Please Help. ***Petty Roommate Alert***

Student Lounge College Life
1

I’m a junior and currently live in a triple dorm that’s basically one big bedroom with a bathroom and kitchen included. I’ve lived with Roommate 1 since freshman year and absolutely adore her. We’re not best friends, per se, but we get along very well and have little to no problem with each other. Roommate 2 on the other hand, is working on my last nerve.

At the beginning of the semester, neither Roommate 1 nor I knew Roommate 2 very well, and just figured she was a nice, shy girl. Then we noticed that she started putting sticky notes up around the room when we were out to class, dinner, etc. “Dishes maximum wait time: 1 hr” and “recycle ALL plastics and compost” were common themes. Roommate 1 and I figured it was just a one-time thing. We were wrong.

A week into the semester, Roommate 1 and I were studying at our desks (no lights but our desk lamps on) around 11 PM, when we each got a text from Roommate 2 saying, “Can you please turn the lights off? I’m trying to sleep.” Okay, that’s fine - we understood that some people can’t sleep with any lights on. So we would study outside the dorm whenever it seemed like she was about to sleep, or just drag a table into our walk-in closet, since it had a door. However, she often would just spend an hour lying in bed looking at her phone, so we were never sure when she was actually sleeping. So when we didn’t notice that she had put her phone down and we were still at our desks, she would get upset with us.

She refused to get an eye cover in case this happened, said it wasn’t “her style” to tell us when she was going to bed, and continued to get angry with us. She eventually bought this giant black tent that zipped up completely around her twin-sized bed, but STILL made us turn all the lights out when she would go to bed.

Anyway, this is how things have been going through the semester, and we’ve had several small fights, the biggest of which involved me noticing that she was upset about something, asking her about it, only to be told that “I should get off her back and stop pretending to be her big sister.” I didn’t realize that showing concern for the person you live with automatically meant you had an “older sibling complex.”

Now, Roommate 1 and I hardly ever speak to Roommate 2, because we know it’ll just end up with her being offended about something really petty. Both Roommate 1 and I have boyfriends, which we realize may be aggravating the situation, but neither of our boyfriends are in our dorm for more than an hour at a time, maybe 2-3 times a week. Neither of them have ever slept over, and they always clean up after themselves. Neither of them really want to be in our dorm whenever Roommate 2 is there anyway, because she always shoots them nasty glares and just zips herself up in her tent or locks herself in the closet whenever someone else is in the room. The same goes for any of our non-romantic friends - nobody ever wants to come over to visit because of Roommate 2.

Lately we’ve noticed that Roommate 2 is being more passive aggressive than ever. She’s separated all of her food in the fridge to one side, will only take out trash when most of it is hers, will immediately lock herself in the closet whenever we come into the dorm, etc. And all of that would be fine, but now she’s taken to going to bed anywhere between SIX AND EIGHT PM. Considering that she doesn’t have class particularly early (10 AM at the earliest), Roommate 2 and I can’t help but think she’s doing this on purpose. I recall from last year, that she thought her ex-roommate was crazy, so Roommate 2 would set her alarm at ridiculously early hours (5-6 AM) to “get back at her.” Of course, her no-lights, no-sound rule applies to her ridiculous bedtime, so Roommate 1 and I have a hard time doing anything in the dorm, including making dinner in OUR kitchen.

Also, Roommate 2 has no respect for Roommate 1’s and my preferences, even though she has so many of her own. Roommate 2 will be on the phone with her friends from other universities for HOURS in the closet, so we have to wait for her to finish before we can grab clothes, shoes, etc. She’ll also come back from her morning classes and turn all the lights on, slam doors, etc. when Roommate 1 is still sleeping. She’s a year younger than Roommate 1 and I, so she’s always asking for help on homework, without asking if we are occupied at the moment. For example, last night Roommate 1 had come back to the dorm at 2 AM after studying to find that Roommate 2 was still awake. Roommate 2 asked Roommate 1 for extensive help on a Microsoft Excel assignment (without checking to see if she was busy). When they were finally done, Roommate 1 wanted to go to bed and tried putting up the curtain between her bed and Roommate 2’s, only to hear Roommate 2 say, “No, don’t put the curtain up, I need the light.” She wanted to keep the light on when someone else needed to sleep. I couldn’t believe how hypocritical it was and how self-centered she was.

