Please score my essay. New version.

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Topic: Following the crowd.</p>

<p>It's always better to have your own view rather than following the crowd. Several examples from literature and history proovs that a lof of people could be wrong while one is right.</p>

<p>In Gustove Le Bon's book "The Crowd: A study of popular mind" author explains that individual who becomes part of a crowd tends to loose himself, his individuality. His correct opinion may sink in deep ocean of erroneous views. If people will follow crowd and general accepted concepts or beliefs they would stay on the same level of development. Gustove L.B. also claims that every person may see common issue from another tower, like painters. For instance, where 95 % of people see only dark sky they could notice all details, that are making sky bright. And individuals could observe something unconventional and explain it to crowd which will praice him. This personal discoveries are developing our future. Thus, it's always good to have own view because you could see something that other people can't.</p>

<p>Gallileo Gallilei was scientist. His is an example of white pencil among millions of black. Almost every student know that he was first man who concluded that our planet is circle in shape. He invented new understanding of live on earth. The price of this discovery was his life. He followed himself and he wss right. One right among thousands of wrong. He helped to hummanity and that is all why we are living on earth. Purpose of life is to change word to better and he did it by his own view. Therefore, it's always better to have own opinion.</p>

<p>After careful analysis of Gustove's book about crowd and historical example of Gallileo G. one can see that to have own opinion for any issue is good, indeed. Without it people will stay on the current level. We should help people to go further!</p>

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<p>Thanks.</p>

2

<p>Any one? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<</p>

3

<p>Your vocabulary seems to be good, I think you could work on your grammer just a bit though, for example</p>

<p>Instead of saying:
Gallileo Gallilei was scientist</p>

<p>You Should Say:
Gallileo Gallilei was a scientist</p>

<p>Instead of saying:
In Gustove Le Bon’s book “The Crowd: A study of popular mind” author explains that individual who becomes part of a crowd tends to loose himself</p>

<p>You Should Say:
In Gustove Le Bon’s book “The Crowd: A study of popular mind”** the** author explains that individuals who becomes part of a crowd tend to loose themselves</p>

<p>I would rate this a 7 out of 12 maybe an 8.</p>

<p>Your vocabulary seems to be good.</p>

4

<p>Thanks. I finished first volume of Direct Hits and half of second. I’m just bit in panic. Because my SAT will be soon. I’m very worried about CR and WR(essay).</p>

<p>Literal comparisons are good here, right?</p>

5

<p>I like your examples. However, I imagine that this essay would take up a little more than a page. Also, while the ideas you write about are good in principle, I think there are too many grammatical mistakes for any reader to give this a score of four (adequate mastery). This is the criteria for a score of three. The ones in bold resemble your essay in my opinion.</p>

<p>An essay in this category demonstrates developing mastery, and is marked by one or more of the following weaknesses:</p>

<pre><code>* Develops a point of view on the issue, demonstrating some critical thinking, but may do so inconsistently or use inadequate examples, reasons, or other evidence to support its position

  • Is limited in its organization or focus, but may demonstrate some lapses in coherence or progression of ideas
    *** Displays developing facility in the use of language, but sometimes uses weak vocabulary or inappropriate word choice**
  • Lacks variety or demonstrates problems in sentence structure
  • Contains an accumulation of errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics
    </code></pre>

<p>So I imagine you would get a score of 6/12.</p>

6

<p>Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, factual errors make me cringe.</p>

<p>6/12 if I ignore the factual errors and lack of coherency in the Galileo argument.</p>

<p>The person you are referring to is Galileo Galilei, he was not the first to propose that the earth is round. Rather, Galileo proposed the idea of a Heliocentric universe (Sun lies at the centre). For this, Galileo was sentenced to life under house arrest (not death as you implied).</p>

7

<p>^
Totaly disagree. Go and study history. Gallileo G. was burn on fire due to statement he made about earth. His last words were “And she is turning around” and then he was burn.
Take a rest, man.</p>

8

<p>I can’t judge myself, however, I consider that my literal comparisons are very good.</p>

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<p>LOLOLOLOLOL, I think what needs burning are your textbooks.</p>

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<p>

<em>Facepalm</em> What kind of crap are your textbooks filled with? Even Wikipedia is more accurate than your “facts”: [Galileo</a> Galilei - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galileo_Galilei]Galileo”>Galileo Galilei - Wikipedia).

