<p>i did this essay on a practice collegeboard, and the automated service gave me a 10, which is what it has given me on every other essay it has automatically scored. can someone please read it to see if the automated thing is just giving me a number or if that's what my essay is. Thanks!</p>
<p>Are people's lives the result of the choices they make?</p>
<pre><code> What goes around comes around. This adage may seem cliche, but it provides insight into a philosophy of life. People's lives are a result of the choices they make, and this is portrayed in Shakespeare's "Macbeth," the Watergate Scandal, and Milton's "Paradise Lost."
In Shakespeare's "Macbeth," Macbeth and Lady Macbeth choose to murder in order to become royalty. Although they chose a life of royalty, they inadverdedly selected a doomed fate because they broke the natural law. Because of the multiple murders committed at their hands, both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth are punished as a result of their choices. Macbeth is ultimately killed and Lady Macbeth becomes insane. This justifies the claim that people's lives are a result of thier choices because both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth chose to kill, and as a result, they suffered at the end.
Another example is seen in the Watergate Scandal. Although he denied any personal involvement, Richard Nixon and his supporters chose to "bug" the Democrat Headquarters. By indirectly being associated with these people, which Nixon chose to do, he was impeached. This justifies the claim that people's lives are a result of their actions because Nixon chose to be with unsavory characters and participate in their scandal. As a result, he was impeached from his office as President because of the choices he made.
A third example is seen in Milton's "Paradise Lost." In this epic poem, Satan chooses to rebel against God. As a consequence, Satan and his demons, including Beezlebub, Mammon, Belial, and Moloch, are damned to suffer in hell, not only physically, but also emotionally. Because Satan actually chose to fight God, he was forced to suffer the consequences. This justifies the claim that people's lives are a result of the choices they make because Satan's decision, made of his free will, led him to suffer the punishment of his actions. Milton's epic serves as an example to mankind about resisting evil in the world because the consequences are horrendus.
In conclusion, people make decisions and either reap its benefits or suffer its consequences. As seen in Shakespeare, Watergate, and Milton, people's lives are a result of their choices. As it has been proven, what goes around will always come around.
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<p>can someone please read this?! my sat is on march 10 and i just want to be sure. i promise that this will be the only one! can someone please help me out?</p>
<p>There's so much repetition in it; same words, same phrases. The good news is that the grammar is correct throughout.
Can you choose some more lively words every now and then? Also it would help to add some more details in each example.
Um..don't use Nixon in your writing. You have many inaccuracies in that retelling. Choose something else.
For example, Nixon didn't do the bugging himself--the burglars did. His problem was that he then lied, covered up and blocked the government's investigation of the robbery. He kept digging a deeper hole, and when given a chance to come clean, he didn't. He erased sections on the tapes. The cover-up was worse than the crime itself! His interference with the justice system was what ALMOST got him impeached. He was never impeached...he resigned so that wouldn't happen. (Clinton was impeached for the Monica thing. Impeached means brought before the Congress to investiage a crime. Clinton was impeached, but not convicted...which is why we saw him on TV with the senators arguing and voting over whether or not to convict. Nixon scooted out of office berfore any of that happened, which is why you see him waving goodbye from the helicopter with that dumb "V" for victory. He resigned his job and went home to California. I'm just typing here to teach the facts; obviously that's not what you'd write on an essay, way too much detail.
Anyway, really know your facts and vocab (resign, not impeach, for Nixon..) if you want to use a history example. Otherwise, stick to literature or personal instances. While this isn't a history test, you can choose ANY example, so pick one you understand through-and-through.<br>
It would have been a better essay if you'd stuck to the two literary examples, (you don't need 3 examples, just 2), which you presented well. That way, youj might have some remaining time to go back and jazz up some of your phrases, vary the words a bit. For example, you say "choices" so many times; perhaps there's another word? Try "decisions" or "paths". Use your time to go back, cross out some repetitious phrases and add some interesting words--just be sure you really know what they mean!!
Conclusion should restate the thesis but USiNG NEW WORDS, so your repetition of "goes around comes around" does not suffice. Please think of a new way to say it.
