<p>What jumps out at me is that he’s living on his terms only; you don’t set the rules in your own house, he does. He’ll play video games several hours a day, won’t have his blood drawn, doesn’t want to study, eats what he wants, etc. He’s not listening to you at any level, about any issue, yet he’s miserable.</p>
<p>You clearly don’t have support from your husband, who seems to undermine all of your efforts with your son. Of course, he’s taking advantage of the mixed message and choosing to listen to the more lenient parent. Both of you must send a unified message in order to help your son get through this difficult period.</p>
<p>I suggested a 504 plan for emotional issues…finish up the year at home.</p>
<p>He said no way-that’s for the kids who are nuts…
and everyone will think I’m a loser…I pointed out the “everyone” in his life will be out of his life anyway and he never has to see them again…</p>
<p>Agree with Olymom’s post #20. Therapy is so…negative. Find something positive to do together. I disagree that the three of you should go back to the therapist to talk about problems again.</p>
<p>I have had the best luck “talking” to my boys walking the dog or in the car. I never thought about the dominance issue (even though they are all taller than me!) in face to face conversations and always attributed it to the lack of distractions, but it makes sense what you say Olymom. My husband has the best luck by having them work on a project in the yard or in the house, but again like you say those are side-by-side conversations. Very interesting.</p>
<p>@ olymom–mom3… he wants to talk but by the same token he wants his privacy. And yes, I am quick to jump in with too many suggestions…i’m not a good listener…a work in progress. I think he is no longer interested in the therapist b/c he sees this as paying someone to solve his problems – and I think he thinks he is smarter b/c he can do math and physics…but what can a therapist do…unfortunately, tech people get snooty and elitist sometimes…I’ve worked side by side with them for years…they think they are better than everyone else… so I am guessing that road has dried up…</p>
<p>@NYsmile Thanks - -now I am certain no consigning necessary-- b/c that is where I draw the line…that is NOT happening…</p>
<p>@gourmet mom-- i know all this - which is why i wrote the post…terribly dysfunctional situation… husband is the problem too…my next option is to change the locks and throw them both out…obviously not an option is it? I want to help my son help himself… my husband wants to slow that process down and allow my son to help himself after he bottoms out and thinks he isn’t yet at the bottom… (hey, get son out the door and healthy…then work on the debris left on the 35 year marriage…)</p>
<p>@Givings…
He visited one of his older siblings over spring break at college - this being one of those on his short list…had a great time …but perhaps saw how hard it will be …maybe unconsciously sabotaging his success to avoid going to college…who knows?</p>
<p>We are middle class-- not deep pockets…but pockets to fund him getting help, getting away for the summer, etc… I suggested he go abroad for the summer to relatives who would look after him…he said it’s dangerous to be an american travelling in the world right now…has an excuse for everything doesn’t he…
He is actually excited that the local gaming chain has a part time position open and put his application in yesterday-- so he can be responsible when he wants…
He still volunteers in the community about 2 hours a week - so he’s not a total loss, takes private music lessons and has a moderate social life…
but once he’s home…he hides in his room for hours playing videos…and eats none stop!
None of this would be cause for concern except for the rages, mood swings and precipitous decline in the grades this past quarter.</p>
<p>Ok-- you’ve all been very helpful - realization- I need to look the other way and chill out…and hope for once my hover-mom gut reaction is wrong…he’s still a jerk!</p>
<p>In hindsight…the mother-daughter issues I experienced many years ago seem pale by comparison…yeech-- S’s are so hard!</p>
<p>Know that engineering schools are tough, even for kids who have a good health and good work ethic and positive attitude. It may be a good idea to have him take the loans for the first semester at least. Then he’ll have some skin in the game.</p>
<p>quote:
once he’s home…he hides in his room for hours playing videos…and eats none stop!
