Please review my attached SOP

Graduate School
1

Hello. Please help me proof my SOP.
About me:

-Applying to transfer from the civil engineering program to the industrial engineering program; I am already a graduate student at the university in question.

-I asked the former director of graduate studies if I should address my getting NPs in 2 classes I took on a pass/no pass basis–she said it is worth commenting on. For all those unaware, pass/no pass is where you take a class like any other student but get a “pass” if you get a D- or better and get a “no pass” if you get an F. They are not counted in your gpa regardless of whether you pass or not. I had no intention of doing the work for these classes; I just wanted to audit them and have my mgi bill benefits pay the tuition.

*******************SOP STARTS HERE********************************"
I read an article about the nascency of the field of operations research (OR). During WWII the allies were losing bombers and accompanying crew at an alarming rate. Early OR professionals arrived at the counter-intuitive decision to reinforce undamaged areas of bombers that returned to their bases instead of damaged areas. Their rationale was bombers that sustained damage at areas returning bombers did not experienced catastrophic failure and were lost. This type of unorthodox practical thinking intrigued me.

OR’s coupling of the two subjects I enjoy the most—computer programming and mathematics—is why I want to obtain a graduate degree in OR. My undergraduate degree in mathematics and numerous computer programming courses are ideal preparation for a career in OR. Once I complete the MEng in Industrial Engineering: Operations Research concentration, I hope to apply my degree improving efficiency and business processes within the federal government.

I appreciate the practicality of OR. No area of OR better exemplifies this utility than linear programming (LP). After conducting independent study to refine my grasp of the simplex method, I hope to continue on to integer programming. The application of linear programming to the allocation of military assets is an area I would also like to study further. Linear programming’s application to finance and insurance are also of interest to me. I’ve seen LP used to discover arbitrage opportunities in the currency exchange market. I would like to study ways OR can be used to exploit opportunities for financial gain in other segments of finance. Actuarial science is also of interest to me; LP’s application to investment vehicle selection and desired returns in the context of pensions is an area I would like to explore.

ISU is the ideal place for me to study OR. The presence of a large statistics department will allow me to tailor my degree to my desired career path. Data mining and reliability are two subjects I am interested in and hope to incorporate into my degree. The course offerings within the industrial engineering and statistics departments will allow me to graduate prepared to solve real world problems. I look forward to taking course work in data mining, integer programming, and scheduling.

My 2.86 ISU GPA may be a point of concern when making your admission decision. This blemish is mainly due to academic fatigue and a reluctance to abandon a field of study due to prior investment of time and money. Having taken the spring 2014 semester off to reevaluate and reenergize, I am prepared to continue my studies and graduate as soon as possible. My military college benefits will not pay for me to audit a class. If I want to take a class for familiarity and have my veterans benefits pay for it, I must take it P/NP. This approach allows for exploratory learning without the burdens of time and effort. This is my way of auditing and the NP is expected and not cause for concern.

Unlike most of the applicants for your MEng program, I am not an unknown quantity. I have taken two industrial engineering graduate courses—linear programming and stochastic processes—and received a B+ and a B respectively. After I excel in the graduate courses I am taking this semester, I will have only three courses remaining to complete my MEng; all of which I plan on taking during the fall 2015 semester. I would love to end my formal education and complete my MEng at ISU. If given the opportunity, I will avail myself of it and not disappoint."

*****END OF SOP

2

Quite frankly, this statement does you no favors. It does not make you look like an attractive candidate to the program, and if you have to compete with other students on the same level playing field, you look mediocre.

The biggest problem is that second to last paragraph. “Academic fatigue” is not a good reason to have a 2.86 in a master’s program (where a B is often an indication that your performance is not up to snuff); reading between the lines, it sounds like you simply became bored with your field of study and are using that as an excuse for poor performance. The second half is even worse; you are handwaving what is essentially an F (“no pass”). It doesn’t matter to the department why you decided to take a class for credit instead of auditing it; the fact is that you did take it for credit, but you didn’t do work that even rose to the D level. You stating that the NP is not a cause for concern makes me even more concerned about it, because it reinforces the idea that you think that as long as you deem a class as unimportant or uninteresting, you can do below-par work.

If you have professors supporting your application by writing you recommendations, I would drop this paragraph altogether and have them address your low GPA in their letter. It will sound much better and more credible coming from them.

Another symptom here is that you took classes and got a B and a B+. Quite frankly, that’s not impressive. I don’t know how Iowa State’s master’s program operates but in most, an A and a B are the only two acceptable grades, and a B is not that great.

The second biggest problem is that you seem to imply that your priority is graduating quickly. You said that you’re “prepared to continue…and graduate as soon as possible.” You also state that you only have three courses to take in Fall 2015. My wonder would be why you are even applying to the program at all. I’m skeptical of the idea that you can transfer from one master’s program to the other and only spend one semester in it before you graduate, so I would double-check that that’s possible. But you saying that you want to end your formal education does not give me a vote of confidence in your seriousness of purpose and dedication to the academic enterprise. I wouldn’t want a student who implied that his goal is to get through the program as quickly as possible (even if that were true - you just don’t convey it in a statement!)

The third overarching issue is that you sound like you don’t really know what you want. All in one paragraph, you say that you are interested in the application of OR to military assets, to finance and insurance, to other sections of finance, and to actuarial science. I think you need to select 1-2 broad areas and discuss in some depth what your interests are in that particular area. You should also briefly discuss concrete career goals. You say that you love OR because it’s so practical - okay, so what do you want to do with it? You have a short sentences saying that you want to work with the feds, basically, but it’s very vague - not specific enough.

I would also say it’s not a good idea to say that one of the reasons you want to go to a school is because of the resources in another department. (I do realize that they are related, but still.)

