<p>Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?</p>
<p>Nowadays everything is private, but my position is opposite to our current situation.I consider that everything must be common. Confirmation to my opinion are found in literature, science and history.
Let's review literature facts about this topic and proof my position. Filson Young's book about legend, about "Titanic". In this book author clearly expresses his opinion about surfaced property of Titanic (France company purchased right to raise some things from the area of Titanic). Anyway, he consider that all of it must be property of society, like historical monument.
Let's review science. It's better to explore one part of it -social science. And example is Sovet Union, USSR. People in that times had an idea and aim to live in communism(everything is free and all belong to society). Well, it was great idea. Society was on it's way to it, but some political circumstances changed and that idea was failed.
Let's review historical facts. Aga Mukhammed Khan in Gandja was aimed to lie in garmony. His purpose was to make all sourses and resourses of his country free to people. That's why he began war and his actions could be justified.
In conclusion of my essay I would like to summarize all points which I made: property of Titanic, USSR'S aim to live in communism and Aga Mukhammed Khan's purpose to live in garmony. From these examples we can conclude and summarize that all property of goverment must be in society, but society must be ready for that.</p>
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<p>Recommendations and comments are welcome. */12 scale.</p>
<p>I would give this essay a 6 out of 12.
First of all, when I see this essay, I notice that it is very, very short for even an SAT essay. On the actual SAT, you will be given 1 and a half sides of [A4</a> Paper](<a href=“What Is A4 Paper? Size, Weight & Margins (with pictures)”>What Is A4 Paper? Size, Weight & Margins (with pictures)). So whilst aiming for a 12, it is in your best intentions to fill up as much of the paper as possible. Apparently, studies have shown that longer essays correlate to better scores. While I cannot confirm this myself, many here on CC believe it.
A big mistake you made writing your essay was that you state exactly what you are going to say next. This is usually not a good idea. For example, you say the following in your essay:
Instead of writing in this manner, you should find a creative way to draw the reader in, thus making your essay more powerful. Another way you can make your essay flow is to have a smooth transition. For example, in your paragraph for literature, you can start off by saying:
“In Titanic, Filson Young’s book, he…”
Also, in your conclusion, you should not state that it is the conclusion. </p>
<p>Here is your essay where I have corrected some mistakes I saw & added some vocabulary. I suggest you review the mistakes and improve.</p>
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I know I have omitted the conclusion, but there is a good reason.
Using a link I am going to give you, I want you to rewrite this essay with a conclusion. Keep in mind the following:</p>
<p>I am impressed with your hard work and the improvement you have made. I agree that it needs to be longer. I look forward to seeing the next version.</p>
<p>People should make more effort to keep some things private. Several examples from sicial science and literature clearly demonstrate that people must keep their thoughts and feelings in personal condition.
As shown by 2009th research 60% of people are involved into online chatting and social web-sites like facebook or twitter. Rule number one, in this sites, is that nobody can read what another people are writing or discussing. If people could check what others are writing a lot of bad concequences would be. Misunderstanding polarizes people and society. Therefore, people should keep their personal things private.
A book written by Russian immigrant compares keeping feelings and thoughts hidden with playing poker, where players must hide their cards. Author helps reader to image that “cards” is our live skills and aces, and we must hide them, in order, not being craved. Thus, people should hide their live things to have a safe life.
After careful analysis of 2009th social research and book written by Russian immigrant, one can see that people should, indeed, keep their feelings and emotions private. Without keeping personal things private we will attract crave and antagonists.</p>
I hope I helped!</p>