Please grade my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, this is my first time posting in the forum. I know my first post is a request for help, which is not so good, but I am preparing for SAT in an incredible short time without any prior knowledge of the examinations so I only have time stalk on threads in the forum for tips and all. </p>

<p>I'm having my test on November 2nd and I must say my most feared part is the essay. I still have a lot of troubles with coming up with examples. This is the first complete essay I have actually written in allotted time and I really need some feed-backs from you. The prompt is </p>

<p>"Is the way something seems to be not always the same as it actually is?" </p>

<p>and here is my essay.</p>

<p>Everyone grows up in different environments which differ their perspectives. As a result, the public's view is not always the absolute answer - sometimes the truth can be the opposite of what people always expect. Many movies and novels have depicted this paradox of life, two of which are the movie The Shawshank Redemption and the novel Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.</p>

<p>In The Shawshank Redemption, the protagonist is a "hotshot banker" named Andy Dufresne, who is charged of murder. He was believed to have killed his wife and her lover intentionally for revenge. However, along the years of Andy's imprisonment, it was revealed that the real butcher was another unruly man, who would kill just anyone that "do **** to him". Andy found out the truth when he was in his twentieth year of his life sentence. </p>

<p>We can't really blame the judge or the lawyer because the truth is all the proofs did go against him. They had his fingerprints everywhere, on the broken wine bottle, on the gun and his footprints were found on the muddy road. Even his neighbors testified that he cursed his wife to hell. Anyone with a rational mind would not hesitate to accuse him of murder. However, he was not one. Sometimes, things are not the same as they look like.</p>

<p>This notion is not new. In fact, it went back to 18th century when a young woman named Jane Austen devoted a whole novel to write about the prejudiced human beings. Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice initially came of as an arrogant and self-centered man. He seemed to despise everything he deemed not worthy of his rank: Lizzy was not "handsome enough" to dance with him and her family was just a bunch of snobs who just had their eyes on possession. While he in fact did make these remarks, they did not reflect his true personality. He was, actually, a kind brother, a dear friend and a passionate man. There is a saying that says if you want to know a man, see how he treats his inferiors. The servant who took Lizzy and Mr and Mrs Gardiner on a tour around Pemberley complimented Mr Darcy with sincere. Those are probably the first favored descriptions of this man, who seemed like the worst human being in the world, but they are the truest nonetheless.</p>

<p>Facts are facts but facts might not be the true. It's always hard to make a judgement, especially regarding people. Human beings are complicated and the cover usually does not reveal it all.</p>

2

<p>You really ought to be answering <em>why</em> appearances are misleading. </p>

<p>You have more plot summary of Shawshank than is necessary but if you were able to get this done in 25 minutes, thats ok. In the 3rd paragraph you are able to supply a reason why people were mislead- its an irrational world so things wont always line up. </p>

<p>The P&P example just looks like a plot summary. You never give reasons. You should have made the point that people often dont communicate their true feelings, and therefor other people’s behavior is often a guarded reaction to the false impression they’d been given. </p>

<p>The conclusion is limp. The conclusion should always reference your examples in stating you have proven your thesis. For instance:
"Facts are facts, but ‘Facts’ might not be True. It was totally implausible that anyone other than Dufresne could have bee the killer, but in an irrational world the implausible can happen more easily than we like to admit. To close our judgements at surface impressions leaves us open to grave errors. "</p>

<p>I like your essay pretty well for a first attempt- I’d say you are at a 4 right now. </p>

<p>To generate examples, start by thinking about the prompt. How could it be true or false?</p>

<p>For this prompt here is a quick brainstorm.
First impressions might be wrong because:

  • there are variations in the way we perceive reality biologically
  • it can be to a persons advantage to give a false impression
  • it can be to other people’s advantage to give you a false impression of a third person
  • We perceive things through past experience
  • other people are evolving all the time. Even if first impression was correct, they could be have had a change of heart next time we see them
    -impressions are often a result of societal context. Things that seemed fine in the past we now view with revulsion</p>

<p>You dont have to write them down, just think them up. Once you see the reasons that could support your thesis examples will occur to you based on things you already knew. For instance, biological differences might bring to mind color blindness or maybe physical disabilities that make people view the world in a different way. Maybe the last example brings to mind a wealthy plantation owner in the West Indies who was respected by everyone in society but we now view his banana plantation as a slave camp.</p>

3

<p>Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I have never thought that I need to explain the reason when I define the prompt as true or wrong. I have been too caught up in coming up with examples.</p>

<p>Your suggestion is definitely a great way to help me solve my problem. Again, thank you so much!</p>

4

<p>I agree that Argy’s advice is excellent and it covers the most important issues. You could also benefit from being more exactly on topic. The question change your intro to: </p>

<p>Sometimes the truth can be the opposite of what people expect. In fact, things that seem to be true are often false.</p>

