Please rate my essay with no examples..thanks!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>A colleague of the great scientist James Watson remarked that Watson was always “lounging around, arguing about problems instead of doing experiments.” He concluded that “There is more than one way of doing good science.” It was Watson’s form of idleness, the scientist went on to say, that allowed him to solve “the greatest of all biological problems: the discovery of the structure of DNA.” It is a point worth remembering in a society overly concerned with efficiency.</p>

<p>Adapted from John C. Polanyi, “Understanding Discovery” </p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<h2>Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</h2>

<p>Individualism is the key to so many success stories in our societies. Having the freedom to pursue our own goals in life allows us to follow our dreams and instincts, thereby increasing the opportunity for not only happiness but also fulfilment of our potential to achieve in life.
Can you just imagine a society where we would have to do exactly what we were told to do? Not only would this affect an individual's inner happiness, but also no doubt the world would not progress at the same rate that it has done since the changes made to our modern Earth and way of living. Thankfully, in Western society at least, we are nowadays mostly encouraged to be creative in our thoughts and actions, which has resulted in many great artists, scientists, business people and world leaders. For better or for worse, without these people and the influence they have had on so many aspects of our daily lives, the world would not be the place it is today.
Freedom in life can bring out either the worst or the best in us, depending on our desires. However, for those who can use the freedom in a creative and efficient way, people will shine. I believe, there is a hidden talent in all of us, just that most of us spend our whole life not finding it. The reason for this is mainly due to the fact that we are usually either not searching for it, not allowed the opportunity due to restriction or not supported in the necessary ways to find our inner creativity and thereby achieve what we are capable of. However, for those who we are often envious of possessing their dream job, these are the people who often achieve the most in life and make a difference. This clearly makes sense, as people are naturally going to put their heart and soul into something in which they have a passion for, and often success is not only down to intelligence and ingenuity, but also, of course, hard work. However, if you hate your work, you will naturally and understandably resent any extra time in which you have to put into a task.
From the moment we are born, we have to follow orders and very soon we begin to rebel against them. This is because we are instinctively happier when we are allowed to do things in our own chosen way and this will always bring out the best in people.</p>

2

<p>Most of the papers I see here (and elsewhere) are well written but lacking in focused content.</p>

<p>This one has the opposite problem.</p>

<p>With a little work, you could get to a five, even a six.</p>

<p>It’s very refreshing to see an essay that isn’t just a bunch of condensed Wikipedia entries.</p>

<p>Don’t take too much “free” advice. You’re on the right track.</p>

3

<p>I appreciate your advice! Can you give me a litlle more detail please to help me progress? So it’s a 4?
What can I specifically do to improve on this do you think to improve the ‘not well written’ essay?
Much appreciated</p>

4

<p>First, I should have been a little clearer:</p>

<p>This essay is NOT “not well written.”</p>

<p>It’s just that the main problems involve syntax, vocab, and grammar as opposed to content.</p>

<p>The paper is about ten times fresher and more original than most. </p>

<p>As for what to work on…</p>

<p>Take a look at this sentence:</p>

<p>Freedom in life can bring out either the worst or the best in us, depending on our desires.</p>

<p>The phrase “in life” doesn’t mean anything. You’re obviously talking about “life.”</p>

<p>It’s a similar deal with the word “people.” Check this out:</p>

<p>However, for those who can use the freedom in a creative and efficient way, people will shine.</p>

<p>We already know that you’re referring to people. How’s this…</p>

<p>However, those who can use freedom in a creative and efficient way will shine.</p>

<p>This brings up another word that adds nothing to your paper: “way.” Look at the next revision of this sentence;</p>

<p>However, those who can use freedom creativeLY and efficientLY will shine.</p>

<p>“Shine” is a little trite (I would have preferred a less “greeting card” type of word) but it’s a minor point.</p>

<p>There are some other little nits I could pick at, but I’ll address just one more for now: the word “you.” I am not the subject of your essay. Don’t use second-person pronouns unless you are writing about your reader.</p>

<p>Actually I’ll add one more thing that pertains to the previous point. At one point you say “I believe.” I know that you believe it; otherwise you wouldn’t be writing it. Plus, your name will be on the test so I know that it’s you who believes this.</p>

<p>Stay away from first-person pronouns unless you are writing about yourself.</p>

