Please review this essay

Test Preparation
1

<p>So I just bought the rocket review book, and tried out the RocketScore thingy. Basically, you write an essay, and the program grades it for you. I haven't really practiced the writing, and I do not consider my self and amazing writer or anything, but surprisingly, the program gave me a score of 12. This felt very odd, and I hope someone can give me a better evaluation, or tell me if the essay is even 12 worthy.</p>

<p>The topic was:
"No progress is possible without sacrifice."</p>

<p>And I wrote:
"Progress is often impeded the human will to not give up what is his own. Though sometimes sacrifice is not needed to progress, often some type of sacrifice or loss of self gain is made to help the community as a whole succeed in progressing. This is supported by examples from my high school sports experiences, the sacrifices of the soldiers in World War Two, and by the sacrifice our parents make for us to help us succeed.</p>

<p>Playing football in high school has shown me that without personal sacrifice, your teams and your self will never progress in becoming better and succeeding. In sports, an individual must make personal sacrifices, weather it be taking the big hit, or sacrificing your own body to help the team. In football, I often had to make the blocks that no one wanted too, or had to do jobs that got no glory from the spectators, but it helped us win. This was due to the fact that when everyone made their own small sacrifices for the sake of everyone, then the whole team progressed. The small sacrifices that me and my team mates made for the team eventually helped us progress and succeed in the football season.</p>

<p>The soldiers of World War Two had to make sacrifices to help bring peace to the world, and to help the human race progress. When peace was being shattered by Nazi Germany, young, brave men went out to war to stop the oppression that was being created by Nazi Germany and Hitler. The soldiers sacrificed their youth. They sacrificed their arms, legs, eyes, and lives for the sake of peace, for the sake of humanity to progress. Without the sacrifice made by millions of young men and women who were soldiers, the world may have never came to peace and Hitler may have continued his oppressive regime in Germany. But with the sacrifices made by the soldiers of World War Two, Hitler's power was destroyed, and the world was able to progress.</p>

<p>The sacrifices that parents make to raise their children provide progression to the world. If couples did not make the sacrifice to dedicate many years of their lives to raising children, then the world would not progress, as new technological or medical advancements would not be made. The good will of people to raise offspring to help the world progresses mankind.</p>

<p>Every day worldly examples show how personal sacrifice makes progress. Without all of these sacrifices that we see in our every day lives, in history, and in the past and future, no progress could be made. The sacrifices that were made by our forefathers have helped us to reach the high technological and medical achievements of the twenty first century, and without these sacrifices made by soldiers and scientists, no progress would have been made. The sacrifice made made by everyone in history has brought us to where we are today, and without these sacrifices, we would not have progressed, and we may have just well be living in caves.
"</p>

<p>Tell me what you think, any criticism would be appreciated.</p>

2

<p>Oh yeah, the program told me that these were my faults:</p>

<p>Your sentences are generally too long, which may make your ideas difficult to follow. Consider breaking up longer sentences.</p>

<p>Your essay includes a high proportion of negative phrases or statements: in general, say what things “are” rather than what they “are not.”</p>

<p>At least two of your pronoun references are vague or ambiguous. A human SAT grader would find your ideas easier to follow if you reviewed your pronouns and made sure that each one referred to a specific noun.</p>

<p>Your essay would probably receive a higher grade if the organization of your ideas were more apparent from sentence to sentence and from paragraph to paragraph. Give your SAT readers more “signposts” to help them follow your arguments.</p>

3

<p>felt bad that not many responded to your essay. anyway this essay is borderline 6 but depending on reader's mood they can give you a 5. so on a 12 scale, I'd give it a 11. </p>

<p>considerations: instead of just interjecting that WWII thing in there try to have some relations between your topics. Your first and third topic is coherant but the transition is somewhat flawed. i know companies tell you to pick 3 examples and "write a fast food essay" but remember PEOPLE read these essays so if your essay it somewhat interesting or engaging and follows this structure you are pretty much set for a 6.</p>

<p>PS: By the way, you think you can actually fit all that on 2 pages in handwriting? conclusion looks a little bit too big might wanna consider have 2-3 sen in intro and conclusions and having the bulk of your info. in the detail aspect of your essay.</p>

<p>PEACE HOPE THAT HELPED.</p>

4

<p>Oh wow, thanks alot. I will try to write it down in the paper and see if it actually fits... it may actually be too long..</p>

5

<p>Ins't it necessary to put in examples from literature for a high score?</p>

6

<p>Well, there are some conflicting opinions. RocketReview says you should, while Grammatix says you shouldn't. What I am trying to do is think of lit/hist examples first, and if I can't, then i try thinking of truthfull personal examples. If I can't think of that either, I try making them up.</p>

7

<p>here look at this, if you actually take a closer look at this essay (one of my worst ones that I did get a 6 on (total 12)) you'll see that there are many false facts....try to analyze how I used examples from different places and the main TOPIC is tied into each example and restated again in the end. Hope it helps peace.</p>

<p>Merudh Patel – Test 4 – 25 min. essay – TOPIC: Is self-worth based on how much someone produces? Why or why not?</p>