I would also get rid of the entire first paragraph. It has nothing to do with you and adds nothing to the statement. A far better anecdote (should you desire to include one) would be a personal one in which you solved some kind of problem and realized that you really loved solving the kinds of problems that OR tackles.

Beyond all of that, it’s just bland. It doesn’t convey any excitement or specific interest, and it really doesn’t say why ISU is a good choice for you. What’s unique about ISU? Lots of schools have large statistics departments. Are there centers or special certificates or faculty or resources or something that set it apart? Why do you want to go there, other than the fact that you are already there?

3

Thanks Juillet for your feedback.

4

Below are the new first three paragraphs of my SOP. My career goals involve the federal govt(DOD) and hopefully I did a better job with the details.

START
Operations Research’s (OR) coupling of the two subjects I enjoy the most—computer programming and mathematics—is why I want to obtain a graduate degree in OR. With my degree in mathematics and computer programming knowledge, I am well prepared for a career in OR. Once I complete the MEng in Industrial Engineering: Operations Research concentration, I hope to apply my degree improving efficiency and business processes within the federal government—specifically the Department of Defense (DOD).

I appreciate the practicality of OR.  No area of OR better exemplifies this utility than linear programming (LP). After conducting independent study to refine my grasp of the simplex method, I hope to continue on to integer programming. The application of linear programming to the allocation of military assets is an area I would like to study further. Linear programming’s application to finance and insurance are also of interest to me. I’ve seen LP used to discover arbitrage opportunities in the currency exchange market. I would like to study ways OR can be used to exploit opportunities for financial gain in other segments of finance. Actuarial science is also of interest to me. Alternatively, within the DOD’s Office of the Actuary, I would like to apply LP to help with investment vehicle selection and the attainment of requisite returns in the context of pensions.

Simulation modeling is an area I envision having many applications to the field of military science. The most impactful application of simulation in the military is to improvised explosive device (IED) location simulation and projectile impact location simulation. Newer armored vehicles and individual protective gear issued to soldiers has additional armor in areas—if hit—would lead to catastrophic failure. I would like to apply data mining and simulation modeling to see if this entire process could be made more effective.

END

5

Much better.

6

I must include something about my grades. This is my rework of that paragraph. Is it more palatable?

“My 2.86 ISU GPA may be a point of concern when making your admission decision. This blemish is mainly due to my reluctance to change degree programs due to prior investment of time and money. My GPA is 3.1 if you discount the single civil engineering course I took my first semester at ISU. Having taken the spring 2014 semester off to introspect, I have a renewed resolve to complete my graduate degree. My military college benefits will not pay for me to audit a class. If I want to take a class for familiarity and have my veterans benefits pay for it, I must take it P/NP. This approach allows for exploratory learning without the burdens of time and effort. This is my way of auditing and the NP is expected.”

7

It’s better in relation to the first one, but it’s still not flattering to you.

-The first sentence is a non-explanation. The fact that you didn’t want to change programs doesn’t explain why you have a 2.86. Had I not read your first explanation, I’d be confused. Reading between the lines, it still seems that you weren’t doing well and didn’t know when to quit, which doesn’t look good.

-The military benefits explanation still doesn’t make sense, at least from my perspective. The logical response to your conundrum would be either 1) don’t take the class at all; 2) pay out of pocket to audit the class; 3) ask the professor if you can sit in on the class; or, failing those things, 4) take the class for credit at at least do D work so you can get the P. It doesn’t take much effort at all to do D work and get the P, and the beautiful thing about P/NP classes it that nobody knows whether you did D work or A work. All they see is a P. For a graduate class, you probably didn’t even really need to do homework to get a D; you could’ve probably just taken the exams or something.

Instead, basically, you are telling people that you wanted to audit a class but you didn’t want to pay out of pocket to audit it, so instead you took the class for credit and decided not to do any work. The sentence “This approach allows for exploratory learning without the burdens of time and effort” sounds even worse, because it makes it sound like either 1) you think that the assignments given in class were too much of a burden to complete, which sounds bad; or 2) you think that the assignments given in class are unrelated to your learning in the class, which sounds potentially worse. For some professors the explanation that you were trying to audit the class may satisfy them; but others will react the same way I did, which was “He took a class P/NP and couldn’t even do D work?”

The problem isn’t just the NP, though. It’s that combined with the fact that you have a 2.86. Alone, one NP wouldn’t make a big deal especially when explained this way. Combined, it creates an unflattering picture of you.

My personal recommendation is that - if you insist on addressing the GPA yourself, rather than having a trusted advisor do it for you - that you turn the paragraph around to focus on the positive and drop the last part completely. Something like:

Although my cumulative GPA may be a point of concern, this does not reflect my intellectual abilities. Once I discovered my passion for operations research, I excelled in these courses. I have a 3.1 in that area/my major/area of interest, and I expect that my performance will only become better as I transition into the area in which I am truly invested.

And then change the subject to something like why you want to go to ISU’s operations research program so that you end on a positive note.

I really don’t think there’s any positive way to spin the fact that you took a class for credit and din’t do any of the work. If you must, I really would include it in a supplemental essay or some place to include additional information, not in your main statement of purpose (which is supposed to function to present you in the best light possible). If that’s not possible, I would try as best as possible to cut that down to ONE sentence so that your shortcomings are not the focus of an entire paragraph, something like: “The one NP on my transcript is the result of auditing a for-credit class” or something neutral like that. If they want to know, you can explain further if they ask. (Don’t lie, obviously, but you can say something kind of vague-ish that gets at the truth without conveying all of the unnecessary information about how you didn’t want to pay etc etc.)