<p>Hi everyone,
I just took a "practice essay" from "The Official SAT Study Guide: For the New SAT" and I was wondering if I could receive some feedback from you guys. The time limit was 25 minutes and please grade from a scale of 0 to 12 or 0-6: whatever. Here it is!</p>
<p>Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>
<pre><code> My mother is a nurse, a fantastic maid, and a wonderful teacher. People look at her credentials and examine her work ethic and remark how genteel she is; they truly believe that my mother is doing all these arduous tasks out of the kindness of her heart. Oh, if they only knew how cnical and narrow-minded my mother really is. I have known her for 16 years and whenever I ask her "Mom, do you really do these things because you really have a good conscience?" she would reply "No, I do all this for the money and the fame!" Clearly, conscience wasn't in her mind.
My mother decided to get a BS in Nursing because she knew that this would lead her to big opportunities. All my mom had in mind was the amount of cash she will be holding in her hands after graduate school. So, she sacrificed her time healing the disgusting, sick, and rude patients and bossy doctors. To a shallow outshadow, this appears to be an act of kindness, her way of giving back to the community. Yet, all my mother wanted was money or in other words, the check. That was her motivation.
Also, imagine raising three kids who all participate in clubs and AP/gifted courses. My mother would always do her best to make herself available and assist us with inquiries and puzzling math problems. That's difficult for someone who forgot all that jargon about DNA and what have you. But was she doing this out of generousity? No. She understands the principle that what you do now will help you out in the long run - what she saw or how she comprehends the situation is that if she helps us now, we can succeed and receive phenominal grades. That leads to promising occupations and because she was so kind to lend a helping hand during our school years, she believes that we will literally pay her back with our own money and shower her with gifts. So as one can see, money is what keeps my mom so obsessed with our grades; not the ideal belief that a parent should be worried about his or her children succeding.
So when people tell me that my mother has a conscience of gold, I sit back and scoff at the idea. They fail to see that my mother is just chasing those materialistic goals: money, fame, and more importantly, power.
</code></pre>
<p>Just a hunch, but I think it might be wise to treat your SAT essays the way you would a college application essay. These are being read by human beings, and all the training in the world will not take away subjective factors. </p>
<p>I would think using literary references instead of your mother might be wise.</p>
<p>I'll give it a 6/12 as well... The essay basically lacks content. You really need more specific examples. Some parts seemed really forced like when you said, "'Mom, do you really do these things because you really have a good conscience?" she would reply "No, I do all this for the money and the fame!'" Hah... Also, try to find some other ways to word money, fame, power, and try to refrain from using colloquialisms like cash.</p>
<p>That last comment had just a bit of arrogance...</p>
<p>I would agree with the 6/12s though. You need to focus on the (evil, evil, evil) five paragraph essay:
1) Introduction, with a clearly stated thesis
2) Three body paragraphs and discuss your points from your thesis (remember to tie back your information to the question though)
3) Conclusion that neatly puts everything together, but doesn't restate the thesis word for word.</p>
<p>this seems more like a analysis of your mother's motivations in life instead of an essay about the conflict between morality and ambition. it's generally not suggested that you write about a personal experience anyway, unless it's extremely moving, like the passing away of a parent, a battle with cancer, etc, etc. also, the people grading your essay may be taken aback by you calling your mother "cynical and narrowminded." as true as that may seem to you, i'm guessing that's not exactly what the teachers grading the essays want to hear. </p>
<p>also, you never actually take a side in your essay. never mind what your mother thinks, what do think? Support that opinion with examples from history/current events/great literature like your book should suggest. For example if you think money is the ultimate motivation, think of corruption from history, like Boss Tweed or Richard Nixon to shown manifestations of it. use the structure that cannednish suggested.</p>
<p>i agree that it's about a six right now, but i'm sure you'll improve if you look at some sample essays and follow their example.</p>
