please help me with a little personal problem?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Relocated from the high school life forum...</p>

<p>I do have another CC account, but in fear of some of my friends seeing this, I made a new one. I'm a junior in high school, and while I'm aware that most teenagers my age are stressed, I can't help but vent a little bit.
My brother is a Princeton grad, a smart guy, what some would describe as a "prodigy", I suppose. I wouldn't call myself stupid, but that's all I hear. I'm tired of being told I'm not good enough, that I'm the idiot of the family, that I won't get into college. I'm tired of having things thrown at me and being locked inside the house. It's spring break, and I can't go have dinner with a friend for my birthday. I'm so frustrated that I can't even articulate it, and if I tell them, they don't care. I told my dad that I wanted to kill myself, and he just barked about tests and told me to go study.
That particular incident was a few hours ago, and I've calmed down since. However, this incident has repeated itself a countless number of times. Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I have a 3.9 gpa, I'm a founder of one of the most successful clubs at my school, editor in chief of 2 publications, I play sports, I have friends, I used to have fun... then I come home and I feel like a pathetic loser. I can't talk to anybody, they'll all flip a **** and want me to go see a doctor and my parents will just be even more disappointed in me.
I don't want to complain, and maybe there is another side to the story. I know I'm not a perfect kid, but I don't think I've done anything that bad. Sure, I get a few B's and I could've studied a bit more for the SATs. I don't think that warrants domestic lockdown and having freaking AP books thrown at my head. I don't know what I'm accomplishing by posting this, but maybe someone can tell me what the hell I should do now because I have no clue.</p>

2

<p>Try not to hold it against them forever, even though their behaviour is inappropriate and, probably ineffective. Parents are sometimes so obsessed with giving their children the “best future” that we forget about the kid in front of us right now. </p>

<p>At a calm time, I would tell your parents (perhaps one a time if you have an easier time talking to one than the other), how painful it is to feel that think you are a failure and how difficult it is to be compared to your brother. If you have an adult family friend who could listen to you and perhaps speak to your parents, that may help as well.</p>

<p>Remember that you are a very successful student and do have a bright future-- whatever path you choose for that future to take.</p>

3

<p>I’m glad you posted this here. You will get some good advice or the next several hours. ('Cause you know parents never go out on Saturday nights . . . )</p>

4

<p>Do you think your parents would allow you to see a counselor? Our second son sounds like you - his big brother is an excellent runner, Eagle Scout, high honor roll member, etc. The counselor really helped, more for what she said to US than to our son. A counselor could sit down with all of you so you could discuss things calmly. I think it would be worth a try!</p>

5

<p>If you truly want to kill yourself, PLEASE call a hotline (1-800-suicide), tell a school counselor or any other trusted adult.
Suicide is not an answer; there are professionals who can help you develop tools to cope.
Keep posting here if you are too afraid to make the call, we’ll help you find your courage.</p>

6

<p>(This parent has locked herself in the house, though it’s a pretty day, to work on grad school homework. YES, I’M TAKING A BREAK!)</p>

<p>thesecondtime, I’d be thrilled if my kid had a 3.9! You’re obviously a bright, well-rounded kid – kudos to you!</p>

<p>Sometimes it is hard for a parent to really hear a kid. And sometimes parents are just stupid about things.</p>

<p>DeidreTours has good advice. Talk to your parents when they are calm. If that’s really difficult, write them a letter, and then hold onto it for a day or two, reread it, and if what you want your parents to know is reflected accurately in the letter, give it to them.</p>

<p>I am wondering if perhaps your parents were brought up in another culture. Sometimes, that plays a part in the way parents and kids react to the same events. (And sometimes there are other factors that play that part, of course.) If this is the case, you may want to find an advocate for you who can speak to the differences.</p>

<p>Going to a doctor is not the worst idea; you could use this to your advantage, actually. You and your parents might benefit from some counseling. Going to counseling with my son has improved our communication a good bit. He is very reluctant to let me know what’s going on with him when we’re at home (answer my questions?! Not a chance!!), but wow, does he ever have a lot to say when we’re with the counselor! And something that he might say in passing at home that I might dismiss, he can bring up in counseling so that I hear him better, so I really get what he is saying, feeling, wanting to do, or how he looks at something.</p>

<p>So if they do offer to take you to a doctor, use that to get your parents into counseling!</p>

7

<p>Thank you to everyone. As for suicide, I’ve come close twice, but I’ve stopped myself so it’s fine. I appreciate the offer, though suicide hotlines freak me out. I feel like they’ll track me down and tell my parents and put me in a mental asylum. Completely irrational and untrue, but I can’t help it.
We have had these talks, but they don’t accomplish much. The counselor offer is intriguing. I don’t think they’ll agree though… I would talk to the school counselor too, but I have that same fear that people will find out and think I’m crazy. I do wish I could talk to someone though, I guess I’ll look around. Thanks again.</p>

8

<p>thesecondtime:</p>

<p>Most important question: did you mean it when you said you were thinking about killing yourself? This is the first and most important issue. </p>

