Please Grade my SAT Essay. Thanks!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Please grade my SAT essay.</p>

<p>I realize that my essay has an unconventional structure and argument. Any help or feedback at all, would be very much appreciated. :)</p>

<p>Assignment: Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?</p>

<p>In order to understand ourselves, we must first understand our identity. We learn about ourselves through the myriad of daily interactions that occur between us and other people. These interactions form the very essence of our identity, as we define ourselves in terms of our relationship with others. Our identity is inexorably shaped by who we belong with, and who we belong to. For example, I am someone’s daughter, someone’s friend, and so-and-so’s student. Each of these roles comprises a part of my identity as a person. Therefore, I believe that we do indeed need other people to understand ourselves, because social interaction plays such as vital part in helping us to understand our identity.</p>

<p>Throughout our entire life, we continually rely on others in order to understand ourselves. From the moment we are born, we rely on our parents for assurance, encouragement and guidance. At first, this is the only way by which we can define who we are and where we belong. However, as we become older and reach adolescence, we transition from looking towards our parents, to looking towards our peers to define ourselves. Whether we call ourselves gamers or goths, geeks or skaters, or even nothing at all, we group and categorize ourselves based on our relationship with other people, in order to achieve a sense of belonging and ultimately understand our identity. Without this interaction, we would not be able to develop a well-rounded understanding of ourselves.</p>

<p>A person who isolated himself from all human interaction would develop a somewhat distorted sense of identity. He could be delusional – thinking himself the wealthiest man in the world, when in reality all he owns are the clothes on his back – and never realize the truth. A person who lived a hermitic existence would not be able to develop a truthful or balanced understanding of self, for social interaction is as vital to self-understanding, as water is to life.</p>

<p>Therefore, I believe that we do indeed need other people to understand ourselves. Our sense of identity is deeply rooted in our interactions with others. Without these interactions, we would be able to develop neither a truthful nor a well-rounded understanding of ourselves, because in order to understand ourselves, we must first understand our identity.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading! :)</p>

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<p>Excellent writing. You clearly have the potential to get a 12. Why no examples outside of your own experience though?</p>

3

<p>Its okay. I’d give it an 8, maybe a 9.</p>

<p>You don’t use any concrete examples to prove your point. Your writing is good, but with no true examples, you will not score high. You say your reasons (your parents help you become who you are; with no other people, you will not develop well) but you give no evidence, which will kill your score (trust me, I got a 12). </p>

<p>If you were to only give a real life example for each of your points, you would be much more successful.</p>

<p>Other things to think about:
-your introduction is too long. It could be much more succint, but still say exactly what you mean.
-if you really want a high score, you probably want 3 examples
-the conclusion is confusing and too long. Just 2 or 3 sentences is enough. You also introduce your point about having to find your “identity” first before you understand yourself, but you don’t really touch much on that during the actual essay, which is not very good.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the feedback CHD and satman! :)</p>

<p>I will explain my unconventional approach of not using any concrete examples in this essay. I did write several practice essays with conventional examples, and using the formula of intro - example 1 - example 2 - (maybe example 3) - conclusion, but I felt that it wasn’t working for me. After about 6 essays, I realized that my essays weren’t improving, and that I was just saying the same things over and over again. So I decided to try a more abstract discussion, rather than using concrete examples, especially since I couldn’t think of any examples for this particular question anyway.</p>

<p>I realize now from your comments, that this approach is probably too risky. Any advice? What should I do when I can’t think of any examples, and what can I do to avoid this? I’m annoyed about how the SAT essay is so restrictive, but obviously I just have to accept that. :(</p>

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<p>Check out the thread I posted a while back. I can’t give you the link since I’m on my phone but its on my profile. It’s called “defeating the SAT essay in two days”. It should help you.</p>

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<p>Thank you satman! :slight_smile: I read your thread and it has some very helpful advice, especially for the situation in which I can’t think of any examples.</p>

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<p>Does anyone else have any thoughts on my essay? Any help or feedback at all will be very much appreciated. :)</p>

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</p>

<p>Yes, I do have thoughts on this essay.</p>

<p>—It’s by far the most engaging essay you’ve posted here (at least among the ones I’ve seen).</p>

<p>—It’s less generic and obvious than your others.</p>

<p>—It shows more insight than about 90% of all essays I see here.</p>

<p>Here is some feedback:</p>

<p>—Insight is never “risky.” You ARE allowed to write an essay without including three word blocks (note that I didn’t call them paragraphs) that amount to little more than biographies.</p>

<p>—You’ll score at least ten no matter what approach you follow.</p>

<p>—Contrary to what you might read here, this essay DOES have examples. They just aren’t as superficial, boring, and obvious as the ones I see here (and on real SAT essays).</p>

