavrilo Princip’s assassination of the Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand in June 1914. He was part of the Serbian Black Hand, a group that wanted to free Serbia from Austro-hungarian rule. It wasn’t his direct act that set up the war conditions. Rather, the countries had experienced nationalism and managed to involve themselves in a tangled web of alliances that caused war on a massive scale to break out. However, it was Princip’s success which had the unintended consequence of World War 1. This was certainly disastrous.</p>

<p>In addition, in “Rappaccini's Daughter”, the protagonist is a young scientist who moves to Malta to pursue his studies with a family friend, Professor Baglioni. The man moves in next to a young woman named Beatrice who is the daughter of a tall, sallow man. She never can leave the house and is thus trapped by her father. The young man falls in love with Beatrice and visits her in the garden. The main plant Beatrice tends to is a poisonous plant who seems as if it is her sister. Eventually, the young man becomes poisoned by extended contact with the poisonous plants in Beatrice’s garden and by Beatrice herself. By succeeding in contacting and loving Beatrice, he contracts a life threatening disease. Furthermore, when he goes to Baglioni for a cure, Baglioni uses the opportunity to kill Beatrice in order to get back at her father, his professorial rival. Thus, the young man’s success further poisons him because at the zenith of his achievement in the story he is poisoned and betrayed. </p>

<p>In Hawthorne’s “Ethan Brand”, the main character is a normal man who become obsessed with achieving the next best thing. He travels the world and sees everything there is to know but ends up in the valley where he grew up. Through his struggle for success, he committed the greatest sin, pride, and he was forever doomed to never achieve anything besides what he had spent his life on. This all consuming search for more knowledge and experience and skill left him an empty man and doomed him to loneliness. In essence, he had no relationships, and nothing besides his cold knowledge. This unforeseen outcome illustrates the isolating effects of success and underline the likely disastrous nature of success.</p>

<p>As we can see from the literary and historical example above, success is often disastrous because it has unknown deleterious consequences, it poisons the successful person, and it empties the person of opportunities for a full life.</p>

<p>Second body paragraph tons better than first.</p>

<p>First one has too much plot summary.</p>

<p>If the first were as strong as the second, we’d be getting closer to a 6.</p>

<p>Your conclusion is still too similar to your intro (which is too long by at least 15 words)</p>

<p>Take cues from the prompt.</p>

<p>When you say “Take cues from the prompt” does that mean I should specifically reference something in this text?:</p>

<p>The old saying, “be careful what you wish for,” may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one’s perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life’s difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once “success” is achieved that they were before.</p>

<p>Wouldn’t that seem too close to repeating the prompt?</p>

<p>What are the most important five or ten words in the prompt?</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I suppose the most important sentence is this:
Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once “success” is achieved that they were before.</p>

<p>Because it is then up to me to provide examples. Am I wrong?</p>

<p>I want a list of five to ten words.</p>

<p>…from the entire range of the prompt</p>

<p>Yes, the intro you’ve given is too close to repeating the prompt. It’s also too long.</p>

<p>The old saying, “be careful what you wish for,” may be an appropriate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one’s perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life’s difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes have unexpected consequences. Those who propel themselves toward the achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once “success” is achieved that they were before.</p>

<p>“Narrow ones perspective”
“success in one endeavor”
“will solve all of life’s difficulties”
“unexpected consequences”
“their lives are worse once success is achieved”</p>

<p>I thought you’d left me! Now I myself need to tend to the family for about 30 min.</p>

<p>Meantime…</p>

<p>You’re getting there. You listed phrases but I need individual words.</p>

<p>perspective
consequences
endeavor
solve
unexpected
achievement
goal</p>