<p>If so: call a suicide hot line [SuicideHotlines.com</a> - When You Feel You Can’t Go On – Let Someone Know Your Pain.](<a href=“Suicide Hotlines & Crisis Helplines | Free, 24/7 Chat, Text & Phone”>http://suicidehotlines.com/)
call a friend’s parents. call a school counselor at home.</p>

<p>The rest we can help you figure out. Come here for support any time.</p>

<p>edit: we cross posted. the fact that you have come close twice is NOT fine. Hotlines will not report you. They would be outed and lose all confidence if they did that. BTW, worrying that you may be crazy or that others will think so is actually quite common at your stage in life. Please don’t let that stop you from doing what is best for yourself.</p>

9

<p>I’m a teacher. Talk to a teacher. Or your guidance counselor. Monday. Print out your post and tell him or her you wrote it.</p>

<p>You sound like an absolutely great kid, and I’ll bet there are lots of adults in your life, other than your parents, who recognize that. Find one to talk to, and take it from there.</p>

<p>Take care.</p>

10

<p>I really feel for you- first I cannot say loudly enough- you are not your parents- you are not here to please them & you can live your life as you were meant to.</p>

<p>I am sad for you that your accomplishments are not appreciated for themselves- but in comparison to your sibling.</p>

<p>Believe me- I know how that is.
Not only are my children similar, yet very different in personality- and one child feels because her accomplishments have not been as visible- we prefer the other and that the other is " smarter" etc,( which is far from being true-I love both my kids very much, but it is true that I was under much more stress while younger one was growing up and that raised the general stress level for everyone- perhaps something similar is going on at your house)
I was born in the late '50’s to a " traditional" middle class family in the suburbs, who gave me two years to enjoy my only child status, until I was relegated to last place- because the next child was a boy.
While my father died when I was 17, my mother still holds my brother up as the example of shiny.
My younger sisters husband is next, then my sister, then my husband and then me.
A little demoralizing, but the advantage I have, is time and experience have taught me that my mothers opinion is not important to how I live my life.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are under a tremendous amount of stress- and I would suggest, that even though you seem to not want to see a therapist or doctor- because you feel it would actually cause more problems because that would be something else for your parents to worry about, let me assure you that the most important thing to remember is-and this sounds cliched- but " You belong to you"
it is your job to learn to focus on what* you *need. You can go to a therapist and it will be completely confidential. If they can help you get through this whitewater rapids of parental expectations into your adult life- then that is worth it, IMO.
You can’t change anyone but yourself.
I expect, something else is driving your parents demands.
Possibly they are worried about your future- need to have your status assured in the community- I really don’t know.</p>

<p>Happy Birthday- anyway</p>

11

<p>Mom2Three is right – please, please talk to a teacher or counselor. You’re worth it, and your life is worth it. </p>

<p>Your folks may need counseling, but you need support.</p>

12

<p>Please ask your parents if they will support counseling. If that is not the case, you can get it yourself by asking your guidance counselor how to go about it. Most school districts have a psychologist that students can talk to. The hardest part of this will be starting. Obviously you are stressed out and, if you have suicidal thoughts, you are also suffering from depression. Depressed people do not have a lot of hope for the future. That is why their loved ones sometimes push them towards the mental health they need. If your loved ones will not be helping you, you will have to summon up the strength to begin getting the help you need. Once you start, others will be there to support you. I really think you should tell any adult that you can trust at your high school that you feel/have felt suicidal. Sometimes parents get caught up in protecting the future options of their kids instead of supporting them in the her and now. You need support now. Hopefully, once you begin counseling or even have a meeting with your parents and the people from your HS, your parents will be able to give your the help you currently need. Having had many family members who have suffered from depression and some who have been suicidal, I can tell you most people move past these feelings and learn to appreciate being alive. Do not give up. Taking just one step by calling or talking to someone could change your life for the better immediately.</p>

13

<p>Please talk to a counselor, teacher or other adult, and call a suicide hotline if you feel that you’re really going to kill yourself.</p>

<p>I grew up in a miserable family, and tried suicide when I was young. I am so happy that I lived. As an adult, I can live the kind of life that I want, and my life is so much happier than when I was growing up. I have other adult friends who had similar experiences. Please get help, and know that you don’t need to die to escape the misery you’re experiencing now.</p>

14

<p>Prove them wrong.</p>

<p>My parents told me that I’d never go to college, that I wasn’t as smart as my peers, and that I’ll never have a good job or be financially responsible or stable.</p>

<p>Ironically now I’m the one lending THEM money.</p>

15

<p>OP,</p>

<p>You have my deepest empathy. If my son had 3.9 GPA with wonderful activities, I would thanks the stars… The fact that you had enough wherewithal to open up like this on this forum tells me that you have what it takes to make it through this difficult time, and I am sure in the end you will come out ahead.</p>

<p>I have two sons. One is very intellectually gifted, the other (younger one) is more action oriented. Though the older one shines better by conventional matrix, it is NO indication that in the long run he will be more successful than the second one. The second one feels deeply and connects deeply with people, and I tremendously treasure my interaction with him, even when is rebelling!</p>

