Please Help -Child Homesick

<p>For all of you experienced boarding school parents, please help. We took DS to school yesterday and before we left he was begging not to stay. His father and I went back to the hotel and he called at least 5 times wanting to come home. Then this morning he starting calling a little after 6am begging to come home. I went up to the school and talked to some of the staff and they assured me that he would get over this although it may take a little time. I just got home after an 8 hour drive and DS has sent three e-mails including a link to a flight home tomorrow. </p>

<p>Boarding school was totally his idea and we supported him. Any ideas on things to do or say to comfort him but not let him give up so easily?</p>

<p>debatemom- I am not an experienced parent but wanted to let you know I am thinking about you… I hope things turn out for the best!</p>

<p>Don’t worry too much. Homesick is common for first few weeks, then he will make new friends, get involve a lot of activities… and then enjoy the BS life !</p>

<p>You will be the one waiting for his phone call or e-mail, miss him a lot…so, be strong, find something to get you busy, last year, I did some remodel things.</p>

<p>Thanks PA-C and arling. My heart is saying bring him home but my head is saying tough it out.</p>

<p>Keep in close touch with the houseparents and your son’s advisor. The school should provide lots of support to both your son and to you.</p>

<p>Haven’t had this problem but i firmly believe if you let him bail now, he may later regret it for the rest of his life. It is not going to kill him to spend a few weeks at a minimum at this school. if it works out, he will gain confidence to try other endeavors. if not, he certainly will not have a hard time catching up at his old school. See if he can make it to Christmas. Best of luck.</p>

<p>DebateMom, I am also thinking of you–and hoping that we won’t face the same dilemma!</p>

<p>How about this… Talk with his advisor. Also, has he given any reason other than homesickness? I have heard that there’s no knowing who will feel homesick, once they go away to summer camp, or school. </p>

<p>You could say, “You know we love you, and we really miss you. However, when you convinced us that boarding school was the right thing for you, you said A, B and C. We were really proud that you put so much thought into it, and you convinced us. We think those reasons are still valid. Could you find it in you to tough it out until Parents’ Weekend? We’ll come see you then. This is probably just a passing bout of homesickness, which is totally normal, and will pass.”</p>

<p>If he’s there for early sports, you should emphasize that things will be different once everyone’s on campus.</p>

<p>I’m also a newbie mom, so this is a rehearsal for me as well, just in case!</p>

<p>I am so feeling your pain! We still have a few weeks before our son leaves and I am praying that the initial drop off goes smoothly. I’m actually more worried about my reaction than his!</p>

<p>I think your son will be fine and I do agree with catg that a few weeks away won’t kill him. I too would feel the pull of wanting to help him and bring him home while my head would say stick it out. I have been telling my son that he can always come back to our public school- after he finishes his year at BS.</p>

<p>In the end you know your son best and what is ultimately right for him. But I wouldn’t hesitate to do all I could to get him to stay as long as possible. It would be sad for him to come home and then wish he had stayed.</p>

<p>Good luck and keep us posted.</p>

<p>The conventional wisdom is to try and limit direct contacts for a few weeks to enable a cleaner break. I.e., use e-mail instead of phone; send a letter or care package instead of e-mail. Obviously, this has to be modified for every child’s experiences. If your son has never been away to sleep-away camp or on field trips with school, you may have more of an issue. Other parents I have known in this situation have worked out agrements with the child that they would both agree to review the decision to go away after the first trimester or at a definite but not-too-far out date that may be easier for the child to deal with. If the child has been away before without this issue, then you need to be certain that something in particular hasn’t happened recently at school to upset the child. Since the calls started almost at once, this would seem unlikely. Finally, while most people go through this in some degree, your child’s response does seem a little extreme. It just may be that BS isn’t the best solution for your child, although you will never really know if you don’t give it a few months.</p>

<p>DebateMom: I went through the same thing a few years ago on the other end. When my parents dropped me off at school, I don’t think I ever begged to be taken home (I knew that wasn’t really an option), but I think I called once every few hours for the first few days. It’s especially hard now, because everything is new and he doesn’t have any friends yet. Remind him that everyone else is in the same position. As hard as it is (and I know, I was painfully shy), tell him to invite other guys in the dorm to dinner. For the first few weeks I always went to dinner with the other girls in my dorm so we wouldn’t have to walk in alone and so we’d have someone to sit with. Lunch was slightly tougher for me, because none of the new girls in my dorm shared my lunch period. Until I met people, I just picked a random table and sat down. After a week of doing this, sitting down with a table of strangers didn’t bother me at all. Since everyone at the school was either new or was new recently and knew what it was like, they were very understanding and I met a lot of great people that way. Both of these are easy ways to make friends. Joining clubs is also good as is going to events on the weekend. Even if an event does not sound particularly interesting, he should go to meet people. The same goes for invitations. Never turn down an invitation to go somewhere or do something (within reason, of course). It’s something to do and is good for meeting people. Other suggestions: Have him get people to study together for that first big test. Have him call a random person from class with a homework question. Have him invite guys to hang out in his room after sign-in (or go hang out in some other guy’s room). Inviting a few guys to watch a movie is an especially good one. There’s no obligation to talk, but they can if they want to. It’s one of the easiest ways to become more comfortable with people. Once he has a group of people he feels comfortable calling to go to meals or to other events, he’ll feel a lot more comfortable and I bet you’ll get more “guess what I did today” calls rather than “please take me home” calls. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, this will only last about a month or two. Most of my fellow new upper friends made it to mid-October and then we all crashed as one. We had each other to lean on by this point and that helped, but around mid-October the work is heavy, it’s getting colder, and not everything is new and exciting anymore. At this point there’s not a lot you can do. It just takes adjusting. Make sure your son knows where all the academic support facilities are on campus, because the better a handle he has on his work, the easier it will be. Remind him to have fun, because that will help too. But that tends to be the low point and everything will go uphill from there. By Christmas break, he’ll probably miss the people he’s become close to. Unfortunately, it’s still hard for most people to come back after Christmas break, because in early January, it’s a long, cold shot to Spring break. On the plus side, January/February is usually the time when people realize which of those random acquaintances from fall term become real friends. That helps a ton. By spring break, he probably won’t be able to wait to get back to school. The bottom line is, yes, it’s really hard now and although it will be a blast at times, it will probably still be hard for awhile. But your son knew what he was doing when he chose to go to this school and those reasons still exist, as hard as they may be to see now. I’m willing to bet that if your son sticks it out, he’ll absolutely love the school in a few months. </p>