</p>

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<p>Yeah, I am so sorry. It’s my crazy teacher’s fact. Sorry.</p>

12

<p>

</p>

<p>Umm, I don’t know what you’re smoking, but I’m pretty sure Copernicus was the one who proposed the idea of the heliocentric universe.</p>

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<p>^ Galileo did not propose the idea of a heliocentric universe, but he did uphold it in public.</p>

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<p>^True, but Copernicus proposed the idea a while before Galileo came along (what was it, 100 years or so?).</p>

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<p>actually we are talking about my essay not Gallileo G…</p>

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<p>This is excellent work, considering that you are writing in a foreign language, Suleyman95. It is definitely better than I could do in my second language.</p>

<p>The quickest way for you to improve your writing (in particular) is to focus on the use of “articles” in English–the grammatical constructions “a,” “an,” and “the.” </p>

<p>One of my colleagues explained to foreign students who were writing Ph.D. theses that they would be correct at least 90% of the time if they follow this rule:<br>
Include an article before a singular noun, and omit it before a plural noun. </p>

<p>“The” is used if you are referring to a particular example.
“A” or “an” is used if you are referring to a general example. (Use “a” before a word that starts with a consonant, and “an” before a word that starts with a vowel.)
So, in the first sentence of your second paragraph, you should have “the author” (a particular person) and “an individual” (a general reference).</p>

<p>Second, check that you are writing complete sentences. “One right among thousands of wrong” needs a verb, because it is incomplete as it stands. Sometimes incomplete sentences can be used for rhetorical effect, but it would be better to avoid that in your writing at the moment.</p>

<p>Third, practice the English spelling of words that you may be using often. Unfortunately, there are few rules about correct English spelling. A few spelling issues in your writing are:
proovs/should be prove
loose/should be lose (This one is hard even for native speakers.)
praice/should be praise
live on earth/should be life on earth, in this context
hummanity/should be humanity
Gustove/should be Gustave
Gallileo Gallilei/should be Galileo Galilei</p>

<p>Your use of scholarly examples is a very strong feature of this essay. In particular, it will be very rare for a student to cite a work from the sociological literature, such as Le Bon’s work on The Crowd. If you can think of similar examples to use in your real SAT essay, it will be very helpful to you, because the readers will find your writing original.</p>

<p>(As a few people have pointed out, Galileo was not the first to conclude that the Earth was round. The Greek scientist Eratosthenes, who lived in about 200 BC, concluded that the Earth was round, and also came up with a means of calculating its diameter.)</p>

<p>Galileo was subject to house arrest, because a dialog that he wrote about the Copernican theory appeared to mock the pope. He was forced to recant–that is, to retract his view that the Earth moved around the Sun. He actually recanted due to his fear of being put to death–which makes him an ambiguous example (in reality) for use with this prompt.</p>

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<p>I have no comments for your post. Amazing! Thanks!</p>

18

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<p>I haven’t even read this book or other socialogical literature and that’s why I will go prepared for my essay whatever topic I would get. I’m using general directions(Crowd, Heroes, Identity, etc) and making points for that. I trying to make my points impressive because my grammar is bad.</p>

19

<p>^Do note, though, that most readers will not have heard of Le Bon. They might possibly think that you just made up this “Le Bon” person (even though you didn’t), especially if your essay contains quite a few errors. So, it’s more important to improve your grammar than it is to learn some good examples. Still, this essay is a great improvement over your last one. Good luck!</p>

20

<p>another one. </p>

<p>Topic: Identity</p>

<pre><code>Identity it’s not only your name or where you born; it’s actions, decisions and choices that you made in your entire life. Several examples from history and literature prove that identity is some sort of reputation that we create.

In article written by Russian immigrant, Anatoly Smirnovich, author explains painters’ life. One example from his research is Vincent Van Gogh. There are a lot of interesting facts about him: different periods of art, various styles, techniques; and all of it are his identify which he created: not only where he born or his name. Identity is some kind of biography and only human can change it and direct to another way. Thus, from Vincent Van Gogh’s example, one can conclude that identify is our life, like K. Paustovskiy said: “Identity it’s clay in human’s hands, any shape you want it would get.”
</code></pre>

<p>Every student knows about Adolf Hitler. He is example of another identity. To be correct, they know not him, they know his identity, in other, words how we can characterize him? Though his actions, therefore, actions are making characterization, and characterization is creating identity. There are a lot of articles, researches, films, books about him; and every information is his actions, by which, we can infer his identity. Hence, only human can create or change his own identity.</p>

<p>Martin L. King is example from history of United States. He was aimed to recreate both freedom and democracy, fought for equal right of blacks, solved racial conflicts and protected civil rights. All these actions is his identity. Therefore, it’s also actions from entire life.</p>

<p>After a careful analysis of A.Smirnovich’s article, students’ interpretation of A. Hitler and Martin L. King’s actions, one can see that identity is, indeed, our life; what we choose, what we made and what we achieved. We must create our identity for people after us.</p>