<p>The grades and the undergrad diploma are just a fraction of the data points that go into the whole equation called “life”. No matter how much better grades and school awards your sibling may have, this is empathetically NO indication that that makes him more than who you are. </p>

<p>The second one onces told me that sometimes he feels like he is an outsider, since his parents and his brother seem cut from the same cloth (like, prissy intellectuals), while he seems to be on a different wavelength. I told him that the fact that he stays the course and remains true to who he is, what interests him, and what compels him means that he has a tremendous inner strength and confidence, and that makes him an ORIGINAL MASTERPIECE. A lesser individual would have succumbed to the unspoken family norm and tried to mimic the majority of the family members, and wound up an inferior copy of the originals. The same advice goes to you. Stick to who you are, and you are your own original masterpiece and over time, your value will become apparent, if sadly not to your parents, at least to the rest of the world.</p>

<p>I am sorry that your parents are not seeing the gem that you are. Please understand that parents are not infallible, and we all make mistakes. Nobody, including your parents, can take away a sense of self worth from you without your permission.</p>

<p>One thing I might suggest you DO is to talk to your brother. Do you have a good relationship with him? Do you see him as a sympathetic figure? Is he aware of what’s going on? If so, you might want to have a heart to heart with him. Since your parents seem to put him on a pedestal, your brother may be able to “reach” them better on your behalf. He may be in a position to help you. I helped my sister in law in this manner with my parents: since I was considered a family flagship and an “authority” on many life matters, they listened to me when I praised her and their opinions of her actually improved over the years</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

16

<p>Please understand that suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. Right now, your parents’ house and your high school feel like the whole world. They aren’t. In just 18 months or so, you’ll be out in the BIG world–shaping your own life, making your own decisions, no longer hearing their voices putting you down every night over the dinner table. You will be free. </p>

<p>Are there any more sympathetic adult family members you could confide in? An aunt or uncle, older cousin, etc.? Are you and your brother close, in spite of the way your parents compare you all the time?</p>

<p>You sound like a great kid that most parents would feel very, very proud of.</p>

17

<p>Your parents ARE proud of you, they just need to be taught how to communicate it effectively. Call for help ASAP.</p>

18

<p>my advice, enroll at the best school you can get into and that your parents will pay for, and study your butt off and go out into the world a better person than your parents, and even your brother, are. go out there and make a difference and remember not to treat your kids the same way. That is the best thing you can do and I know you are capable.</p>

19

<p>thesecondtime, one thing struck me as I read your posts this morning:</p>

<p>You titled this “Please Help Me with a Little Personal Problem.” Yet, you acknowledge that you’ve “come close” to suicide twice.</p>

<p>I sense a disconnect here. This is not a “little problem” for you; this is serious. </p>

<p>As parents, we know that where you are in life today – following in your brother’s footsteps, being pressured and threatened by your parents – is not where you’ll be in a year or two or ten or thirty. I agree with those who recommend some counseling, because it will allow you to see the long-term as well as provide you with tactics to deal with the short-term. </p>

<p>I’m assuming you’re in a decent school system with a relatively sophisticated guidance counselor. Go see your guidance counselor tomorrow, Monday. (I hope you’re not on break this week.) Your GC has seen it all before. He/she can help you. Really.</p>

<p>Additional thought: The GC will maintain your confidentiality – in other words, he/she won’t go running to your parents and report what you told him/her. (You of course should confirm that with your GC.) But your GC will also be able to talk to your parents seriously in order to temper their [perhaps unrealistic] expectations of your college admissions. Your parents need to hear from your GC that Ivy admissions are a crapshoot, that this year’s class is the most competitive ever, that they shouldn’t expect the same results as when your bro applied, etc. Hearing this info from a neutral, expert third-party may go a long way toward getting your parents in a more reasonable frame of mind.</p>

20

<p>“I don’t think that warrants domestic lockdown and having freaking AP books thrown at my head.”</p>

<p>Parents’ throwing books at you indicates a horrifying loss of control on their part, indicating that your parents could use some professional help to learn how to control their anger. Toddlers throw things when angry; mature adults don’t. Your parents’ behavior also may qualify for child abuse. </p>

<p>" I can’t talk to anybody, they’ll all flip a **** and want me to go see a doctor and my parents will just be even more disappointed in me."</p>

<p>A parent who’d be disappointed if their child needed to see a mental health counseling is a parent who has major problems or lacks sophistication about illnesses. Their behavior would be as if a parent became disappointed because a child needed to see a doctor due to having a disease like diabetes.</p>

<p>In your situation, a mental health professional probably would view your situation as a family problem, and want to work with your parents, not just you since your depression is related to your parents’ behavior and unrealistic expectations. </p>

<p>Whatever your parents do, please hang in there because when you go away to college – any college that gets you out of their house – you won’t have to deal daily with your parents’ behavior, and you also will be able to get counseling to help you break free of your understandable depression due to your parents’ behavior, and you can find ways of being independent of your parents’ view of yourself.</p>