You could try something like, "As shown by (example) and (example), people experience logical consequences for their poor decisions." or "we reap what we sow" or "the chicken comes home to roost" or "bad guys finish last."</p>
<p>That's why just use 2 examples. Then you might gain a minute or two at the very end to "punch up" or brighten the text you have while there's still 25 minutes running. </p>
<p>I'd give it a 4 out of 6.</p>
<p>So, since there are 2 scorers, each having the choice of 1-6, if you put mine together with Paulfoerster;s "4-5" then you'd get an 8 or 9 total</p>
<p>okay well the essay is not a huge part of your score for one. I got either an 8 or a 10 on it and still got a 750 on writing cause my MC was perfect. But if you want get a 10-12, there are basically templates via testmasters and such that will almost guarantee that score. I really don't like the essay or the way they grade them, because I'm a really good writer and get 8-9's on AP timed writings, including on the actual AP's last May, yet my friend who is in no AP and just top half of our class scored higher on writing than i did because she took testmasters. But really, i wouldn't stress about it unless you're going for a 2400.</p>
<p>CC may be tough on grades but I do not think that CB is leninent either. I don't know maybe they will be on my March SAT but at least for January SAT, I'm pretty sure that the graders were quite harsh and vitriolic because I only got 9 (and the scores on the CB site couple MONTHS ago used to give me 5/6). Anyway, that is just how it appeared to me.</p>
<p>For your essay:</p>
<p>This is 3/6. My reasoning is quite similar to paying's. For one thing, you ended each of your example with "This justifies.." You should use alternate ways to end paragraphs because I'm reading your essay and thinking, "Okay... This is sort of boring... No offense."</p>
<p>Examples were decent and although graders won't check for details, history should be generally veracious. Your mistake on Richard Nixon is pretty apparent on SAT graders because they probably know about it by living through the period or at least learning them in high school/college. So avoid inaccuracy on facts that are WIDELY known.</p>
<p>Vocabulary was very weak. I did not recognize any word that I remembered from Sparknotes's list or even Princeton's Hit Parade. Since SAT is coming up, I say that instead of memorizing vocabulary and trying to put them in essays, just keep what you're doing but use more persuasive language to compensate for your vocabulary.</p>
<p>But still learn vocabulary though; it'll be useful for CR.</p>
<p>I'd give it a 3 out of 6. reasons are:
1. not enough variety of language - "this justifies" is repeated too many times, and vocabulary is not very varied.
2. transition needs work - "A third example is..." sounds very elementary
3. boring intro - rather than giving a flat-out yes/no answer to the prompt straight away, try "leading into" ur main point.
4. somewhat too short in length - the length CAN matter. I'm not sure how much writing ur essay is on the lined paper in the answer sheet, but it definitely feels shorter than most other essays I've read.</p>
<p>A lot of room for improvement, but u r on the right track. Good luck.</p>
<p>The essay question is a broad and open-ended quesiton, whereas the response (the essay) a relatively narrow and focused. </p>
<p>I think a more effective response, and I'm sensitive to the pressure that you are under on these tests, is to respond to BOTH sides of the question in your response - e.g. "generally speaking, yes, the decisions people make wieghts heaviely on their lives.....although in many cases people seem to remain beyond accountability for their action - perhaps by luck, perhaps by cleverness..." THis shows an ability to think, quickly, on both sides of a very general question. Resist the temptation to rush to a point of view, but rather deftly argue both sides. (In this case, everyone knows somebody who seems to skate through life despite a rash of poor judgment.) </p>
<p>In other words, they've asked you to comment on a very open-ended question. Don;t rush to show that that you (a) know Shakespeare, (b) know about Watergate history, etc....(BTW, Nixon is often viewed as one of our greatest foreign policy presidents. It would be interesting in the essay to juxtapose his Watergate issues with his brilliant "opening up" of CHina, priving the point that this flawed individual was capable of both brilliance and duplicity, and his legacy speaks to both. ) </p>
<p>ANother point that I had to lecture my son about in his practice essays (he got 740 on his SAT essay) was to avoid writing like one might speak. IMO starting the essay with a badly overused common phrase is an error. Strive to NOT use written language that sounds like spoken language. Also, by starting your essay with it, there is no suspense as to the rest of your argument. You are clealry going to rush off in a certain direction.</p>
<p>I'm not saying one should never write an essay that probides the viewpoints of both sides, but on an essay one has to write in 25 minutes, it is easiest to just take a side.</p>
<p>"Fence-sitting" can be much more difficult to write a concise and lucid essay on. Generally, when fence-sitting one uses many modifiers in sentences, such as I am doing right now, which can, in some cases, confuse the reader, as he or she has only 2-3 minutes (I believe) to grade the essay. Also, perfect grammar is more difficult to achieve with more convoluted sentences. Lastly, when fence-sitting, it's posssible that one could end up having proved nothing, particularly with only 25 minutes for writing.</p>
<p>In regards to using spoken language, I'd say one should write as though talking to a very important/distinguished person (I wouldn't talk any different, but you understand...). Use formal language, but still write as though you are having a face-to-face conversation with the reader.</p>
<p>I don't know if these tips will help you specifically, but they definitely helped me when I heard them.</p>