5

<p>

</p>

<p>I (most respectfully) disagree. I don’t see much plot in that paragraph.</p>

<p>The Shawshank stuff is a different matter.</p>

6

<p>Thank you all for your feed-backs! They are helping me a lot!</p>

<p>Here is another essay. I don’t want to spam the forum so I am going to post it here. Hope to hear some pointers from you guys!</p>

<p>Prompt: Is reality entertainment beneficial or detrimental to society?</p>

<p>Reality entertainment forms are usually just distorted versions of the truth. For the sake of ratings, producers often audicously edit, cut and re-arrange their shows to create non-exist conflicts among participants. So, it’s no doubt that reality entertainment brings little benefit to the society. In other words, it can cause serious harm to not only invidiuals who are directly involved but also to the television lovers by fabricating reality. The evidence supporting this fact through various shows on television is very pervasive.</p>

<p>The first case where reality turns out not to be so real is in the very popular show by the supermodel plus television host Tyra Bank, American’s Next Top Model. In its seventh season, the show’s makers hightlighted the animosity between two contestants, Melrose and Alexandra. They were often found bickering over who left the unwashed dishes all over the shared house or bad-mouthed each other in the individual interview. After the show ended, Melrose disclosed in her blog that actually she and Alexandra were quite close. But the producers decided that it would be boring if for two stand-outs in a highly competitive race to the “top of America” to act friendly so all of their comments would be cut out of context and rearranged to appear like they were complained about each other.</p>

<p>Another occurrence where reality television poses direct damage to the competitors’ psychology is in American Idol. This show is renowned for its motto “makes your dream come true”. It promises a bright future to anyone who loves singing and thinks he or she can make it big. One of the hightlight of this show is the judge plus producer, Simon Cowell, who is famous for his harsh critiques. He would not hesitate to tell at people’s faces that their singing voices are exactly like the sound of cow or even outright criticise their costumes which do not do anything with music. It appears this man penchant for humiliating people brings in good money and ambitious contestants who want to impress Simon Cowell. Let’s try to imagine that we are bring a guitar full of stardom dream and belief in our voices to Simon and see him purse his lips and dismiss us for screeching like a dying cat without even sparing a glance at us. I fancy it is quite a traumatizing experience. </p>

<p>After a cafureful analysis of the two widely prevelent shows American’s Next Top Model and American Idol, one can see that reality entertainment is, indeed, very damaging to the society. It not only puts false ideas in people’s heads but also outright humiliates a person publicly. There are many benificial alternatives to explore the real world without giving in to the the self-called ‘reality’ entertainment.</p>

7

<p>Is this a real prompt? Its seems odd that CB would be so genre specific. “Is German Literature too morose to be widely popular? Discuss” </p>

<p>OK, you thesis: "In other words, it can cause serious harm to not only invidiuals who are directly involved but also to the television lovers by fabricating reality. ". Thats fine. I am going to expect that your examples show me:

  1. serious harm to contestants
  2. harm to the television lovers</p>

<p>Further, your conclusion should be arguing that this will be generally true of most reality tv. </p>

<p>Example one, is mostly details about the show and the producers actions. The women involved dont even seem that concerned and you say nothing about harm to the viewer. </p>

<p>Example two you spend all your time telling us about Cowell’s behavior. In support of your thesis you only offer “I fancy it is quite a traumatizing experience”. Your supposition isnt that convincing. And nothing about the audience. </p>

<p>Conclusion would be ok if there was any basis for it in the examples: “false ideas in people’s heads”. Maybe had you done something with William Hung. </p>

<p>Your examples must not be “here are discussion of two or three things vaguely on the prompt topic”. The examples only exist to provide specific support to your reasoning.</p>

8

<p>

</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>These aren’t your own words. How can you write an original essay if you don’t use your own words?</p>

<p>Aside from this (along with some other issues brought up by argbarg and CHD), your biggest problem relates to grammar. I’m not referring to usage—there aren’t many blatant errors in mechanics or usage. Rather, I’m talking about word economy.</p>

9

<p>@argbargy: Yes, this is a real prompt. It’s in March 2011 or something, I don’t remember the exact time.</p>

<p>So to improve this essay, I need to write less about the producer’s doing and more about the negative effects on the viewers (They receive wrong ideas about the contestants and pass ill-informed judgements? Oh, the more I think about it, the more this example sounds about the women, not the viewers. I think I need to find another one.) </p>

<p>So my problem is I am telling too much instead of making points to support my thesis?</p>

<p>@jkjeremy: I try to use some tips in this forum but it didn’t turn out good.</p>

<p>I am aware of my wordiness and am working on it, but it’s hard because I’m not native and in my country, it’s better to lengthen the sentences. Urg, habit dies hard! But I guess practice makes perfect.</p>

<p>Thank you both for your replies!</p>

10

<p>The examples only exist to provide specific support to your reasoning. </p>

<p>Cross out every sentence in your example paragraphs that is just a summary of the shows or the people. Now read over whats left of your essay- does it strongly support your thesis?</p>