<p>Not to pick on you bio_freak, but just some advice to anyone writing an essay. Always consider your audience. In this case, assume it will be an educated, professional woman reading your essay. Referring to your mother as a "fantastic maid" just boggles my mind. Right off the bat, you've used language in a way which quite possibly will alienate the reader, not a wise move. I have no idea how they will assign points, but I'd work darn hard to write something which doesn't make the reader have a negative vibe about you and your family. People are human, and after slogging through a few hundred essays, I could imagine a reader getting to this one and reacting quite negatively, based on nothing more than not liking the attitude you describe your mother as having. I'm not suggesting being a pollyanna, just be careful about tone and how you are coming across.</p>
<p>5 outa 12. VERY REPETITIVE. no base, or foundation. you have to separate ur ideas in parts and finally conclude in another part. first u say a topic then u give examples that repeat and using strong words in wrong parts. just practice like this. its ok it u do bad. u got lots o time.</p>
<p>I don't know what you're all talking about. I wrote a very similar essay for the SAT II and got an 11. My essay didn't have any of the things you guys suggested. I guess the readers liked me for no reason.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your advice, but I feel that all of you have suggested ways in how to make a pretentious paper; I don't know what kind pompous people are you, but may I remind you that this is simply an essay for the new SAT I that I had to write in 25 minutes! I would understand your harsh criticisms if I was writing to a panel of Admissions, but I'm not, so give me a break!</p>
<p>bio_freak, everybody knows you are writing for the SAT. The reason you are getting 5's and 6's is because they are trying to grade like the SAT graders will. They will spend one minute reading your essay and will only skim it. When they see that it is short, no structure, and you simply ask your mom if she did her for conscience and then she replies about money and power, that shows them that you are at an average score and do not deserve more points than warranted.</p>
<p>rshankar225
dude u can only get 600 and high 500s. this kid has a nice style which he uses vocab in the rite spots. i think the usage of vocab is not bad. atleast, this kid souds he gets like 700s. hes trying and practicing.</p>
<p>rshankar225, gigante:
he is trying to persuade the SAT eassay graders. he mite not mean that his mom is like that. i think this is a good technique. he might b makin this up, but the SAT ppl dont care. they just care how u write ur essay.</p>
<p>nitinrao, how is it a good techinique, exactly, to talk about your mother and the ill in a derisive manner that is bound to offend the grader? Vocab is fine, but if it isn't used in a structured, developed essay, which is what the SAT wants, regardless of your opinion of how pretentious it is, there's no way that this type of essay can garner above a six. most here are not aiming to ridicule you bio_freak, but please stop providing us with material by calling everyone "pompous." if you don't get an attitude adjustment, be prepared to see a rather unlovely score come back from the writing section.</p>
<p>When the new SAT is implemented in March of this year, the essay that you write will be released to every college that receives your SAT scores.</p>
<p>So, in essence, it IS an essay written to the adcoms. While they will overlook a few grammatical and syntax errors, given the timeframe, when they see the lack of organization as well as the questionable/offensive subject matter (calling your own mom greedy maid?), it may really hurt you in the admissions process.</p>
<p>Any grader could tell he couldn't think of anything to write so he BS'd a crappy story, pulled out a pocket dictionary and put in 5 random words he has no idea how to use and make flow, and has no structure at all, just a one paragraph short story.</p>
<p>deus.ex.machina:
I never said that this isnt a crule type of writing. It will offend an ordinary reader, but WILL NOW offend the SAT grader. Thats because they want you to support all you ideas. they do not care how cruel you write. they consider the style, structure, arrangement of ideas, and organization, which lacks in this writing. Remember that this essay is timed. so you should either make up ur essay or use all the ideas i have. LIKE I HAVE SAID BEFORE, i give this essay a 5 out of 12, not for the cruel ideas, but for the lack of structure/organization, etc.</p>
<p>the cruel subject matter is an issue, i think, because it clearly states on ets's essay scoring guidelines that one of the requirements is "using appropriate examples." i'd say a disrespectful attitude towards one's mother isn't exactly appropriate. in any case, if ets would disapprove of something as trivial as handwriting, which has nothing to do with structure, subject matter is certainly open to docking points.</p>