<p>My criticisms (which won’t take long to read):</p>

<p>—Your name will appear on the test. When expressing your views, don’t write in first-person (“I believe…”). We know you believe it because you’re the one writing it. When writing about your OWN life, it’s obviously OK to use first-person pronouns.</p>

<p>—There is a wide gulf between contrived, pretentious vocabulary (which, thankfully, you don’t use) and straight-up slang. In other words, don’t use expressions like “so-and-so.”</p>

<p>—I see a handful of insignificant errors in grammar (ie, the comma after “belong with” in the first paragraph). </p>

<p>—Your introduction might be a bit too long—some of this stuff might fit better in a body paragraph—but since little or none of it is fluffy nonsense, this too is a minor quibble.</p>

<p>—There are at least two cliches in this paper: “clothes on his back” and “deeply rooted.” There may be more; I can’t spend all night on this one.</p>

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<p>It’s hardly “restrictive” unless you consider a rubric based on the fundamentals of English expression to be “restrictive.”</p>

<p>There is no one way to earn an upper-half score (or even a perfect score) on the SAT essay.</p>

<p>Don’t believe all the mythology.</p>

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<p>My opinion lies somewhere between that of satman1111 and jkjeremy. Frankly, what I’ve picked up on is that I think they are both extreme in that satman1111 only wants to see the “traditional” format of 1 long and clear example per body paragraph and jkjeremy wants to see anything but that.</p>

<p>I liked the 2nd body paragraph – the paragraph before the conclusion. I thought that was very insightful. I liked how you discussed a hypothetical man who was living as a recluse or whatnot. I would have just opened that up more and said some more only because it would have made that stand out more and be clearer. Do you need to pick a recluse from a book, movie, etc? No, though I don’t see why not. But no it is not necessary. But yes, I would like you to open that up a tad more only so it is crystal clear and you’ve said everything you’d like about that point. I am doubtful that you did.</p>

<p>I think your first body paragraph similarly could have been broken into 2, and each part opened up a bit more. I would have made one about when we are younger and opened that up more. Then the second about when we are older and opened that up more.</p>

<p>I agree with jkjeremy that the intro was unnecessarily long and detailed. I did like that sentence in which you said how you are simultaneously a daughter, a student in someone’s class, etc … Those are very powerful because they are both insightful and clear. I think that would have been perfect for the body paragraphs, and building off of that.</p>

<p>I don’t think jkjeremy speaks on behalf of all possible graders when he makes large declarations like “contrary to what you might read here.” He is not the only essay grader, so you should note all of these different ways people approach the essay. In the end, it is difficult to get a 12 because people do approach it differently. </p>

<p>Overall, I think it was a great essay. It is clear that you are an excellent writer. I did not find myself completely immersed in the essay for the reasons raised above and in satman1111’s comments. I also share some of the stylistic criticisms of jkjeremy–that aspect of his or her feedback is spot on.</p>

<p>I would say it is a 9/12, in part because I cannot decide between a 4 and 5 and in part because you see such mixed feedback here.</p>

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<p>I think that you should use atleast one conventional example. With your writing skills, if you do so, you can easily get a 12.</p>

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<p>Thank you so much for your feedback, jkjeremy! :slight_smile: I really appreciate it, and I’m also glad that you like this essay.</p>

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<p>Thank you satteacher! :)</p>

<p>So basically, what I could do to improve this essay is to use examples to elaborate on and illustrate the more abstract concepts that I’ve discussed?</p>

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<p>Your essay already does have examples!</p>

<p>What other examples would you propose to add?</p>

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<p>I don’t know. Maybe I don’t need other examples. I’m just trying to see how I can improve my essay.</p>

<p>But I’m actually a little confused by all this contrasting feedback.</p>

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<p>Personal examples are alright but try to use one historic or literary example.</p>

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<p>It’s really not necessary to use a historic or literary example. I used only “personal experience” examples, using the basic intro-example 1-example 2-example 3-conclusion formula, and got a 10/12, which is plenty good enough for an 800 on Writing if you did well on the multiple choice. On the other hand, the second time I took the test I took the advice of using literary examples (using the same formula) and got an 8/12. Anecdotal, but just sayin’. </p>

<p>What’s far more important is that your examples are germane to the main argument you’re making. I think your examples were fine here. I would give your essay a 10/12.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the advice cloudeleven. :)</p>

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<p>I would say that the contrasting pieces of advice are due to people’s differing biases (Traditional method vs. Alternative method). In my opinion, this essay is much more different than most that I have read, and written myself (I use the traditional 3 example/3 body paragraph method). But, it seems very quirky and interesting. However, I think that if you used your obvious skill in writing and molded it to the traditional model, you could pull off a 12 easily, as your usage of words sounds very nice.
Then again, I am just another student, not a professional, but those are my two cents!</p>

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<p>A strong writer who writes something worth reading can and probably will earn a 10-12 using almost any “format.” </p>

<p>A weak writer cannot earn a 10-12 no matter what format he uses.</p>