Please grade my practice essay

<p>I'd really, really appreciate it if you graded practice essay and it might help others look for what to and what not to do.</p>

<p>I'm kind of worried since I didn't do all that well on a state writing test (GHSGT). They mostly counted off on my grammar.</p>

<p>It took almost the full time writing it, about 23 minutes, and it took the whole two pages.</p>

<p>It's also not really my opinion, I just made it up.</p>

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<p>Here is my topic:</p>

<p>Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

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<p>Here is my essay:</p>

<p>Privacy is at an all time low in our society, and this is causing problems in many aspects of it. The recent 2008 presidential election and the internet phenomenon "Twitter" are prefect examples of why as a society we need to share only what others need to know and avoid expecting otherwise of anyone else.</p>

<p>There are many things to be noted about the 2008 presidential election, but especially prominent was the lack of privacy afforded candidates and there own lack of discretion in sharing . Major issues were made of candidates' family issues, college friends, and personal faith. At the same time, the candidates themselves offered up far more information than they should have on these topics, largely in attempts to impress voters. The fundamental problem with all of this is that voters have no business knowing these things, and including them as political issues cheapens meaningful debate over real issues. The political process itself loses value through the rejection of privacy.</p>

<p>The lack of privacy does not only cause problems with national figures, and the website Twitter shows how bad things can get with average individuals. Twitter is a utility intended for people to provide constant, real-time updates on what they are thinking or doing. Predictably, this quickly devolves into what may be described as a communicate void, with huge amounts of information and almost none of it valuable or useful to anyone. Because Twitter encourages people to share information without thinking about its real value to others, very littel effective communication takes place despite large amounts of work writing and reading the many messages. In this way, Twitter's failure underlines the need for a sense of privacy on the part of everyone. </p>

<p>When we communicate effectively we share information and improve our knowledge. However, when we communicate without a sense of privacy, we waste each others' time and diminish the value of communication. We should all work to restore privacy to our society both by improving our sharing and our expectations of others.</p>

<p>“Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.”</p>

<p>It’s fairly well written, but you didn’t provide any support for your opinion. You won’t get a very high score without any literary or historic examples.</p>

<p>Thanks a lot for looking at it.</p>

<p>Does the election not count as a historic example, and twitter as observation or experience? Or am I not doing enough with them?</p>

<p>I can see I don’t have any literature. Is that necessary, or strongly desirable?</p>

<p>(also, the spelling errors are not in the one I wrote, just my typing)</p>

<p>It’s hilarious how PhotoOp didn’t treat the 08 election as history when the first black president was elected, but anyways no you don’t need literature to get a 12. It’s only there to satisfy the myth that you have to use “scholarly examples.” Many people have used “colloquial” examples or personal experiences only and gotten 12s. You can easily use personal experiences although history/literature guarentees a stable base in terms of how you can use it as a support.</p>