Please just take 1 min of your valuable time to read this

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Just give me a quick score/ impression. If you are busy, no need for any analysis. Just a quick number. Please thank you. </p>

<p>Prompt : Do people achieve more success through competition or cooperation?</p>

<p>There is much controversy over the issue of competition versus cooperation. On the one hand, many people may feel that competition as the only way to achieve success; on the other hand, others might think that cooperation actually drives people to achieve success. The choice nevertheless, is not easy to make. A combination of cooperation and competition is needed to succeed. In the following discussion, I would like to reason and provide evidence to validate the statement. </p>

<p>In the first place, the important reason in support of my view is that ten minds are greater than one. To illustrate this point, there is an example that is very persuasive: in my math class, we always worked in groups to solve a difficult question. There was an extremely difficult question involving parabola. Alone, no one in my class could solve it. But when we worked in groups of four, we were able to interpret the question much more clearly and solve the problem. One group member’s remark gave me inspiration and I thought about the problem in a different light. By exchanging ideas and thoughts, we successfully completed our assignment. There is no better example than this to demonstrate the strength of this point.</p>

<p>Secondly, competition drives people to get better. When Kobe Bryant was in high school, he was deemed the best player in nation because the competition at the high school level was quite low. So during his stay at his high school, he was not motivated to develop the fundamentals of his game. Instead he just relied on his size and athleticism. But when Kobe entered the NBA, everything changed. The competition became harder and Kobe went from the superstar on his team to just a role player. But Kobe didn’t let the strong competition to intimidate him, he used it as a motivation to get better. He started to go to the weight room to get stronger; he started to go to the gym to work on his shots; and he started to go to the tracks to work on his explosiveness. If you see the change in attitude in Kobe after he entered the NBA, you understand that competition drives people to get better in order to succeed.</p>

<p>To sum up, given the examples discussed above, which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that cooperation and competition together drive a person to succeed. </p>

<p>P.S. i got 6 on my essay last time i took SAT, -_-</p>

2

<p>Your introduction is very weak.
Don't use "I" unless its in a personal example.</p>

<p>Even though personal examples are allowed, I would steer clear from those. Use history/literature examples. </p>

<p>this deserves a 6.</p>

3

<p>Would current events be ok?</p>

<p>Example: Boeing competing with Lockheed Martin for government contracts</p>

4

<p>^From what I hear, literary and history examples are the best.</p>

5

<p>I guess you could bring up war vs. peace</p>

6

<p>I believe you should just take one side. It is harder to qualify both sides.</p>

7

<p>I would use the ROSE strategy that they ask you to use at the bottom of the prompts. "Use examples to support your position from you Readings, Observations, Studies, and Experiences.</p>

<p>A personal example like yours is fine, but also use a historical and a Literary example.</p>

<p>I would, like junshik said, try to "prove" on one side and just concede that the other side can offer some validity, although I have seen some really good papers that can argue both without sounding soft.</p>

8

<p>so basically this essay kind of sucked and can only score 6 out of 12? (don't be afraid to be frank) So a essay like this will only score 6 in total right?</p>

9

<p>I would give this essay a 6 or 7.
In the future, you should try to choose instead of combining answers.
This just makes you look indecisive.
Try not to overthink this essay prompt.
Your writing style is not that great, so it will not carry your score.
As for your topics, I think they are fine.
It is important to use concrete examples.</p>

<p>I got a 12 on my essay.</p>

10

<p>Your "voice" sounds really artificial. Try to smooth it out and put more of your own style into it.</p>

<p>Ex: "One group member’s remark gave me inspiration" say inspired me
"which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive" ***? where did that phrase come from?</p>

<p>And try to avoid saying any form of "in the following I will tell you" or "as I stated above" Try to write in 3rd person if possible.</p>

<p>And finally, ** don't be a fence-sitter **. Even if you have examples for both sides, stick to the side with the stronger points.</p>

<p>Also, read steamedrice's thread for more help : <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/565800-steamedrice-s-essay-scoring-feedback-thread.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/565800-steamedrice-s-essay-scoring-feedback-thread.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>He gives amazing advice.</p>

