please read my college admissions essay

Applying to College
1

<p>topic: Person that has had an influence on you. Describe that influence.</p>

<p>He would sit in his old rattan chair admiring the view from his balcony. The scent of Marlboros and Suave made me smile. I kissed his hand and hugged him, he smiled and asked me how my day went. I told him about the student government meeting and about my upcoming exam, He then said “Pagtarong bya jud ug skwela ha. Bilib bya ko sa imong abilidad.” (Do well in your studies. I believe in your abilities.). I smiled.</p>

<pre><code>Little did I know that that would be our last “real” conversation. The next time I saw him, he was in the hospital bed, lying down-helpless. I took his hand and held on to him, he couldnt’t talk- he squeezed my hand and as he did tears started streaming from my cheek. The doctor told us he would not stay long. I was hysterical. So many questions were running thru my head, I asked the Lord “How could you do this to me? He is very important to me?”.

He was my all around guy. He helped me out in anything and everything. He was my inspiration. His love for our country influenced me so much in so many ways. He is the reason why I got very interested in making a difference. He is the reason why I want things to change for the better. He inspired me to do well in class and urged me to run for student government. He supported me every step of the way and believed in me to no end.

His death affected me so much. Days after he passed away, I couldnt bring myself to eat. I still couldnt believe that he left me to soon. I locked myself in my room and began to write. Everything kept flowing- writing became my release. Throught time, I realized that he didn’t leave me at all for he was in my heart forever and nothing could change that. His influence in me stayed even though he wasn’t there anymore. He made me a better person. He was a disciplinarian, the man of my dreams, my reason, my grandfather.
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<p>*I am not very confident about this essay. Please critique it as best you can. Did I answer the question? What is lacking? What shouldn't be in the essay? Thank you so much for your time.</p>

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<p>please. please. please. </p>

<p>please take time to read my essay. i really need it.</p>

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<p>hi kcgal08,
You may want to know it's unwise to post your application essays on this forum. Someone may copy your idea and even your whole essay. If you want people to edit it, why not PM? Anyway, i think you did a good job if this is the first draft. Your essay is very very emotional. However, you should care a little about spelling, we don't use "couldnt't" and "thru" in this kind of writing ("could not" and "through" are better options). And the third paragraph is quite unclear. You may put sth more concrete there instead of merely general statements. Making a difference and changing for the better are cliche. How did your grandpa persuade you to run for student gov? Why do you mention his "love for our country" (patriotism??)? And who is the Lord btw?</p>