<p>i'm applying to Berkeley and Davis for media and comm major
Could anyone please read my essay for the last time before i submit it!?</p>
<p>I can if you want</p>
<p>thank you!@brownswimmer, I’m pming you!!
Really, no one else would like to help and give me some more criticism :(</p>
<p>I could also if you need some more critics. If you are able to do an essay swap, that would be lovely, but if you can’t I completely understand. Just PM me your essay :)</p>
<p>Apparently you can’t PM if you haven’t posted 15 times, so… I’ll just post criticisms here! </p>
<p>First essay:
Wow! At the beginning, I was afraid it would be another typical Asian-hardships essay (not to be racist at all–I have plenty of friends who are Asian, and my dad came from the Philippines as a child). But you definitely proved me wrong! I loved the connection you made to the autistic children. I really feel your desire to be a part of this major. The anecdotal story of the horrors of public speaking brought your essay to life. And I don’t know how long ago you came to America, but your English is nearly seamless. (Thanks for using rhetorical questions, because I personally love when people do and love to use them myself!)
As for that part in parentheses, is it a proposed revision? If so, I would use it over what is in the sentence–more grammatically sound and it flows well. Also, was the repeated “What I enjoy the most” sentences at the end intentional? It may be redundant to use both.
Other than those small things, I found your essay to both interesting (it’s hard to hold my attention, especially at night) and well-written. And you successfully conveyed your voice. I can’t really think of any more criticisms to give you. I guess if there is anything you feel should be fixed, go for it, but it is a very solid essay.
Best of luck getting in! I really hope you do :)</p>
<p>Second essay:
Things I find along the way --</p>
<p>“I experienced this in one of my speeches in college, I once read…” → Instead of the comma, either a colon, period, or semicolon.</p>
<p>“I believe that overcoming a fear is like learning any skill, what it takes to be well prepared is to keep practicing.” → Same as the last sentence.</p>
<p>"It is as simple as sitting down and writing down everything that comes to mind, it takes more planning in the brain. " → This COULD be left as is, but it leans towards the problems the other two sentences had.</p>
<p>The part about how the high school you went to not being culturally diverse–how exactly does it fit in with the rest of the paragraph? I feel like it was addressed at the very end, but there was enough between that part and the end for the readers to forget a little about it.</p>
<p>This essay was also strong as well, but the problem is, is it OK to reference the cultural/language issues you had in both essays? Since I’m only applying as an undergraduate (and a not very knowledgeable on college one), I can’t say for someone who is applying specifically for majors. For admissions essays, I understand that you shouldn’t talk about the same thing twice, but I don’t know whether it’s appropriate for your majors or not. I wish I knew more, haha.
Anyway, this essay seemed a little more typical than the first, but still, strong. Other than what I have said, I feel it is great as is.</p>
<p>I kind of failed and told you good luck and all that in the last message, lol. Well, I’m sure all college applicants wouldn’t mind more luck, so good luck again! Get into that college! :)</p>
<p>Thank you so much for taking your time to look over my essay and give me the feedback!! you’re the first person ever respond to my essay on here!! 
i’m very appreciated. and I’m now going to working on it more. i’m thinking to submit it tomorrow at noon. I’m so glad to hear what you think of my essay. Thanks again!!!</p>
<p>i’m still very not satisfied with my second essay. i know there are still a lot of sentences i need to fix… i’m going to look at what you mentioned and go over the essay carefully right now !</p>
<p>would somebody mind reading my essay? I won’t be able to post it for about a half hour, but would anybody mind?</p>