11

<p>Did i improve? I just wrote another one. </p>

<p>Prompt: Is censorship sometimes justified?
Censorship is justified as there is a lot of censoring sexual and gory contents on the television. The First Amendment forbids the State to control what a man can watch and read. But that does not mean that the State shouldn’t shield the young children from the inappropriate stuff on TV. I say it is the government’s responsibility to censor certain materials on television, the most popular medium that is watched by millions, including millions of children, everyday.
Children should not be exposed to adult materials at a young age. It’s not good for their developments. If the government does not take action, who will? It’s not like a disclaimer that says, “The following contains mature them unsuitable for younger audiences” is going to persuade the children watching to change the channel. Ironically, it will actually encourage them to keep watching because it arouses their curiosities. Also, there is no reason for a broadcaster to broadcast porn. If any adult wants to see it, he can just go to a store and rent a movie. The government is not controlling what a person can see if it censors sexual contents on TV; it is only protecting its children.
To addition to sexual contents, gory contents need to be blocked as well. For some reasons, TV shows, especially vampire ones, are getting very explicit in showing blood and fresh nowadays. Now this kind of shows can actually be harmful to a young child’s mind. In most cases, the child will have trouble sleeping at night because of the disturbing images he saw. Take the movie Blade Trinity, for example. The mutant vampires showed in that movie are so disturbing that even I, a 16 years old teen, have to turn my eyes away during some of the scenes. In worst case, the child is likely to become sadistic because he sees so much blood and killing. The government needs to protect the children from the gory contents.
Certain materials, if played on television for all to see, will negatively impact the mental well-being of children. That’s why the government needs to censor those inappropriate contents to make television a safe environment for the kids.</p>

12

<p>Make sure that you fully answer the question being asked. </p>

<p>I would have written the thesis as "Because of increasing levels of graphic violence and sexual content in TV programs, I believe that censorship of certain programs is completely justified."</p>

<p>You need to use BETTER EXAMPLES!!! All that is in this essay are generalities. Site specific shows (remember specific is terrific) and why they were censored. Try to use literary or historical examples when possible.</p>

<p>I like that your topic is very narrow - censorship in television. Your voice has also improved, so good job there. Excellent job on fighting for one side :)</p>

<p>I would give this about the same grade 6-7 as the last one, because of lack of concrete examples.</p>

<p>EDIT: "the child is likely to become sadistic because he sees so much blood and killing." How can you prove this?</p>

13

<p>so i need a specific thesis, and more concrete examples, if i do that, i'll be able to score a 8- 9 right?</p>

<p>P.S. the organization and the flow do not have any problem right?</p>

14

<p>Never ever ever ever ever ever ever never never ever never ever never sit on the fence. Pick a side and stick to it.</p>

15

<p>Remember no one likes a writer without a backbone.</p>

16

<p>^I don't like you without a backbone.</p>

17

<p>I decided to grow a backbone, lol. Check it out. I feel that it's good enough for a 8 to 9. What do u guys think?</p>

<p>Prompt: What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>Some believe that outside pressures can motivatte a person to change. However, all of our motivation comes from within. Our love for a particular thing or someone motivates us to improve and change our bad habits. This is evidenced by Michael Phelps’ childhood experiences and Bernard Sampson’s behaviour n the classic “Spy Hook”.</p>

<p>When we watched as Michael Phelps shattered record after record, we assumed that Michael was born to be a world class athlete. But he weren’t, Michael was born with ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. Because of his ADD, he could not focus on anything as he kept switching from his focus from one thing to another. But after Michael found his passion for swimming, everything changed. He became much more focused, because he was motivated to swim faster. Sometimes, he would spend hours examing videos of his movements so that he could perfect them. His love for swimming motivated him to sharpen his focus. </p>

<p>In “Spy Hook” Bernadn was a hard-drinking worker for British Intelligence and a family man. One day, his wife left him and disappeared. After losing his wife, Bernard realized how much he loved his wife and kids and how much he missed her. Determined to always be there for his kids and be a good father, he started to cut down on the hard alcohol and cigars he consumed daily and started to spend more time with his kids instead of with his buddies at a bar. Before, he usually left the kids to their granny while he visited his friends’ houses for a drink or two. But now he took them on small field trips whenever he can to spend time with them. His love for his family changed him and motivated him to get rid of all his bad habits.</p>

<p>It is evident that people are motivated to change by their love for something or someone. Phelps was motivated by his love for swimming; Berand by his love for his family. Motivation must come from within.</p>