We’ve both gotten to the point where we hate Roommate 2’s very existence. We will not be living with her again next semester, but I’d like to know if it seems like we’re doing something to warrant this sort of treatment from Roommate 2. Any advice on how to get through this semester without strangling her or being a pushover is very welcome.

2

What has your RA said?

3

I doubt it. Maybe you do some mildly annoying things, everyone does, but she really seems like she’d be better off with a single room so she can have everything the way she wants.

Personally I would have some sort of meeting about not being able to do things in the room after she goes to bed at 6 pm. That is an unreasonable request and maybe you can make her see that.

4

I’d ask your RA to mediate a conversation between you and help you set up some rules to help you finish out the semester.

5

You should talk to an RA. Roommate 2 sounds like they’re suffering from some sort of OCD or they’re just really spoiled and not adapting well to having to share a living space. Not your fault, and it’s not your problem to deal with.

6

I think, from the way you’ve written, that you know this starts as “her” problem(s,) not you or R1. Talk to the RA. Ultimately, this is one of those cases were I’d love to say: nicely tell her you understand she has special needs/wants, you’ve done all you can to be accommodating, but the strain on all 3 of you is too much, you need to be able to study, sleep, have privacy, etc, and has she explored getting a new room assignment.

But also, if she’s doing things like asking for late night help, you can say, I’m sorry, but. Or, I’m free tomorrow, if you want 20 minutes help.

7

I’m a bit mystified by why the two of you let one other person hold so much power (don’t you have the advantage in numbers?). Regardless, it’s RA time, time to get a presumably impartial mediator involved. I would write out the issues with very specific examples as you have done with us: dates, times, incidence, the interaction that ensued, the result. Dealing in generalities won’t help your argument. Also think about what your desired outcome is and the odds of achieving that:

  • roommate #2 magically changes her behavior: unlikely. She may have been unable to at the beginning (call it OCD, or being particular or whatever), but now she's unable AND unwilling because she feels you two are ganging up on her.
  • roommate #2 gets reassigned to another shared room or a single: unlikely, especially if housing is tight at your school.
  • roommate agreement with ACTUAL consequences: nothing you three draft up and agree to will mean a hill of beans if it 1) isn't enforceable, and 2) there aren't negative consequences if repeatedly violated. If you are able to craft something that has the potential to result in some sort of positive "behavioral correction", I'd definitely do it with the RA so that everyone feels that they have a voice and you have a witness.

I hope you have an effective RA who will be a help in this and not give the old, “You all have to work it out yourselves.” Your response would then be, “We can’t. That’s why we’re coming to you. This is your job.”

8

I would take a step back and look what is reasonable.

  1. Dirty dishes…where are these? How long are they out? Are they smelly? Why not clean them right after eating? Maybe get disposables?

  2. Recyclables: Are they open? are they just soda bottles on your side of the room? Are they truly affecting her or is it just rules she would like to be followed?

  3. Bed time. Your dorm has quiet hours. Those are hours where it is expected that you are quiet and people might be sleeping. Doing homework at 11:00 should be reasonable. Doing homework at 2:00am is not reasonable. Expecting to be quiet/dark from 6:00pm is not reasonable.

  4. Accommodations…wearing an eye shade because of light is reasonable. Wearing earplugs when you sleep at a non-standard hour is reasonable. Having to wear earplugs every night in the 12-7am time frame is not reasonable.

  5. Guests: Having guests over for an hour or two 2-3 times a week is reasonable. Not wanting any guests sleeping over is reasonable.

So think about what you can reasonably do and what you cannot.

Go to your RA and ask them to help mediate an agreement on quiet times, guests, dishes, etc.

9

I know that student.

It may not have occurred to you that your roommate feels neglected. It is saddening that all other cc-ers are telling you that it is not your problem and you should ignore her. perhaps your roommate feels isolated and her acts of passive aggression are a shout out for help. She doesn’t just appear to be shy, she is! perhaps she’s having a hard time finding her bearings and making friends, seeing you in a supportive social circle with close friends makes her feel even farther apart.

The first time you had friends over, did you attempt to include her in the conversation? having other people in the(/your) room who aren’t talking to you starts out by being awkward then it gets uncomfortable, then it makes you sad and just may turn into depression. Soon whenever someone steps foot into your room you lock yourself in the closet. You may think that she’s being touchy but have you considered that she’s HIDING, that she feels lonely and like you guys don’t WANT her.

The weird sleep cycles, the lights, the separation of her food, the sticky notes could be her way of trying to get your attention. I mean seriously a tent.

all other suggestions are in my opinion over the top. I have a simple one.

