Please mark/comment on my essay. Pt II

Test Preparation
1

<p>i'm not sure if i should post all my essays in one topic, since it can get pretty jammed and confusing. if you guys prefer these in 1 topic, plz tell me. </p>

<ul>
<li>again with this essay, i have 2 long paragraphs instead of 3. it still took up the whole 2 pages, tho. Also, is it wise to start off the essay with "I", only not to use it again? and is it a weak first sentence to simply, comment on the quote?</li>
</ul>

<p>Topic: Do changes that make our lives easier to live not necessarily make our lives better? (cough, paraphrased from a blue book)</p>

<p>I agree completely with Karen Finuan. Although technological innovations in the past century has greatly simplified our lives, these innovations may not actually be altogether beneficial. Inventions such as food food, and online banking are part of the North American lifestyle; however, when examined carefully, these seemingly miracle inventions may not be worth the time they save. </p>

<p>Since its founding in the 40's, Mc Donald's has spread fast food across the world. It is acclaimed for its accessibility and expediency. One cannot deny these two positive attributes. With a Mc Donald's always just down the street, one has constant access to food. However, this is where the problem comes in; Mc Donald's and other fast food restaurants don't take health into consideration. One average fast food meal can contain up to 1500 calories; the recommanded calorie intake for one day is 2000. Fast food also contain hydrogenated oil, which can clot arteries, and has a lack of vegetables. Sure Mc Donald's makes food easier to access, but is it healthy food? Besides the food industry, the technological sector also shows this notion. </p>

<p>Computers are arguably one of the most important inventions in history. Today, along with the internet, computers have become an integral part of almost every North American household. The biggest uses for this technology includes shopping, searching for information, and banking. The ability to do these tasks online saves the consumer much time; however, it also puts the consumer in danger of cyber theft. Theft through the internet has been at an all-time high in recent years. This is because of the prevalence of computers and online finan ce. Hackers, spammers, and virus creators can seek victim's personal information, such as credit card numbers and social security numbers using the internet. Armed with these information, they can easily steal money from the victim's online banking account, or even worst, assume their identity all together. Either one of these two acts can ruin a person's life, and all because he or she wanted to save a few minutes by handling his or her finance online. Sure its fast, but it is definately not completely safe. </p>

<p>Fast food restaurants and online banking have made many mundane tasks simpler, more accessible, and simply faster. However, the damages and dangers they put the user through does not justify their positive attributes.</p>

2

<h2>For the most part, this seems like a good essay. I've made some edits (some spelling, some vocabulary/sentence organization)</h2>

<h2>I completely agree with Karen Finuan. Although technological innovations in the past century have greatly simplified our lives, these innovations may not actually be altogether beneficial. Inventions such as fast food, and online banking are part of the North American lifestyle; however, when examined carefully, these seemingly miracle inventions may not be worth the time they save. </h2>

<h2>Good intro in my opinion. It's very clear what you will be discussing in the body. "Be altogether beneficial" seems sort of awkward to me. Maybe omit the "altogether"?</h2>

<h2>Since its founding in the 40's, McDonald's has spread fast food across the world. It is acclaimed for its accessibility and expediency. One cannot deny these two positive attributes. With a McDonald's always just down the street, one has constant access to food. This, however, is where the problem comes in. McDonald's, as well as other fast food restaurants, don't take health into consideration. One average fast food meal contains up to 1500 calories; the recommended calorie intake for one day is 2000. Fast food also contains hydrogenated oil–which can clot arteries–and has a lack of vegetables. Sure McDonald's makes food easier to access, but is it healthy food? Besides the food industry, the technological sector also shows this notion. </h2>

<h2>With your last sentence, which notion are you referring to? It's just a little unclear because in the sentence right before you're talking about whether the food is healthy. </h2>

<h2>Computers are arguably one of the most important inventions in history. Today, along with the Internet, computers have become an integral part of almost every North American household. The biggest uses for this technology include shopping, searching for information, and banking. The ability to do these tasks online saves the consumer much time; however, it also puts the consumer in danger of cyber theft. Theft through the Internet has been at an all-time high in recent years. This is because of the prevalence of computers and online finance. Hackers, spammers, and virus creators can seek victim's personal information, such as credit card numbers and social security numbers using the Internet. Armed with these pieces of information, they can easily steal money from the victim's online banking account, or even worst, assume their identity all together. Either one of these acts can ruin a person's life, and all because he or she wanted to save a few minutes by handling his or her finance online. Sure it's fast, but it is definitely not completely safe. </h2>

<h2>Try using a different word/phrase to replace the "however" I underlined (just a nit-picky thing. There's really nothing wrong with it). Maybe "On the oter hand, ..." The sentence I underlined seems awkward to me. I'm not really sure about how to rephrase it though.</h2>

<h2>Fast food restaurants and online banking have made many mundane tasks simpler, more accessible, and simply faster. However, the damages and dangers they put the user through do not justify their positive attributes.</h2>

<p>No complaints about the conclusion. Summarizes everything without restating.</p>

3

<p>thx bud! nice comments</p>

<p>as for that sentence in the 3rd para: ya, i think it does sound weird with he/she/ his/her. I should've just used she</p>