18

<p>You're slowly improving. That's good :)</p>

<p>The thesis in this one is much better, and so are the examples. I guess Phelps can be considered "historical." ;)</p>

<p>** First Paragraph**
"But he weren’t, Michael was born with ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder."
"Weren't" should be "wasn't", and I don't think that this is a good sentence. Instead of starting with "But", use "However" and it improves some.</p>

<p>The Phelps paragraph uses the word "focus" enough to give me ADD :D Try not to repeat the same word over and over. Make sure to tie the example directly to your thesis- "His love for swimming motivated him to sharpen his focus." is a little weak there. </p>

<p>Is ADD really a "bad habit"? Maybe you should change the thesis slightly to accomodate this. </p>

<p>"Because of his ADD, he could not focus on anything as he kept switching from his focus from one thing to another." Once again, I don't like this sentence. It repeats the same information twice. Maybe rewrite it as " Because of his ADD, he could not focus for more than a few minutes (hours? I don't know) on anything, including ________ (fill in examples)________ .</p>

<p>The flow is much better, also.</p>

<p>** Second Paragraph **</p>

<p>I would have combined "One day, his wife left him and disappeared. After losing his wife, Bernard realized how much he loved his wife and kids and how much he missed her." into " One day, his wife left him and disappeared, forcing Bernard to realize how much he loved her and their children." Try to avoid excessive wordiness.</p>

<p>Maybe describe a little bit of his "before" lifestyle?</p>

<p>Also combine " Before, he usually left the kids to their granny while he visited his friends’ houses for a drink or two. But now he took them on small field trips whenever he can to spend time with them." to " Instead of leaving his kids at their grandma's while he drank with friends, he started to take them on small field trips whenever he could to spend time with them." </p>

<p>The flow here is a little stilted.</p>

<p>** Overall **</p>

<p>Keep writing essays. As you get used to it, you'll get much better.</p>

<p>Also try to stay in one verb tense thought the essay. In the second paragraph, you switch from past to present ( took, left, changed, missed ---> can?)</p>

19

<p>thanks book worm, your analysis is great. But please add a score as welll (just for my confidence) Anyways i wrote another. check it out.</p>

<p>Prompt: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>Some people like to believe that technology makes our lives easier and better. However, in reality, all the technological innovations do not improve our lives. Technology makes us feel rushed and we have adopted the relentless pace of the machines and have also become more machine-like. This is evident in the life of a typical white-collar worker and a typical teenager.</p>

<p>A while back, the show “60 Minutes” did a special presentation on how technology affects the lives of white-collar workers. Nowadays, devices like blackberry and wireless laptop allow us to stay in touch with our work. Of all the businessmen interviewed during the show, most admitted that they slept less than 5 hours a day and constantly woke up during the middle of the night to check their emails. Surprising, most of them ben bragged about how they usually wake up 3 in the morning to work on their laptops. Were they really that busy that they needed to work 24/7? Of course not. It’s just that they had become slaves to the technology.</p>

<p>Most teenagers now have person computers and cell phones. Instead of talking, most teens prefer to text using their cells or use instant messaging on the computer. This practice not only is bad their people skills, as teens are out of practice with talking like a real human being with proper grammar and start to use phrases like “g2g”, but also for their physical health as well. More and more teens are wearing contacts or glasses from looking at a electronic screen all day long. Even more are developing hunched backs from hunching over the keyboard all day. Teenagers’ lives are no improved by technology.</p>

<p>We have adopted a relentless pace in our lives and lost some of our peoples skills thanks to technological gadgets. This showed that technology don not necessary make our lives better.</p>

20

<p>You didn't address the "lives easier" part of the question in your thesis or examples. Both examples focus on the "not necessarily make them better" part.</p>

<p>Lots of grammar mistakes also. I'm guessing you were in a hurry when writing this.</p>

<p>Your thesis also uses the word "and" twice. Instead of doing that, you should have used commas, like "Technology makes us feel rushed, adopt the relentless pace of the machines, and become more machine-like." You also never used anything to elaborate on "become more machine-like" in the examples. Everything in your thesis must tie directly to the essay.</p>

<p>Your style is still improving. Your writing is becoming much more natural.</p>

<p>Because you only answered half of the prompt and had bad grammar, I would give this a 6-7.</p>