Please grade my essay!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>
[quote]
Quote: Traditionally the term "heroism" has been applied to those who have braved physical danger to defend a cause or to protect others. But one of the most feared dangers people face is that of dissapproval by their family, peers or community. Someitmes acting courageously requires someone to speak out at the risk of such rejection. We should consider those who do so true heroes.</p>

<p>Assignment: Should heroes be defined as people who say what we they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences or observations.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>True heroism lies in acting in defense of a cause on its own justification regardless of self-interest. It is risking condemnation by your family and community in defense of a just cause. Above all, I value people whom have had the courage to question their assumptions engrained by society and family and fight for a change. Throughout modern history there are countless examples of such heroes, and many more people whom have had the courage to challenge their assumptions.</p>

<p>Although I would not go so far to label myself a "hero" or "courageous", I have myself faced the conflict of challenging my assumptions in order to find truth. Through my father I inherit my Jewish identity. I am a staunch Zionist willing to protect the right of Israel's existence. Though this past year I have experienced an epihpany, a realization that there is such a thing as the dignity of the "other". I have begun to realize that Palestinian Arabs too have a right to nationhood and freedom from persecution. Despite my identity as an Israel, I recognize the humanity of the so-called enemy. This is only my personal example of a change in opinion, however the true heroes are the ones whom have acted on this transformation.</p>

<p>In the post World War Era there are two examples of people, willing to challenge their born identity and fight for what they believe is true. </p>

<p>The first example is the priminent French intellectuals during the Algerian resistence movement. Men such as Jean-Paul Sartre, a former French resistance fighter against German occupation in WW2, was able to nmuster the confidence to defend Algerians and use his influence to defend their independance movement. Despite his French nationality, he wrote articles in major newspapers calling for Algerian independance and an end to French torture tactics, which eventually succeeded. </p>

<p>Across the Atlantic, just a decade later, millions of Americans soon joined the protest against the War in Vietnam. Many championed communism and sought to end American atrocities in these wars. Many protests ensued, resulting in one of the greatest anti-Government movements in the 20th century. </p>

<p>These two examples illustrate true courage and heroism: the ability to challenge your community and fight for what you believe is true and just.</p>

<p>Please grade this on a 0-6 scale if you can, I am using the blue book scale on practice test #8</p>

2

<p>Your intro is fine.</p>

<p>Body Paragraph 1 is confusing, because if you do defend a cause regardless of self-interest and risk condemnation, wouldn't you be labeled a hero? So when you say that you wouldn't label yourself a hero, aren't you contradicting what you said in your introduction?</p>

<p>Body 2: This doesn't need to be in its own paragraph.</p>

<p>Body 3: Okay, but how is Sartre a hero? You don't make much of an argument here. You say that Sartre did this, Sartre did that, but you don't answer the prompt. You missed the most critical part: Should heroes be defined as people who say what we think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?</p>

<p>Body 4: Same thing.</p>

<p>You gave examples of what you believe to be heroic people. This is good, but you didn't really answer a realy important question:</p>

<p>Why should heroes be defined as people who say what we they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it? </p>

<p>That's missing in your essay, and you just can't get a high score if you don't answer that question.</p>

<p>3-4.</p>

3

<p>(Taken from an earlier post)</p>

<p>You've probably figured out that people on CC generally do not like to read and grade essays! The essay posts always attract few people. </p>

<p>Try getting the rubric that the SAT readers use to grade essays. It's probably available on the CollegeBoard website.</p>

<p>The most helpful piece of advice is to try to impress the readers by how much good stuff you've written in 25 minutes. That means having a catchy introduction, a clear thesis, clear topic sentences, good and relevant examples, commentary that relates the examples to the topic sentence and the thesis, logical and good transitions, and a conclusion that not only restates the major points but also lingers at the end. And throughout your essay, make sure you show your own thinking. That means not so much elaboration on your examples as clearly revealing the depth of your critical thinking about the topic.</p>

4

<p>thanks dchow... ah, a little disappointing. That is a lot to do in 25 minutes, but I guess it just takes practice. </p>

<p>On a good note, you say they are good examples, I just haven't developed them fully enough. Right? :)</p>

<p>Another note, I kind of thought that as defining heroes as those who question and challenge their community by saying "Despite his French nationality" kind of related. And the difference between my personal example and the two others is that I am not a hero because I didn't "act" on my epiphany, while Sarte, by writing articles, and the Vietnam protesters, by rallying, actually did something. </p>

<p>Thank you again!</p>

5

<p>Well, you had good examples of heroes, but I think that when the readers are asking that prompt, they want you to explain why you think heroes should be defined.</p>

<p>Basically, here's what you did.</p>

<p>You said that heroes should be defined as people who risk condemnation to stand up for a cause that they believe in.</p>

<p>Then you give examples.</p>

<p>But if you asked me if heroes should be defined as whatever they're defined as, and I say yes, you'd probably want me to explain my reasoning. Why did I say yes? You see what I mean? Instead, you gave examples of heroes, but you never explained why you supported the above statement.</p>