Please rate my SAT essay (will rate back)

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1

<p>Please grade my essay on a scale of 2-12: it's not great as I don't have much experience with this >.<. However, please show no mercy: I want all the criticism I can get, no matter how minor or critical it is.</p>

<p>Topic: Should people take more responsibility for solving problems that affect their communities, or should the government assume responsibility instead?</p>

<p>Essay</p>

<p>If it exists, the one possible universal opinion is that the world must improve - but we cannot wait for the government to act. The individual must strive to better his or her community instead of solely relying on the government. Yes, it is the authority's duty to assist the public, but in our societies it is essential for the individual to take responsibility. The ideology of the Party in 1984 by George Orwell and Gandhi, the Indian peacemaker, evince the necessity of the individual in improving our communities and our overall lives.</p>

<p>Since the dawn of organized human society, the power of the government versus the individual has been a ubiquituous conflict. Nowhere is this more pellucid than in 1984, by George Orwell. In 1984 the Party, the ruling body of Oceania, essentially used psycological control to maintain power and subdue individual thought. Personal opinion and the right to have a voice in the government were eliminated and illegalized - as shown by O'Brien's "brainwashing" of Winston (the main character) so his rebellious individual thoughts would be banished. Due to the installation of "thoughtcrime" regulations, the individual was incapable of influencing his/her community. With the government in complete control, human nature declined and history was deleted - allowing the world to become a dystopia. 1984 reveals the dire need for individual influence in society, for without it our very humanity is at stake.</p>

<p>However, individual influence is necessary for other components of society, such as peace - as displayed by Gandhi in the 20th century. Gandhi was an Indian peacemaker who spent the majority of his life attempting to eliminate violence and hatred across the world. He aided in restoring hope and happiness to a myriad of torn citizens. However, at the time the Indian government did little to stop wars, which resulted in uncontrollable conflicts. Without the reach of Gandhi, thousands of innocent people may have never been able to grasp a flicker of hope in a world shrouded in darkness. In conclusion, Gandhi reveals the utmost importance of the individual's influence, for we cannot solely rely on the government to bring peace to nations.</p>

<p>There are a mix of variegated forces working to stabilize the world's communities, but without one power - the power of the individual - success is impossible. 1984 and Gandhi reveal how we must strive to better our societies regardless of the government's position. Only then can we discover the true reward - the gift of peace and prosperity.</p>

2

<p>I’d give it a 9-10.
Your vocabulary is sometimes badly used at times. Do not use billion dollar words to impress. You don’t need them[I got a 12 on the essay with very very few, if any, of these]: only use them if you’re sure they’re the best, most reasonable representation of what you mean. You develop your thesis reasonably well- the prospect of individuality: I like your balance of two differing ideologies- one of what happens when the government becomes dominant, and one that represents the strength of individuality in opposition to the government. I still think your examples need a little more polish. For example, the thesis refers to the individual’s role in solving problems, but your Orwell paragraph rarely refers to the problems[or, if the problem is the government, perhaps you could explain the distinction/irony a little better]. Your grammar is somewhat undeveloped or slightly awkward; you sometimes use the wrong preposition and so on. </p>

<p>You’d get a 4/5 or a 5/5, based on these factors off the official rubric.
An essay in this category demonstrates reasonably consistent mastery-(5)
-develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates competent critical thinking, using adequate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position(4)
-is well organized and focused, demonstrating coherence and progression of ideas(5)
-exhibits adequate but inconsistent facility in the use of language, using generally appropriate vocabulary(4)
-demonstrates variety in sentence structure(5)
-has some errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics(4)</p>

3

<p>I’d give this a 5 or 6 (on a 6 point scale). It’s hard for me to rate on a 12 point scale, since I don’t know what another grader would do.</p>

<p>Strengths:</p>

<p>+Strong thesis
+Good job linking your examples back to thesis
+Good grammar and syntax
+Strong, flowing argument</p>

<p>Weaknesses:</p>

<p>-Looks a bit short. If you wrote this on the 2 official SAT essay sheets, how much of the 2 pages did you fill?
-Diction is a bit flawed, especially with high-level vocabulary.
-Your support for examples is good. You do a pretty good job showing how government influence is bad in the 1984 example and how individual influence is good with Gandhi. However, I felt that you could make more of a distinction between good individual/bad government in both examples. Make a mention of how Winston’s “rebellious” thoughts were actually for the benefit of the people. Use the “While India’s government…Gandhi…” construction to make a very strong juxtaposition and contrast in the second example.</p>

<p>Great essay overall!</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the replies. Yes it was 2 pages on the official essay sheets, though my writing is somewhat large.</p>

<p>I agree that I should have tried to direct the first example towards the thesis (Pi’s idea seems good). Sometimes I get too caught up in introducing an example that I forget to relate it to what I’m arguing for. I guess I became a bit “desperate” for high level vocab because I thought it would be an easy way to bump up my score…but what exactly is wrong with my use of vocab/diction?</p>

5

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<p>I felt that a couple of “big” words were used a tad bit awkwardly. For example, “myriad” in the Gandhi paragraph and “variegated” in the conclusion felt a bit out of place. Not sure if most essay readers would catch that, though. I’d bet that most would just bump up your score for knowing those words.</p>

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<p>It actually is. Don’t hesitate to use a big word, even if it does feel a bit out of place. But, a big word is extra powerful if it’s used perfectly in context.</p>

6

<p>Hey Pi, how do you post quotes?</p>

<p>“It actually is. Don’t hesitate to use a big word, even if it does feel a bit out of place. But, a big word is extra powerful if it’s used perfectly in context.”</p>

<p>Yes, advanced, sophisticated vocabulary will get you a higher score, but the way you used them, as Pi pointed out, is a bit awkward. I tend to be a harsher judge than most. Don’t take the vocab issue too seriously.</p>

7

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<p>3.141592653</p>