None of this would be cause for concern except for the rages, mood swings and precipitous decline in the grades this past quarter.</p>
<p>Ok-- you’ve all been very helpful - realization- I need to look the other way and chill out…and hope for once my hover-mom gut reaction is wrong…he’s still a jerk!</p>
<p>Wrong. This could very much be something to worry about. Mother’s gut reactions are right on. This was told to me by the chief psychiatrist at the psych ward. Trust your intuition.</p>
<p>He’s 17. Your last chance to force him to be evaluated, and get him treatment, if needed. At least you’d have some peace of mind that you tried to give him help.</p>
<p>Gourmetmom is right on:
What jumps out at me is that he’s living on his terms only; you don’t set the rules in your own house, he does. He’ll play video games several hours a day, won’t have his blood drawn, doesn’t want to study, eats what he wants, etc. He’s not listening to you at any level, about any issue, yet he’s miserable.</p>
<p>You clearly don’t have support from your husband, who seems to undermine all of your efforts with your son. Of course, he’s taking advantage of the mixed message and choosing to listen to the more lenient parent. Both of you must send a unified message in order to help your son get through this difficult period.</p>
<p>This is true regardless of whether it turns out that your S has a mood disorder, is immature, physically ill from the diabetes, or just behaving like a jerk.</p>
<p>You absolutely should have the power in your own home. Take it back.</p>
<p>I have a 16 year old son who would no doubt play video games all day, eat junk, lock himself in his room, not brush his teeth, on and on - the list of things that he would not do is very long. Many boys fit this description - and my son is an exceptional student, especially in math, so intelligence really doesn’t have anything to do with this particular problem - it’s a symptom of immaturity.</p>
<p>Perhaps I’m harsh and cruel, but I have a zero tolerance for this stuff. I insist that he turn off the computer, come down to dinner, finish his homework. Honestly, he doesn’t have the option to not listen to me - and he is very stubborn. </p>
<p>I know that it’s very difficult, but the first step in getting your son help is to insist that he listen to you and follow your wishes. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t be past telling him while he’s in the car with you that you’re going to get his blood drawn right now and detouring to get that done. </p>
<p>Don’t buy the food that he’s eating, as you say “constantly,” in his room. Keep the cupboards empty for a while - that will get his attention.</p>
<p>Disconnect the internet. “Sorry honey, it’s obviously too much of a distraction for you, so we’ll have to do without it for a while.” Once you have his attention, you can compromise for a few hours on the weekend. I only allow my boys to play xbox on the weekends and they never bother to ask to play during the week, because it’s never been allowed.</p>
<p>No I most certainly would not look the other way. He’s disrespecting you. He has the mental faculties to play complicated video games, he can figure out a way to get his grades up and be nice to his parents. Video games are a major way for boys to socialize, they’re not inherently bad, but his behavior is unacceptable. If he can keep his grades where they need to be, help around the house, and play nice, then you should not comment about how much you dislike his chosen activity. He needs to learn work comes before play. And his father should be making sure he doesn’t disrespect you. You and your husband might find some use in counseling for the two of you on how to deal with this and keep your relationship okay.</p>
<p>I think you get to tell him that you’ve made an appointment for him with an internist who will give him a thorough physical exam which is required for college, make sure all his immunizations are up to date, get him the meningitis vaccine (which is required in many states, ) etc. The internist is prepared to give him valium or some other moderately sedating drug in order to get all the needle work done- blood work, immunizations, booster for tetanus, etc. And that he’s not going to college without the physical- period end of message.</p>
<p>And then make sure the Dr. gets the entire medical file- therapist, all previous dr.'s visits, his weight up and downs, etc. prior to his appointment with your son. And in my state, at 17, you are allowed to discuss the findings with the Dr.</p>
<p>I’ve known plenty of ornery teenage boys in my life. This sounds beyond the typical boundary setting/challenging behavior although since I’m not a doctor I won’t try to parse what is biochemical, what is behavioral, what is normative. But you need medical intervention asap. Rapid weight gain is just as concerning as rapid weight loss.</p>
<p>And agree that you get to control what’s in your cabinets at home and in the fridge, and if it’s time to remove the internet connection for a while, so be it. We took out cable for a while (told the kids it was an economy move and that anyone who didn’t like it could come up with the dough to put it back) and it was a godsend. </p>
<p>And in your description of what he does every week I don’t see any chores. Not to get all Laura Ingalls Wilder on you… but someone strong enough to work out at a gym in capable of doing a few loads of laundry, pushing a vacuum cleaner, mulching a flower bed. My kids were plenty challenging… but the household responsibilities were non-negotiable. They could trade off with each other if someone was having a bad week, but the price of living under this roof was contributing to the common good. I am very sad for you that this has taken a bad turn-- but you get to reassert your parental rights here.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for support and suggestions.</p>
<p>Much of what was said I already know…but I have two unwilling people here-- husband not moving, not much interested in therapy let alone discussing the matter-- he just buries himself in his work (avoiding issue) and seems less frazzled about our son’s position - as I noted…he already states, let the kid fail and then he’ll be ready for help. So I would like to hear from others who have managed to deal with similar issues.
