please score my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>prompt:
to change is to risk somethig, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice to to change. people, however, cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from within
adapted from ward sybouts, planning in school administration: A handbook</p>

<p>assignment: what motivates people to change? plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue.</p>

<p>MY ESSAY:</p>

<p>There is an old sayint that "the only thing that never changes is change itself." The world and ourselves are constantly changing, yet some are afraid of changing. Afterall, just as Ward Sybouts writes, "[t]o change is to risk something." The constant may ask, why do people choose to do something different? Whether it be a change in environment, self, or action, change is motivated by an internal goal and the dream of something better.</p>

<p>America is a history of change, its very founding (or at leat in the European sense) was when explorers left their homes in search of gold and spices. Those explorers were unsatisfied with what they had and dreamt of riches in a foreign land. What motivated them was teh possibility of wealth, adventure and discoveries. Later, the pilgrims also decided to move to America because they suffered religious persecution back in Europe, and hoped to find freedom in America. The later rush of immigrants from Ireland, China, etc. were motivated by the dream of gold roads and a better life.</p>

<p>People are also changing when they pursue a new undertaking, even there, the motivation is the hope of improvement. last summer, I decided to join my school's swim team. i had never learned to swim and was tired of my friends laughing as I flaied in the pool. Sol I thought, "what better way to learn to swim than in with a group of amazing swimmers?" I was taking an awful risk of making a bigger fool of myself (which I did in the beginning monthes), but I kept going because I thought of the day when I could swim and play in the pool with everyone else. It was this that motivated me to this new undertaking.</p>

<p>Another, and perhaps the most significant, type of change is to alter oneself. This is what most people struggle to do. however, many people still try to become a different person based on what they wish to be. Anne Shirley, from the beloved novel Anne of Green Gables, wanted to be beautiful and agonized over her red hair. We can all remeber the hilarious episode where Anne, wanting to become a brunnette, died <em>i know this is spelled wrong</em> her hair green instead. most people just laugh at Anne's foolishness, but she had a reason too. Although her end was nto as she intended, she tried to change herself for the goal of becoming beautiful.</p>

<p>Change is generally fe</p>

<p>*that was all I could write in the time given, so the conclusion is not complete
------thanks for reading through my essay! Please score on a scale of 6, not 12. And please rip it apart, more vicious the better. Thank you!</p>

2

<p>I would say 9.
You have maintain your position with a vigor!
Before you start the essay, write your position down in 1 sentence. In your case, that would be "change is motivated by an internal goal and the dream of something better." KEEP THIS IN YOUR MIND DURING THE ENTIRE ESSAY. Every sentence you write should have this in mind.</p>

3

<p>This 9 is assuming ull finnish the conclusion, of course</p>

4

<p>well, I am basically asking what I would have gotten. I'll work on the timing issues; then would you say this is around a 3/6 considering I did not finish?</p>

5

<p>3 mayb 4..</p>

6

<p>Thanks, other than not maintaining the position, do you have any other suggestions?</p>

7

<p>Try to make ur writing flow more clearly. F/E, why do u write "Another, and perhaps the most significant, type of change is to alter oneself. This is what most people struggle to do." It seems extraneus and disrupts the flow of the essay (just change the start of the following sentence. Also, polish up on the grammar a lil.</p>

8

<p>Great, I'll work on that!</p>

9

<p>vicious huh... um... i'd also say 3 or 4</p>

<p>you're well read.. but it felt like there was only 1 point in that essay.. </p>

<p>*people change because they wanted to improve themselves.. *</p>

<p>i always thought these essays had the structure of intro, point 1, point 2, (point 3), conclusion... </p>

<p>you need to branch out a bit more :) plan a few more points rather than using all your time on one...</p>

<p>i would say people change because: 1 - they are forced by circumstance and fate to adapt. 2 - because many people strive to better themselves. 3 - we change ourselves for the people around us who we care about.</p>

<p>also.. 2 body paragraphs would be enough.. i wrote with only 2 paragraphs and scored 11.. that would mean you got time to finish...</p>

10

<p>thanks for the suggestions!</p>

11

<p>now i'd probaly give it a 3/6
or a 6/12
because the essay isn't cohesive
and i think you can use better examples
and the conclusion is a part
so w/o it, you would've lost a lot of points
other than that, good vocab and just try and do better
hope u get a 12 good luck</p>

12

<p>are you serious? a 6/12? When I took this in 9th grade, it was about how people's daily lives and jobs defined who they were. I wrote 1 paragraph and it took up about 2/3 of one page. I thought it was terrible, but I got a 9/12. This essay was a lot better than mine. Was that a mistake? did they change the grading system?</p>

13

<p>thanks to everyone for those comments!</p>

<p>I have another essay, please score!</p>

<p>prompt: technology promises to make our lives easier, freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed. We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives, with the result that, whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.</p>

<p>assignment: do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>

<pre><code>essay:
</code></pre>

<p>I have frequently found myself wishing that "life were easier", a sentiment that most people have some time in their life. However, I am not proud of this thought because I know that an easier time does not necessarily mean a better time. making changes to save effort often compromises the end result; the product will lose the personal toudh, as well as bring on a slew of other problems. </p>

<p>People started to shirk work from a very early time, and they developed the concept of slaves and servants. The theory was that menial tasks could be delegated to lesser beings while the rich could enjoy a leisurely lifestyle and deal with issues of more importance. In the pre-civil war south, plantation owners could sit back and increase their bank accounts while slaves labored in the cotton fields and servants tended to the children. The result is the brutality we are all familiar with and a wobbly economy dependant solely on the slave's labor. many ladies also escaped the responsibility of raising their own children by hiring nannies; obviously while they were free to look beautiful and do nothing, they also could not cultivate their personal relationship with their children. This so-called easy life was impersonal, and we now recognize it as evil</p>

<p>In the modren age, people have also developed numerous technology that seeks to benefit efficiency and entertainment. people almost cannot survive without the ipod and laptop at hand. We spend massive amounts of money on new gadgets as well as a great party of the day making updates and doing maintenance. therefore, the idea that it actually saves time no longer stands. In fact, we devote much more time to these machines than to meaningful tasks.</p>

<p>many of the better things in life require hard work, one's own devotion acannot be replaced with another's unless one will settle for a worse result.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading! again, please be brutal in scoring; also specific comments would be greatly appreciated!</p>

14

<p>Your body paragraphs are all a bit short, so definitely expand on that.</p>

<p>A friend advised me that since usually three body paragraphs are recommended, one should be a literary example, another a historical example, and the last one a personal example. On my essay, I used literary and personal. For literary, I suggest reading three American classics that can most likely be used for any type of prompt: The Great Gatsby, Catcher in the Rye, and Huck Finn. For personal, make ANYTHING up. They'll never check up. For historical, probably use an example of a war or something. If you can't think up of anything for historical, just elaborate on personal and literary. </p>

<p>Another thing bringing you down in your essay are your spelling mistakes or are those typos? I'm not sure. But if not, make sure to double check.</p>

<p>Since you didn't finish, remember to pace yourself. You should probably spend five minutes doing an outline on exactly what you're going to write about and organize your thoughts. Maybe even spend ten minutes. But definitely don't go over ten. Use the rest of your time to write out your essay and write it quickly.</p>

<p>I'd probably give this essay a 7/12 but I definitely think you are capable of a much higher score.</p>

<p>Good luck :)</p>