<p>I am not a very good writer, but i am trying to improve. I appreciate feedback on how to improve>>what i did wrong and what i did good on it....thanks
plus the score out of 12 please....thank you</p>
<p>What motivates change?</p>
<p>Changing is a natural course of life. Everything revolving around the world changes. Weather seasons change, trends become popular and fade. People also change, they mature and grow, at some point in time in their life they reach an epiphany, Even though change is natural we humans tend to resist because we feel uncomfortable. And that is completely normal. It is common to feel queasy when facing unknown variables because all our lives we have focused on building relationships, keeping a style and familiarizing ourselves with a certain neighborhood. It is a disturbing awakening when things abruptly change. One wonders what causes change if we tend to resist. In my view, it is an oxymoron, humans refuse to change when they feel uncomfortable but they also change to gain that enlighten state or when they have a different insight on life.</p>
<p>In my life, I have undergone many phases and fads. As a child, I was obsessed with Pokemon. I was like the masses, one of the millions of kids who worshiped Pokemon, I had to get cards, toys, clothes and any item that had the magic word Pokemon. This phase ended within two years but by then I had bought hundreds of items. The craze for this new type of cartoons did not stop there. There was a new sensation for Yugi-oh and Digimon. It was the same ploy and trick giant corporations play on kids to get their money, just with a slight twist. This fad however ended quicker than the previous, several months. </p>
<p>I had matured and had gotten tired of fantasy cartoons and developed a taste for wrestling instead. I bought a bunch of action figures and would watch every WWF wresting show to feed my craze. I was entertained by their fake stunts but slowly and surely I got bored. I realized it was not something I liked and had a gradual realization that I was wrong. </p>
<p>That self reflection and emotion is the same feeling most people get when they change. They suddenly feel like what they had been doing, was not what they had envisioned or wanted. What initiates a change is when one has a mindset to accomplish a goal, develop an image or fulfilling a craving but realizes they intended different.</p>
<p>''That self reflection and emotion is the same feeling most people get when they change'' this line however is not grammatically correct. U could have said that people often change due to self-reflection, guilt, anger or any other kind of emotion. Our sentiments mould us, carving out our very soul. </p>
<p>Plus in the beggining I found ur essay a little confusing. N i think u should give examples out of ur personal life. For example u could have written about the French Revolution and how the French masses revolted against their monarch because of the suppression and abysmal poverty they were afflicted with. And that was the most grangantuan transformation in French History. When humna beings see that things are going wrong, some among us rise to the occassion and work for change. </p>
<p>ok ive gone on and on for a long time but i luv speaking...a lot.One last thing before i go--if you have read the book Animal Farm by george orwell u cld also write bout it too. </p>
<p>thank you for the feedback...i'm trying to improve my writing...i appreciate it if more people provide suggestions and tips on how I can improve and strengthen my skills</p>
<p>...i really need help with sentence structure and word choice...Without the flow it makes my point of view weaker...</p>
<p>Firstly, your essay's introductions needs to be shortened. It is ridiculously long and it is hard to follow. I would just start with a hook, then say the foundations for your thesis, then your thesis. Your thesis should be simple and easy to follow. So for your thesis, (i suppose this is your thesis) "In my view, it is an oxymoron, humans refuse to change when they feel uncomfortable but they also change to gain that enlighten state or when they have a different insight on life." It is long and the "humans refuse to change", "In my view" parts should be deleted. You need a simple one like "Thus, humans change to gain enlightening." Delete the "or when they have a different insight on life." part, it creates confusion.</p>
<p>For your examples, you need to cut the amount of irrelevant parts and focus on your thesis, which is "Thus, humans change to gain enlightening." In every example, you should relate to the enlightening that made you change, like how you learned of the ploys of the corporations that made you not want to play with pokemon again, or how you learned that the stunts were fake in wrestling matches. This makes your examples relevant. </p>
<p>For the conclusion, expand on the relationship between your thesis and your examples. Say something that would provoke thought in the reader. Don't say anything irrelevant. </p>
<p>As for the sentences, use harder sentences. So, read the score 6 essays in the SAT books and follow their sentence structures.</p>
<p>I'm not a very good reader/writer so please don't use my admonishment as your primary guide. Not to sound harsh or anything, I would give your essay a 7. I'm betting a lot of people might disagree with what I say; please tell me that you disagree with something.</p>
<p>I found somethings in the introduction and body irrelevant to the main topic about what <em>motivates</em> people to change. You talked a lot about change in your intro and only got to the "motivates" part at the end (topic sentence?). I think this is a good format right? The intro doesn't really need to fit the topic percisely? </p>
<p>Mabye because I'm just a bad reader, but I couldn't understand some parts of your essay, especially the last one. You gave pretty good examples in your body but they were all on past experiences (if I recall correctly), so you need to provide supporting details from books and other sources.</p>
<p>My essay is a lot worse than yours and I basically need to work on everything that I've said to you. :D Don't hesistate to tell me what you guys disagree on!</p>
<p>I don't want to grade you because I don't think I can give an accurate score out of 12, but I can give some comments.
1.Try to avoid colloq such as a bunch of .
2. The transition from the first to the second paragraph is a little bit blunt.
3. I like your intro. Maybe be specfic and detailed in your example.
Overall, good job</p>
<p>I don't think it's ridiculously long, but it could definitely be shorter--just get to the point. The readers are going to read your essay really quickly, so you have to try to be as clear as possible and get rid of any irrelevant info. When you give incidents, you should ask yourself, "So what?" Because that's exactly what the readers will be wondering.</p>
<p>Also, try using some SAT words. That always pleases SAT people. Always. It makes a great first impression, and the first impression is always important. Using more advanced vocabulary shows a sort of maturity--that doesn't mean you have to be formal, but using SAT words like exacerbate or exonerate or inculcate would be impressive.</p>
<p>Honestly, what I did for the essay was I looked at an essay that got a 12 and copied the structure! It's actually not a bad idea--I got an 11.</p>
<p>Try using examples from literature and history. Your essay seems kind of immature and unfocused, and I don't think your examples support your thesis as well. </p>
<p>Because the readers are going to fly by these essays, the best policy is short and sweet. And organized. For body paragraphs, you should have some structure. A simple structure is topic sentence, example, commentary (relating example to topic sentence), commentary (relating to thesis), transition. </p>
<p>Catchy intro, catchy conclusion that concludes, good structure in body paragraphs, and words that make you sound smart. These will give you a good score--trust me.</p>