The son isn’t going to be forced to go anywhere-- I did speak with the GC and 504 person again yesterday-- they are going to intervene and read him the riot act about the danger of failing out of high school or being rescinded given the precipitous decline in grades.
As for medical intervention-lab testing, therapy-- I’m going to push again after AP exams (don’t want to fuel the fire) and at that point, school forms for medical exams will become due-- (he choose a college, paid his deposit from his bank acct and there are numerous forms due in June- one of which is the health form).</p>
<p>For my own sanity and peace of mind-- I have re-read my own writing here-- actually a good exercise for myself-- and realize that although my gut tells me he is deeply troubled, sad and possibly mental ill vs. a teenager with lots of angst…the situation is only made worse when I try to push him out of his “happy place” - however wasteful that place has become-- he’s only more hostile and angry when I point it out…so for the peace of the house…and my own sanity- it’s best for me to try to avoid discussions. </p>
<p>And someone asked if he did house chores- oh yes-- goes without saying. He has done his own laundry and family towels/etc. for many years… he does wash bathrooms – we rotate across the family members, he empties the dishwasher, takes out the garbage (if reminded) and someone even mentioned gardening…he dug a bunch of holes for me to plant bulbs last week…he was perfectly happy doing so.
Deep down- he’s a good kid–but it’s painful to watch the ugly wasteful side which dominates his existence and the rages which come and go when stress overwhelms him.</p>
<p>Just on the diabetes issue, his blood glucose level can be tested without having “blood drawn” - for daily testing, he should be using a glucose meter, and the HA1C test, for a 3-month check, can be done with a finger-prick too. Find a lab/diabetologist that has that option. High blood sugar can have emotional effects as well as physical ones, and diagnosis with diabetes can be difficult for a teenager. Type 2 in someone that age suggests that he was quite overweight - which can also be a contributor to unhappiness at that age. He should be working with a diabetes team, that includes an MD specializing in diabetes, and not just a regular MD or diabetes educator.</p>
<p>DO trust those maternal instincts - they KNOW when something is amiss!! It sounds like he IS a great kid, and there are some definate issues that need to be looked at by professionals. I am sorry your husband is not on the same page with you, that makes it so much harder. </p>
<p>and do get that medical help, starting with a physical, SOON. It will be SO much easier to do now, before he turns 18. FYI - when he turns 18, the Doctors do not have to tell you anything, even if you are paying the bill (same as the universities) unless your son signs a release saying it is ok for the Doctors to talk to you. (what a shock that was when our daughter had medical issues in college!)</p>
<p>be sure to take care of yourself, that is very important. try to get some sleep and exercise and any distractions with OTHER activities to keep your strength, and sanity!</p>
<p>Good luck, all of our thoughts and prayers are with you!</p>
<p>Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this. :(</p>
<p>I want to reassure you that your kid probably isn’t so bad off that he needs to be institutionalized and he doesn’t sound suicidal. He might be depressed. He might have reached his breaking point with school and be rebelling (even though it’s an illogical way to rebel if he wants to attend/succeed at college.) He’s definitely acting immature. This could also be an extreme case of “fouling the nest” so that leaving everything he knows for the vast wilderness of college isn’t as hard (although, again, he’s taking it beyond what teens usually do.) I don’t see anything in the behavior listed that suggests he should be institutionalized. </p>
<p>I know you’re worried because of his behavior, but remember that even if he does flunk out of high school or college, he can still have a great future (after he matures). But hopefully it won’t come to flunking out and he’ll shape up before it comes to that.</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, what game/games is he playing? If it’s a massive multi-player, those can have a strooong pull for various reasons. I would definitely cut off internet access if it’s World of Warcraft or the like.</p>
