Please grade my SAT essay! :)

Test Preparation
1

<p>For those of you who are going to grade me down for neglecting historical / literary examples, relax. It was a calculated effort. I've researched high-scoring essays and found that consistently, the top scorers went into depth on only example. Whether I succeeded in this is for you to determine. Thanks!</p>

<p>PROMPT: </p>

<p>To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within.
(Adapted from Ward Sybouts, Planning in School Administration: A Handbook)</p>

<p>What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>RESPONSE:</p>

<p>To err is human. To change? That takes something more. It is fortunate that when we slip up (and indeed, we inevitably do), we can salvage ourselves through reform. The impetus for behavioral change can come initially from external sources, but can only be enacted through intrinsic motivation.</p>

<p>The necessity of intrinsic drive in reforming behavior was a truth I learned well in a recent episode with my closest friends. As a light-hearted, "anything-goes" type of person always looking for a good laugh, I've never been hesitant to tease. It's a harmless pastime, I reasoned, that usually inspires laughs and good humor in our social atmosphere. Lately, however, I had been receiving negative feedback from the objects of my mirth- namely, my friends. They told me that those comments on their overly fluffy jackets, video game failures, and propensity for too much pizza actually hurt their feelings. I characteristically laughed them off. My friends were being too sensitive- it was their fault for taking offense to such innocuous, silly jokes. And as much as they hinted at me to change, I refused to alter my behavior. I was confident in the morality of the status quo. Indeed, all the extrinsic motivation in the world couldn't have prompted me to reform my behavior because I didn't feel the need to act differently.</p>

<p>Things changed (and so did I) one day when I was walking to class with a friend. Another friend (a close pal of mine, but a casual acquaintence of my walking partner) waved in our direction. We both waved back, and I immediately jumped on my walking partner for his action. "She was waving at me- not you!" I teased, giving him a playful shove. Immediately, I comprehended the effect of my words. Though said in jest, such teasing was hurtful. I could tell this even without seeing the shocked, pained look on my walking partner's face. Finally, I myself had come to terms with my need to change. Armed finally with intrinsic motivation, I set into motion a plan to reform my behavior. I carefully watched my words, and tried to empathize with the recipients of my teasing. My friends tell me I've improved drastically. Turns out change isn't such a superhuman feat after all.</p>

2

<p>Okay, I’ll give you a 4/6. Here’s why:</p>

<p>You obviously know your vocabulary, however, you use complicated vocabulary so much that your essay becomes stilted and overly formal. You can display a great vocabulary without sounding like so pompous. One particularly jarring example of your vocabulary misuse is ‘negative feedback from the objects of my mirth’. You have great potential, however, I think you need to learn where to draw the line.</p>

<p>I really enjoyed your example, I thought it was a good example and really well described. However, you should link it your thesis and make more of a big deal of how it illustrates your thesis. By the way, your thesis sounds far too complicated than it really is and is slightly confusing: just say that intrinsic motivation is the only way for change. It’s much clearer and more precise.</p>

<p>Have a conclusion just to wrap everything up and work on your introduction. The first quote really has no bearing on the rest of the essay. Make your intro longer too, work toward your thesis.</p>

<p>And your grammar is generally great, just watch the sentence fragments such as ‘To change?’ and ‘Turns out that change isn’t such a superhuman feat after all’.</p>

3

<p>4/6. I would have liked to see another example and a conclusion. I liked your introduction a lot though and you used good vocabulary.</p>

4

<p>i’d probably give you a 9/12 to be generous:</p>

<p>“The impetus for behavioral change can come initially from external sources, but can only be enacted through intrinsic motivation.”
it simply sounds as though you’re using words just for the sake of trying to show off and sound smart. </p>

<p>“Turns out change isn’t such a superhuman feat after all.”
um…that’s sentimental BS that you just wanted to throw in there. never get lost in telling your story to the point that you don’t remember what the original prompt was; you would have been better off pointing out that intrinsic motivation causes people to change. </p>

<p>You’re correct in saying that you don’t need historical or literary examples to score high, but that doesn’t mean that you can just use anything and score high. you have to be able to prove your point, and not with a single “well, let me tell you this story about my possibly-fictional experience” example. </p>

<p>therefore, in this certain instance, the time you used in your ‘calculated effort’ would have been better spent learning some psychology terms and ideas. for example, you could talk about push and pulls, incentives, drive-reduction, evolutionary psychology (survival of the fittest). </p>