5

<p>Firstly, I really like the essay. It is both intriguing and refreshing.</p>

<p>But I would also give it a 4 - knocking off a couple of points for the following reasons:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>It would be great if you could include at least one example (even if it is one from personal experience). Whilst the points you make are excellent, the essay is very general - your statements refer to “people” and you have provided little evidence to substantiate your argument.</p></li>
<li><p>There are several grammatical errors. I will point out the following, main errors that haven’t already been mentioned: </p></li>
<li><p>“put their heart and soul into something in which they have a passion for” should be; “put their heart and soul into something THAT they have a passion for” </p></li>
<li><p>“However, for those who we are often envious of possessing their dream job, these are the people who often achieve the most in life and make a difference.” This sentence is grammatically wrong - I can’t think how to correct it though! </p></li>
<li><p>This is a minor, additional comment that may improve your writing. Avoid using extra words that are superfluous. For example “can you just imagine” should be “can you imagine”. “But also no doubt” should simply be “but no doubt”. This will make your writing sound less chatty and will also improve clarity.</p></li>
</ol>

6

<p>Basically, I am a little wordy in my writing and need to be more concise. Plus, putting one real example in might be a good idea too.??
Thank you
Any additional comments would be appreciated. I think I will try to edit my current version, to see if I can get a 5 or even a 6!</p>

7

<p>Aren’t we supposed to support our thesis with examples? That’s what TCB says. I am sorry it’d get a 4 at max.</p>

8

<p>

</p>

<p>Of course, BUT…</p>

<p>Most students (at least on this site) need to rethink the term “examples” and how to use them.</p>

9

<p>Dude what are you talking about?</p>

10

<p>Its not responsive to the prompt- “Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way?”</p>

<p>“dreams and instincts”, “happiness”, “fulfilment of our potential”- all not really germane. Are they accomplishing more or not? That is what you are supposed to be answering and proving via “reasoning and examples”. You are not on the prompt and you have no examples so this is a mess. </p>

<p>The logic I find unpersuasive too. “Can you just imagine a society where we would have to do exactly what we were told to do?” Mmmm not a convincing thought exercise- can you imagine a world where everyone did what they wanted to the exclusion of following any instructions or societal order? Sounds much worse. In fact, that sounds like people would accomplish a lot less. </p>

<p>“However, for those who we are often envious of possessing their dream job, these are the people who often achieve the most in life and make a difference.” Not convincing. First off you are never going to get promoted into a dream job, let alone retained in any sort of position if you take no instruction and do everything your own way. Secondly, even dream jobs have a component where you have to do part of it to please other people’s requirements. </p>

<p>I’d give you a mid-2 because you are off the prompt, the logic is loose and there are no examples.</p>

11

<p>I didn’t notice “more”. Basically, you should have given examples that PROVE that a person/organization achieved ‘X’ when he was not working his own way and ‘Y’ when he was working his own way. Then state that Y>X ( i.e Y is better than X) It’s a prompt in which you can’t think of good examples. So you better write a personal experience. But that is generally weaker… You can get a 10</p>

<p>One more thing you can do is write BS: make up examples from history/other genre( I don’t recommend this as this is against MY morals) and you can EASILY get a 12. Good luck :)</p>

12

<p>Nvm thought this was the ACT thread</p>

13

<p>When you mention creative business folk, leaders etc etc, it would do you good to substantiate with a couple of names e.g. Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs etc. You don’t have to describe how they’re creative haha but it offers more substance to your essay!</p>

14

<p>

</p>

<p>Under some conditions, what you say is correct.</p>

<p>Generally, though, there’s no need to drop names unless doing so adds to the effectiveness of the argument. Doing it for its own sake yields little or no benefit and it could do harm.</p>

15

<p>looks like the essay is copied from somewhere ??</p>

16

<p>

</p>

<p>That kind of permissive hippy thinking may cut it on the ACT, but this is the SAT, Mister. Would you talk about “perceiving” the Math section in “many different ways”?</p>

<p>From the SAT scoring rubric:
"
Score of 0</p>

<p>Essays not written on the essay assignment will receive a score of zero
"</p>

<p>They tell you to respond to the prompt. The tell you to use examples to prove a position. It seems foolish to ignore those directions.</p>

17

<p>Zeroes are extraordinarily rare. I’ve seen only a handful, and each was for either a blank paper or something that could in NO way have been interpreted as on-topic (tirades against the SAT itself, profanity-laced descriptions of teachers, things like that).</p>

<p>Anything that is even remotely connected to the topic will usually get at least a 2/6 unless the kid cannot write basic English.</p>