Please grade this essay

<h2>Topic: Should modern society be criticized for being materialistic</h2>

<p>Materialism is never healthy and has never been a good thing. It fosters desperation and manipulation, as the materialistic individual tends to do anything possible to get that which he/she is so desirous of. Hence, it should be celensured anytime, anyday. A few examples help substanstiate why materialism has ill effects on mordern society.</p>

<p>In the weekly journal, 'The Lagos Digest,' a true life story was written about a woman named Catherine. Catherine was one of those individuals, who one could place in the 'socialite' sphere. Catherine loved money and fame so much; she did not last in a marriage that couldn't provide her with what she desired. She divorced her first husband, Mike, because his company went bankrupt. She later married Duke. However, her marriage to Duke lasted for only three months; she divorced Duke as well. Reason, based on what the magazine wrote, being that he was supposedly selfish. In the course of all the drama of jumping from one marriage to the next, Catherine had kids. Nonetheless, she never cared about the effects of her decisions on her kids. The aftermath of it all was that social services claimed responsibility, and sent her kids to foster homes. A mother's recklessness and materialism had robbed innocent kids of growing up with their biological parents.</p>

<p>'The Guadian Nigeria,' another popular periodical journal, published the effects of materialism on Nigerian kids. Apparently, Nigerian childeren are no longer paying attentio to their studies. A case study was carried out in the CMS grammar school; the first secondary school to be established in Lagos. It was discovered that between the years 1999 and 2010, kids from the school had consistently had bad grades in their terminal classes. These dismal grades were attributed to the proliferation of computer games and fashion. You find that most students do not complete their homework assignments because they were playing games. This doesn't include the numerous parties and underage drinking that ravages the teenagers. Materialism drives these kids to go as far as stealing money from their parents to buy the latest clothes and games. Needless to say, the students lose complete interest in their academics when they acquire such ostentatious items.</p>

<p>Materialism does more harm than good. It perpetuates lust for things which ordinarily shouldn't be one's priority. To this effect, it should be strongly criticized and disallowed from festering in out ever-changing world.</p>

<p>Isyemky,</p>

<ol>
<li>Your vocabulary is perfect and so are your examples. However, in your second body paragraph you need to tie computer games and fashion to materialism and its negativity sooner; there wasn’t enough support to your thesis there. Other than that, I have nothing to say because the essay is outstanding. Just don’t lose focus on your thesis, you absolutely, always MUST MUST MUST MUST tie your example DIRECTLY back to the thesis. If left weak/ambiguous the grader will penalize you instantly. Your first body paragraph was also amazing; just add one more sentence before your final sentence in your first body paragraph about materialism to really solidify the idea. I keep saying 11-12 because I don’t want to incorrectly give you a 12 unless its absolutely perfect.
Phenomenal essay my friend; you’re almost there!</li>
</ol>

<p>~Aceventura74</p>

<p>That paragraph gave me issues. I really didnt know what to write about there. I tried to pad lol. Nyways, 11 is kind of generous for this essay. But i guess the first paragraph is very well developed</p>