<p>you have the words and you have the structure, just don’t try to play the devil’s advocate; stick with the proven method that works. if you do all of this, then you should be able to score 10-11 and possibly the very elusive 12.</p>

5

<p>Thanks so much for the feedback, guys. I noticed that too, my language gets really pompous and technical when I’m stressed for time. Any suggestions on how to maintain clarity in a high-pressure situation?</p>

<p>If you don’t mind looking over one more, I wrote another practice essay today.</p>

<p>PROMPT: </p>

<p>“Technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.”
-Adapted from Karen Finucan, “Life in the Fast Lane”</p>

<p>Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>RESPONSE:</p>

<p>Throughout the course of human history, change has been equated with progress. As things adapt, they get better, we reason, pointing to the luxuries and increased standard of living that accompanies the flow of time. And on a grand scale, this is true. Our evolution from language-lacking cave dwellers into reading, writing citizens is certainly a positive change. Yet if we peer more deeply into the ebbs of human history, blemishes emerge. The dark ages, the Industrial Revolution, and the current technological age all reveal the limitations of change in promoting real progress.</p>

<p>The downfall of the Roman empire in the 4th century A.D. signalled a profound change in western society. No longer was Europe governed by republicanism and artistic thought, but instead by the depressed intellectual and political processes of the Barbarians. The continent entered a millenium-long era in which little artistic, technological, or philosophical progress was made. Civilization was dominated by the confining influences of religion and feudalism. The handover of power from the Romans to the barbarians may have been easier, in that less intellectual energy was expended, but it also stagnated the development of civilization.</p>

<p>The rise of industrialism and urbanization in the nineteenth century was another change that had adverse effects on human lifestyle. While advances in technology such as the cotton gin and the steam engine improved agricultural production and transportation, they did not benefit everyday life. Certainly more food was available, but at what expense? The lives of thousands of works who suffered through dangerous jobs in factories and on trains. This change from an agricultural to an industrial world made lives easier, but not necessarily better.</p>

<p>The changes accompanying our modern-day computerized world are equally dual in nature. While communication and information-sharing can occur at unprecedented rates, we experience a loss of interpersonal connectedness. Linked only by iPhones and webcams, we can keep in touch more easily than in the past, but our standard of connectedness is diminished.</p>

<p>Ultimately, the flow of human history demonstrates the dark side of change. Evolution that seemingly produces an easier lifestyle is often tailed by adversarial side effects that diminish the quality of that lifestyle. It is clear that change and progress are not equivalent.</p>

6

<p>bumpity bump! :)</p>

7

<p>8/12. I think you should have just focused on two examples, probably eliminating one of the last two since they were rather short. I think you did do much better than in the previous essay in reducing the use of unnecessary vocabulary words.</p>

<p>As a historical aside (I really can’t help myself), the idea of the “dark ages” really isn’t that accurate, and its somewhat eurocentric. While the western Roman empire did collapse, it had been in decline for centuries, and the Byzantine empire remained relatively strong for another millennium. The foundations for many later prominent European nation-states such as Britain, France, and Spain were formed during this period. And of course, this period only seems unchanging culturally and technologically if one completely ignores the Islamic Golden Age.</p>

8

<p>Wow! Huge improvement. Firstly, you cut out the inflated vocabulary. Your vocabulary was really, really good in this essay. It sounded sophisticated and you displayed a great choice of diction. If you continue writing like this, then you should have no problem with the vocabulary.</p>

<p>I would definitely do the history and literary examples. I think your problem in the first essay is that when we think of experiences in everyday life, you (like everyone) associate them with basic words that we would use around our friends. To compensate for that, you started word vomiting and plugging in words when they didn’t make sense. When you have history and literary examples, you use words that you see in textbooks and your vocabulary is much better. So use history and literary examples.</p>

<p>You have two problems in this essay and they’re, very, very easily fixed. Firstly, cut out one example so you have more time to develop the first two. They need more development and links with the thesis. Secondly, link it back to the thesis better. Explicitly say that Industrial Revolution proves that technological changes that make our lives easier are not necessarily better and make a big deal out of it.</p>

<p>I would give you a 9/12 as well, your essay is somewhere between a 4 and a 5 and the raise in score doesnt’ reflect your improvement. Keep in mind that your problems are very easily fixed and with more development and one less paragraph, you could potentially get a 6.</p>

<p>Well done!</p>