Please score my essay

<p>Hello all, I wrote this essay in 20 minutes. The prompt for the essay is "Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?" (aka prompt from Practice Test #7 in the Blue Book)</p>

<p>Here is the essay:</p>

<p>We do indeed need other people to understand ourselves. In George Orwell’s 1984, the protagonist, Winston, refines his beliefs as a result of an illicit affair and in the film “The Devil Wears Prada”, the main character, Andrea, begins to understand where her true interests lie as a result of her experiences in the fashion industry. </p>

<p>Through our relations with others, we begin to refine our own thoughts, emotions, and perceptions. In George Orwell’s 1984, a dystopian novel about the subversion of an authoritarian regime, the protagonist, Winston sees through the veil of deception and coercion shrouded over Oceania by the Party an plans to subvert it. As the plot progresses, he eventually falls in love with a woman named Julia. Initially, Winston merely feels disgruntled and somewhat dissatisfied with the way Oceania is run, with its chronic shortages of goods and poor standard of living for Outer Party members. His form of dissent is a rather subtle one, professing his beliefs in a diary rather than staging an “October Revolution”. However, his sense of disillusionment is exacerbated by his illicit affair with Julia; he begins to realize how suppressed he and the rest of the populace of Oceania really were, which leads to him taking more rash actions and eventually being “taken care of” by the Thought Police. </p>

<p>Our experiences with others lead us to become more self-conscious, leading us to make decisions that may affect our lives for the better. Take the movie “The Devil Wears Prada” – a film about the fashion industry – as an example. In the film, the main character, Andrea, wants to be a journalist for some high-flying news publication, and sees a job in the fashion industry as the key to unlock the doors of opportunity. Andrea expects the work to be easy, a mere transitory period in which she cann look for more dignified positions. However, her boss, Miranda Priesly, is an overbearing task-master who extracted every iota of energy available from her employees. Priesly loaded Andrea in particular with the most demanding, most stressful work and made it clear that she wanted to see Andrea and fail. Although Andrea eventually gained the respect of Preisly, she realized that it was beyond herself to keep up with such stressful work and decided to settle for a more relaxed, less stressful job at a small New York newspaper instead. </p>

<p>Thanks for looking!</p>

<p>high 4</p>

<p>The biggest issue is you have no conclusion. This is especially bad since you finished early. In conclusion you are supposed to pick up the threads of your argument and state how they have proven your thesis. </p>

<p>I like the first example because you hit on the “need” part of the prompt- without the external stimulus of Julia, Winston never would have fully acknowledge and explored his objections to the stiffing control of the party. You so are demonstrating the thesis there. </p>

<p>Not so keen on the second example. Firstly, it isnt academic- its recent pop culture movie. Secondly what Andrea understand about herself as a result of Miranda? Just that she doesnt like hard work and takes an easier job? If I know my Hollywood boilerplate, I bet there was a theme here that better fit your thesis.</p>

<p>Take a look at this:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Intro could use a bit more development. What I do is 1) introduce topic 2)state clear, explicit thesis 3) explain why 4) list examples.</p>

<p>I suggest being more clear with the examples. Be more explicit about how it supports your thesis and less time explaining. Also, I recommend 3 examples.</p>

<p>I don’t think not having a conclusion is a big deal, but I think it would be better if you had a t least a short one.</p>