11

<p>@argbargy:
I’ve just inserted a supporting statement in the first example paragraph and twitched some parts. Does this sound better and is it more straight to the point?</p>

<p>The first case where reality turns out not to be so real is in the very popular show by the supermodel plus television host Tyra Bank, American’s Next Top Model. In its seventh season, the show’s makers re-arranged unrelated comments to hightlight the animosity between two contestants, Melrose and Alexandra. Fans of the show thought they were ultimate enemy when truth is, the girls were close friends. One can imagine how atonished Melrose was when she checked her Facebook, saw link to an interview with fans’ comments “She is shameless. Such a horrible hyprocite person!” and found out it was only an interview that said her friend complimented her. By making up compelling reality ‘plot’, this show, instead of emphasizing healthy rivaly among competitors, fueled a false public belief in a fabled enmity.</p>

12

<p>Its better because now you are at least trying to make the case. I still dont buy that this is “serious harm”. And how is the public harmed?</p>

13

<p>I decided to just practice writing example paragraph. This is two example paragraphs for the prompt “Is it necessary to forget mistake?”</p>

<p>Please let me know what you guys think?</p>

<p>The Paris Peace Conference, the meeting of Allied victors that precipitated World War II, is one of the best examples of how revenge can cause catastrophic consequence. In 1919, the aftermath of the Great War left Europe so devastated that it demanded someone to pay for collapsed grand venues and twenty millions of men loss. Consequently, the Treaty of Versailles in 1919 forced Germany to disarm, make substantial territorial concessions and pay an astronomical amount of reparations. Germany was never able to make the payments which only weakened her poor economy. Later, Hitler used the Treaty as the cause for all problems faced by Germany and convinced the people that he could restore national pride by declaring war with Europe, thus leading to World War II. By forcing Germany take all the blame for the Great War, the Treaty, instead of settling peace as the name of the conference indicated, fueled the deadliest global war in human history.</p>

<p>As in history, terrible consequences stemmed from attempt to revenge. Take the case of Kane and Abel in the same title novel by Jeffrey Archer, acting out of revenge had left deep regret. One of the protagonists, Abel, had a friend who committed suicide after his business went bankrupt because the Kane & Cabot bank refused to support him. Abel thus planned for revenge and considered Kane, the director of the bank, his arch rival. Later, he managed to out Kane from power but ironically, he also found out the very same Kane was the anonymous backer who funded his hotel chain before. In addition, his beloved daughter fell in love in Kane’s son and decided to marry him despite her father’s objection. Soon after, Abel died with a heart filled with remorse.</p>

14

<p>The prompt does not mention revenge. In fact you can remember mistakes without seeking revenge. I don’t see how your essay addresses the prompt. </p>

<p>I suggest that you try to really simplify things. Currently, you are trying to show your knowledge and vocabulary instead of showing your reasoning skills. All the knowledge and vocabulary is useless if its not addressing the question.</p>

15

<p>This is another essay from me. Please grade them for me. Thank you so much.
The prompt is “Can success be disastrous?”</p>

<p>Achievement is often said to bring the good. While success can undeniably benefit the achiever, bringing him fame, credibility and wealth, it sometimes is the cause of moral destruction and family sabotage. The movie The Devil Wears Prada poses an angle on the life of a successful woman but fail to keep a happy family and my uncle’s sad story tells how he goes from a director of a company to a prisoner. </p>

<p>When weighing career achievement and personal happiness, while many manage to maintain a balance, others fail to mingle two at times conflicting values. Miranda Priestly, the chief editor of a famous fashion magazine in The Devil Wears Prada, is admired and respected by thousands of young girls, those who don’t know about her private life. She tours all over the world and goes to the most prestigious and luxurious fashion show whilst finalizing the divorce procedures with her second husband. She can demand the unreleased latest Harry Potter book for her daughters but fails to attend their show choir performance at school. In the end, all she has left when faced with betrayal from her colleagues is the spacious lonesome hotel room. Talent brings Miranda success which leads her to the throne in the fashion realm and earns her respect from thousands of people but it also kills the chance for her to heave a normal and happy family, which is the ideal any woman yearns for.</p>

<p>When success costs Miranda domestic happiness, it costs my uncle ten years of freedom. He established a shoe company from bare hands and made great profit from the very early stage. But the richer he got, the less any amount of huge money seemed to him, and he wanted to expand the company by all means, legal or not. He began to cheat and avoid tax, eventually was busted by the government. If he had not been so blinded by the chase of money, he still could be a free man and get to see his son graduate from university. </p>

<p>Success brings fame, respect, power and wealth to people yet also couples with it the danger of losing oneself to the spiral of money or forgetting family in favor of work. Disastrous is not success itself but the after glow it shades on the over-ambitious achievers.</p>