<p>I almost forgot, most schools have upperclassmen serving as proctors or prefects in each of the dorms. You might want to consider talking to one of them about your son’s homesickness. They tend to be a bit more hands on than school administrators and should be trained to deal with situations like this. </p>

<p>Old1: Yes, limiting direct contact will probably allow students to adjust faster, but what a hard way to do it! Personally, I’d rather adjust more slowly while still talking to my parents. But sending packages and letters is still a great idea. Most students at my school checked their mail at least once a day. It was very heartening to find a care package or letter there.</p>

<p>S went through similar feelings first semester of jr prep.
School limited phone contact so we didnt hear from him as much.
I would suggest you set some limits on phone calls. For example call only once a day and maybe 1-2 emails a day. That may help DS not obsess as much about missing you.
He will be ok, just remind DS how much you love her and all the other kids are going through the same thing.
You must be a great parent for her to miss you as much as he does. Like the other psoters said, get her dorm parent involved. they are used to this and will be able to help your D through this.</p>

<p>Good luck. I have a feeling a few more of us will be going through this in a week or so.</p>

<p>Tapper7, great post! I am saving it as my “guide to BS homesickness cure”. Debatemom, best wishes for your son getting over it soon!</p>

<p>Thank you all so much. I am reading each and every post and appreciate all of the input. We are blessed with a great system throughout the school. The assistant dean is calling me everyday. There are at least 5 faculty and staff that are monitoring him and having conversations with him several times a day. We are going to limit the phone calls to one 5 minute call per day. He can e-mail but I will not respond to requests to come. We will meet right before Christmas break to determine if we need to rethink BS. This should give him plenty of time to adjust.</p>

<p>DS called this morning at 6:00 am to again beg to come home. I think his desperation amps up on the phone with me. He told me he hadn’t eaten since we left him on Saturday. I do need to make sure the advisor knows this. </p>

<p>The one bright side is that his school put a picture on their website with his advisor with his advisee group and DS “looked” to be fine. Not the state of panic he seems in each time he calls.</p>

<p>remember, they know how to play the parent like a violin!</p>

<p>DebateMom how old is your child? How to handle this depends on the age of the child at school.</p>

<p>In my experience, for freshman aged adolescents, and unless there is a strong bond with a girlfriend/boyfriend/pet/online computer game experience or another security blanket, the homesickness will crest at Thanksgiving. Unlike Tapper’s post, by the end of Christmas Vacation the child will be eager to get back to school and be with heir BS friends.</p>

<p>DebateMom,</p>

<p>You might want to read this thread</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/390612-my-daughter-hates-boarding-school.html?highlight=homesick[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/390612-my-daughter-hates-boarding-school.html?highlight=homesick&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>to see how this has played out before. If nothing else, there are lots of good pieces of advice for your situation here.</p>

<p>I wish you and your DS the best.</p>

<p>Thanks Goaliedad for the link. I read all 6 pages and so much of it sounds like my son. I have cried so much my eyes are swollen. If S is the same he looks a hot mess and probably will have a hard time making friends. </p>

<p>He called during his lunch a little while ago begging to come home. Crying that he just can’t take it. He hates the place. He doesn’t like the kids. He doesn’t like the classes. I’m not sure how much I can take of all of this. I’m trying to be strong when talking to him but then I just literally collapse.</p>

<p>I also told him he needed to e-mail instead of calling. With a call he starts out pretty good but ends up in tears as soon as I say I’m not buying a plane ticket.</p>

<p>I was so hoping today would be better.</p>

<p>DebateMom - Have you talked to the dorm head and/or your son’s advisor yet? If not, you should. </p>

<p>Hang in there and hang tough!</p>

<p>Creative1 - Everyone at the school knows. I spoke with the Assistant Dean of students and he has lined everyone up - teachers, advisor, house parent, head of the school, chaplain, counselor and admissions director. I think the school is doing an amazing job. It is just that every single spare minute my son gets he calls. Right now I am waiting for the Assistant Dean to call and share how he did in classes today.</p>

<p>Hang in there DeabateMom! You will get through this!</p>