<p>In my eyes, self-worth is proportional to how much something produces or contributes to society. As seen in the Upton Sinclair’s novel The Jungle, the self-worth of Jurgis, a hardworking immigrant, is put to the test when he is faced with the troubles of having to earn enough money to keep his family alive. Along with that, looking back in history, Henry Ford, the man who created the assembly line, proved his self-worth by fine streaming a method to produce more cars than his competitors. Finally, in our modern technology age, the creators of the Google, the internet’s most popular search engine, have undoubtedly proved that producing more coincides with greater self-worth (in this case – its popularity)</p>

<pre><code>In the early 1900s, Upton Sinclair authored a great example of the meaning of self-worth in his novel, The Jungle. In his story, he chronicles the “ups and downs” of an optimistic immigrant who has just arrived to America from his homeland, Lithuania. This man, Jurgis, learns that in order to gain a better status of self-worth in society he must earn more money. Towards the end of the book, although many of his family members die, he works hard in order to produce for the members that are left – thus gaining greater self-worth in the eyes of his family members.

Another fine example of how self-worth comes with the onset of producing more lies in history – the story of Henry Ford’s idea of the assembly line. Quite contrary to what many think, Henry Ford did not create the automobile. In fact, he bettered his self-worth in society and became rich by finding a way to produce more automobiles in record-breaking time. He revolutionized life in America with his assembly line method, which increased the production of cars and made them affordable to a majority of Americans at the time. Once again proving that greater production leads to higher self-worth (in Ford’s case, increased wealth, fame, and respect)

Finally, ten years ago, Billy Raymond and Jeff Kawoski created Google, a search engine that has evolved to produce the most amounts of results in the fastest amount of time. Its efficiency and usefulness has increased its worth (popularity) in the eyes of most internet surfers. Consequently, once again illustrating that an increase in worthiness follows greater productivity.

Taking a look at the successes of Jurgis, Henry Ford, and Google’s search engine, one can see that in order to attain a higher self-worth, one must first produce more. With this in mind, consider this: “Is it fair to give something a higher status without acknowledging whether or not it has increased in productivity?”
</code></pre>

8

<p>hope that helps</p>

9

<p>also unlike this essay...creativity in a structural sense is supposedly favored by the graders</p>

10

<p>I guess merudh123 is right, your essay is rather incoherent, your ideas are indeed very good but they dont actually fit in the context, and i guess you didnt completely stay within the subject framework.</p>

<p>I advise you that before you start writing your essay, you should make u a "coherency plan"; you clearly set forth the basic argumentation you think will be of relevance to the essay, then number them from most least to most important.... Then try develop your ideas as much as possible, while staying within your plan. In such cases i guess factual information would level-up ur essay. Your essay should be smooth sailing and the reader should not feel like he/she is reading different themes after changing paragraphs... Use word connectors/quotes to change context if you're forced to.</p>

<p>Well thats, wat i think...</p>

11

<p>On the whole, I think that the essay is too mechanical, making generalized statements far too often.</p>

<p>"Progress is often impeded the human will to not give up what is his own. Though sometimes sacrifice is not needed to progress, often some type of sacrifice or loss of self gain is made to help the community as a whole succeed in progressing. This is supported by examples from my high school sports experiences, the sacrifices of the soldiers in World War Two, and by the sacrifice our parents make for us to help us succeed."</p>

<p>I am not convinced that you are absolutely sure that progress does or does not require sacrifice. The first sentence confuses me a little; the second sentence establishes your uncertainty as to a concrete thesis. Is sacrifice required for progression, or is it only sometimes? The thesis that I could discern is mechanical. The one thing you do not want to do in an essay is to outline its content. It's not smooth. "This [premise] is supported by examples..." is far too obvious. The graders know that this is the point of an essay: a premise supported by examples. My suggestion would be to take some time out first to come up with a solid opinion. "Human transcendence has come about through...These occurrences are ubiquitous, exemplified in personal accomplishments such as my sports experiences, or on a larger scale, as with the self-sacrifice of warfare...," and so on. </p>

<p>Regarding the rest of the essay, a little diction goes a long way. The use of "sacrifice" and "progression" is used very freely, and allows you to regurgitate the prompt too much. The large percentage of your body paragraphs consist of generalizing statements that don't really convince me that you are able to defend your premise. "...then the whole team progressed." How did they progress? Did you win a championship? Expand on how acting as a contributing part of a whole, though comprising only a small part of it, is able to ensure its success. The experience of war is far too 'simplified' in your other body paragraph. "Millions of young men and women who were soliders" is superfluous. How did Hitler's downfall allow the world "to progress"? What is this progression: freedom from enslavement, totalitarianism, etc.? Comment on the personal qualms overcome by the soldiers in order to serve their society.</p>

<p>Your last body paragraph provides far less content than the other two. The biological drive for people to procreate, first of all, is too obvious of a subject to discuss. If we didn't have children, the human race would become extinct. The argument here is too general and too loose, merely offering another example of sacrifice.</p>

<p>Your conclusion should cover a new idea, instead of rewording your introduction. Offer to the reader new ideas on self-sacrifice. What about the monk who sets himself on fire to demonstrate his faith? What about the parents who work long, exhausting hours in order to keep their families afloat? Try to engage the reader with new material as the essay progresses, instead of allowing for them to be able to compress your ideas into a single paragraph. I hope this helps.</p>