Please Help Grade my first essay

<p>This is my first ever essay and I would grealy appreciate it if i can get some solid feedback about it. Thank you very much.</p>

<p>This prompt is from the practice test 1</p>

<p>The traditional quote "Don't Judge a Book by it's Cover," is one many have heard. It's such a famous quote because it's definately true. From judging people of different races to even products sold in stores. First impressions of a person or situation is misleading and just plain superficial.</p>

<p>Ethnic race may tell slight information about someone but the information is very general and needs to be backed up. For example, back in the days of civil war African-Americans were considered slaves and have no meaning in life. However those who thought that were very wrong indeed. With Rosa Parks courage and Martin Luther King Jr.'s outstanding persuading techniques, African Americans took a stand and overcame their obstacle. Although Americans thought African Americans were mindless workers, the Blacks came through.</p>

<p>Products that are advertised applies the same concept. Appearances may catch our attention but results may not back it up. For example weight loss pills may seem great at first sight. A pill a day knocks the pounds away. However with closer and more detailed observations or better yet using scientific method to prove these pills, you will soon realize they are nothing but a scam. Not to mention the horrifying side effects that trails along.</p>

<p>Jumping to conclusions is also a superficial way of seeing things. In to Kill a Mockingbird the African American was charged of rape as a way to cover up the reality that lies beneath. Since he was a slave everybody believed in the American farming and jumped straight into conclusions. Yet when Scout's father took the stand and fought against society the truth reveals itself. Never come to a conclusion without knowing both sides of the story.</p>

<p>Appearances and impressions is usually our first signs of observations but it is definately overrated. It's not by judging ethnicity, or what society thinks that shows the characteristics of the person but the whole story must be revealed both sides to grasp the full understanding.</p>

<p>Personally I think I did okay... advice is GREATLY appreciated
Critique away!</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

<p>Stephen Lam</p>

<p>Okay...let me see if I can help:</p>

<p>First Paragraph:
You wrote: "It's such a famous quote because it's definately true. From judging people of different races to even products sold in stores."</p>

<p>It should be combined as a single sentence as sentence #2 is not a complete sentence. It should read: It's such a famous quote because it's definately true from judging people of different races to even products sold in stores.</p>

<p>Second Paragraph:
You wrote: "For example, back in the days of civil war African Americans..."</p>

<p>It should read: For example, back in the days of The Civil War African Americans..."</p>

<p>You wrote: "However those who thought that were very wrong indeed."</p>

<p>It should read: However, those who thought they were slaves were very wrong indeed."</p>

<p>Remarks: It might be good to explain what obstacle African Americans overcame. And by mentioning how the Blacks came though...it might be nice to mention the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863, and maybe even the Jim Crow Laws.</p>

<p>Third Paragraph:
You wrote: "...or better yet using scientific method to prove these pills..."</p>

<p>It should read: or better yet using the scientific method to prove these pills...</p>

<p>Remarks: For side effects, it might be better to mention say the constant addiction to the pills and how that a pill a day can be a costly experience.</p>

<p>Fourth Paragraph:
Remarks: The African American in the novel is Tom Robinson. Scout's father is called Atticus.</p>

<p>Anyways, hope you like my suggestions and sorry if i screwed up grammatically or something</p>

<p>It's definitely, not definately.</p>

<p>Ty very much for the feedback...</p>

<p>quick question, if you were to rate this... what would u give me?</p>

<p>First of all, write real english sentences. Please don't write fragments. Secondly, use 2 examples and write at LEAST 5 or more substaNTIAL sentences for each topic. I thought the Black/Rosa Parks/MLK racial prejudice topic was written hastily and not very deep/analytical. what you said was kind of trite... you don't have to have the most brilliant einstein idea,... just elaborate and explain/analyze a little more. You rather have fewer topics but really delve into them thoroughly rather than spread yourself out too thin. </p>

<p>What was good was that you took nonrelated topics from different sources (literary, historical, current event/observation) and strung them together nicely. So good organization. </p>

<p>There are some syntax awkwardness, words left out...ect stuff t hath you could fix. But seeing this is your first essay I think it is pretty good. The polish and refining comes with practice. Your length is also solid.
One more thing: in your conclusion summarize or mention not only the racial prejudice topic but also the diet pill. Because it seems like y ou just reiterate how people shouldn't judge others based on race, butu your essay includes a paragraph on how diet pill appearances can be deceiving as well.</p>