please score my essay 2

<p>I have another essay, please score!</p>

<p>prompt: technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.</p>

<p>assignment: do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<p>MY ESSAY
I have frequently found myself wishing that "life were easier", a sentiment that most people have some time in their life. However, I am not proud of this thought because I know that an easier time does not necessarily mean a better time. making changes to save effort often compromises the end result; the product will lose the personal toudh, as well as bring on a slew of other problems.</p>

<p>People started to shirk work from a very early time, and they developed the concept of slaves and servants. The theory was that menial tasks could be delegated to lesser beings while the rich could enjoy a leisurely lifestyle and deal with issues of more importance. In the pre-civil war south, plantation owners could sit back and increase their bank accounts while slaves labored in the cotton fields and servants tended to the children. The result is the brutality we are all familiar with and a wobbly economy dependant solely on the slave's labor. many ladies also escaped the responsibility of raising their own children by hiring nannies; obviously while they were free to look beautiful and do nothing, they also could not cultivate their personal relationship with their children. This so-called easy life was impersonal, and we now recognize it as evil</p>

<p>In the modren age, people have also developed numerous technology that seeks to benefit efficiency and entertainment. people almost cannot survive without the ipod and laptop at hand. We spend massive amounts of money on new gadgets as well as a great party of the day making updates and doing maintenance. therefore, the idea that it actually saves time no longer stands. In fact, we devote much more time to these machines than to meaningful tasks.</p>

<p>many of the better things in life require hard work, one's own devotion acannot be replaced with another's unless one will settle for a worse result.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading! again, please be brutal in scoring; also specific comments would be greatly appreciated!</p>

<p>Your examples are solid, a little bit more development in the second example though...</p>

<p>One main drawback, no "SAT" words..</p>

<p>Let me give u the barrons scoring:</p>

<p>Position of the topic: Fundamentally clear and coherent (5)
Organization of evidence: Generally well organized with apt examples (5)
Sentence structure: Some variety in sentences (4)
Level of vocabulary: Adequate word choice (4)
Grammar and usage: (Relatively free of errors-some technical errors=5-4)
Overall effect: Effective to adequately competent (4-5)</p>

<p>I think it would be a nine: 4+5</p>

<p>Work on your diction, incorporate more SAT words in your essay, more rigid organization and be careful of your expression at some points such as:


developed numerous technology</p>

<p>people almost cannot survive without the ipod and laptop at hand. We spend massive amounts of...(notice the transition from the impersonal to the personal: people-->we...try to avoid these transitions and keep it to one. I'd go with personal..we or you)***</p>

<p>thanks alot!</p>