<p>Why are these massive party games a “pull”? …Sorry, much ignorance there…all the games look the same-- shooting aliens, people, same thing…shooting games, blood on screen…deeply disturbing…</p>
<p>Coolweather, that kind of thing is way outside the realm of the typical gamer, even the ones who are the most hooked. That’s like a case we had in my city where one dishwasher killed another because they had a disagreement on how to put the forks in . . . It can happen, but it’s so, so rare.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’m not familiar with Sentinel, but I think Halo is also a “team” game.</p>
<p>There are a couple reason that WOW has more “pull” than other (non “internetty”) video games. (I’m not as familiar with Halo and Sentinel, so these may not apply to them.)</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You play with other real people, which fulfills the urge to socialize. </p></li>
<li><p>There’s pressure to “keep up” with your online friends . . . If you are Level 2 and they’re Level 50, you aren’t going to be able to play in the same areas as they are, because the Level 50 monsters will kill you in one blow. It’s even worse if you’re in a raiding guild. (Raiding = huge groups of people working to achieve a hard goal. Guild = in-game clubs you can join.) Some raiding guilds will basically expect you to raid every weekend . . . which can last ALL weekend. </p></li>
<li><p>The game never “ends.” You just keep playing and playing and playing, so you can keep socializing with your friends and collect rare loot.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Personally, I’ve found massive multiplayers to be rather boring after the first week, but I can see how people get hooked. Interesting article:</p>
<p>I don’t want to overstate this . . . Plenty of people play WOW and other games in moderation and it’s not like logging in will instantly turn you into a 12-hours-a-day game zombie. I play video games in moderation myself. But when someone is looking for an escape, the virtual world can be perhaps too convenient to hide in.</p>
<p>"perhaps the insulin levels are not under control and the mood swings go with it… "</p>
<p>No.</p>
<p>“Rapid weight gain is just as concerning as rapid weight loss.” </p>
<p>I am under the impression that regaining recently lost weight is fairly common.</p>
<p>“…but we can at 17 have him taken in for a psych exam…trust me, we have a very close family friend who is an attorney-- I talked to him about my options.”</p>
<p>By “taken in”, do you mean picked up by the police and/or hospitalized ? Not based on what you have said here. You might want to check your mental health benefits if you want to pursue a “voluntary admission”.</p>
<p>Wish I had advice but I think your therapist is the best source for that. But “adjustment disorder” sounds pretty rational to me.</p>
<p>An adjustment disorder is used when there are clinical symptoms that are connected to a psychosocial stressor. Anyhow, here are a few thoughts/questions. What do his teachers say is going on? Is he turning in work? What have they specifically noticed? A friend of mine had a kid who bottomed out academically one semester after a girl broke up with him. Then he bounced back. But in that instance, the parents communicated with the teachers which helped them to figure out what was going on. So I’d find out what’s going on, what they are noticing, etc. His rage may be about having a drop in grades, the girl not going out with him, or his having received a diagnosis that is life changing and permanent. Even if he is doing well, it changes how you see yourself to have a serious illness of any sort, and it is especially hard on young people. Sometimes a chronic illness makes you lose faith in your body and your self, there can be a feeling of “why is everyone around me healthy and I’m not?.” Some kids adjust very easily, some don’t. Some years ago, I knew a brilliant kid who started failing towards the end of high school. The family finally uncovered that he was afraid of having to leave home. He started failing so he wouldn’t be able to leave because colleges wouldn’t take him. I’m not suggesting that any of these scenarios are the case – just some thoughts. Only you can know if any of them resonate.</p>