What if you just tried being her friend, involve her in your activities, talk to her, ask her how her day has been, laugh with her, go to dinner ‘with her’, ask her if she want’s to go to the next party…she’ll decline but’ll mean the world to her.

being in triple with two people who are against you can be tough. the fact that you won’t be roommates next semester means that you and R1 talk about her (behind her back) she may not be present when this happens but I can assure you she can feel it. She sees the camaraderie between the two of you, a friendship that she’s not being included in which only serves to intensify her feelings of isolation.

What you see as mean glares may be a defense mechanism to hide her loneliness. I can picture you laughing and giggling with R1 while she feels the need to lock herself away in a closet whenever you or your boyfriends come over because she feels unwanted. Having to sleep at awkward times so that she’s physically there but not ‘really there’.

“We’ve both gotten to the point where we hate Roommate 2’s very existence”

10

^ Oh please. Did you miss the part where OP attempted to be friendly by showing concern for the roommate, and she responded by saying OP “should get off her back and stop pretending to be her big sister”?

11

@winterkomt When a person has social anxiety, or for that matter any sort of personal mental issue, it is not everybody elses responsibility to go out of their way and make sure that person is getting 100% of their needs/wants met. This person literally bought themselves a tent to hide in. I think they’ve got some of their own demons they should work through.

12

@winterkomt I really do where you’re coming from - that she may feel very unwanted or left out whenever our boyfriends/friends are over. But the thing is, in the beginning of the year, we invited her out to everything - dinner, hangouts, random social events, etc., and we continued to do so, well into this semester. She would often accept, and most times there wouldn’t be any problems. She began declining our requests to hangout, or tell us off if we asked if she was doing okay when she seemed upset. Then she began nitpicking about certain things concerning our friends or things in the dorm as she became more comfortable, I suppose? I really can’t pinpoint any one thing that could have set her off so badly.

I also understand your point about her maybe having social anxiety, but is it fair for us to have to accommodate her every wish because of it? We are trying to be as reasonable as possible, but it just becomes so tiresome when you walk in your dorm and it’s as if you’re being met with an icy wall. I just don’t know how to approach her anymore, because it seems like we’ve done everything we can.

13

From the responses I’ve been getting, I should apologize. My reply was written without any context. I tried to connect the dots were they clearly weren’t any. I based my reply on personal experience; I know people in my dorm who at first were distant and cold but after someone reaching out to them, blossomed becoming more likable, freer and less and less gloomy. These people as it often turned out acted in this manner because they felt marginalized.

Now after reading the fine print, I see that you evidently did all these things and more. I apologize. I tried to generalize your roommate’s character based on a myopic reference point .

What you’re dealing with must be very trying. I genuinely sympathize with you.

14

I tend to be sympathetic to people with various issues, but this girl is manipulating to an extreme degree. It’s not healthy. Do you see the extent to which you and the other roommate have let her “train” you to accommodate her (tiptoeing around and going into a closet after 6 or 8 PM, yet helping her with her homework after 2AM?). Yet, the more you extend yourself, the less she respects you. It’s clear you are kind…look at the extent to which you are doubting yourself now, even with her extremes of behavior.

It’s imperative that you set some appropriate boundaries now or she will take more and more, and respect you less and less…because she can. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being mean…not setting them results in more resentment, for good reason. Even if she is a bit out of control …ESPECIALLY if she is out of control…you are actually doing her a favor by setting a limit…but you must mostly think of your own well-being. If you are describing this accurately, your and your other roommate’s good intentions are being abused.

She can refuse to do the mature thing “because it’s not her style” yet it doesn’t matter to her what your (and other roommate’s) “style” is. She is not reciprocating your concern at all…she mocks your concern.

Yes, see an RA NOW, and if the RA is not effective, go higher up the ladder. At the least (best with the RA, so that you have a witness) set a time (10 PM? 11PM?) which would be the absolute minimum for her to expect complete quiet and darkness.) Refuse to turn off the lights, go into the closet or tiptoe before that time, though being a little quiet during study time is reasonable. If she is in the closet with a phone call, you should be able to go in to get necessary items…at most if you want to extend a degree of politeness, wait ten minutes into the call (unless you really need to get something urgently.) If someone is actually sick, or had an all-night study session, I can understand the RARE lights-out at 8PM out of thoughtfulness. But this situation is out of bounds! I hope she can move out, but in the meanwhile, it’s OK to stand firm.