Pleaseee Comment On My Essay! Thanks So Much!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>i dont know if this will work. since my other essay was largely ignored.
hope the title caught someone's eyes.
comments and a grade would be MUCH MUCH MUCH appreciated. thanks!</p>

<p>Prompt: Does the success of a community - whether it is a class, a team, a family, a nation, or any other group - depend upon people's willingness to limit their personal interests?</p>

<p>The success of a community is largely dependent upon the individual's willingness to compromise and limit his or her personal gains because individuals make up a community. If a community's members only look out for himself, the the goal of group will never be achieved. Whether it is in basketball games, classes, or fighting a war, the individuals have to put the benefit of the group before his own.
On a basketball team, there are players who are more adept at making baskets, shorter players who can manuver on the court, and others who play great defense. If every player wanted to make a name for himself by scoring the most points, the game can never be won. When every player contributes his best to the team as a whole, the success of the "community" is enhanced. With each player limiting his personal gain, the team will be able to accomplish more than just one individual.
The same self-sacrifice can be seen on the battlefield. Of course, every man wants to win a medal for bravery and killing the enemy. However, if he is asked to stay behind or to take care of the wounded, he must limit his personal desires for the group's benefit. While it may be true that the enemy will suffer great losses with every man fighting for himself, the overall failure of the war campaign will be much more harmful than the possibly gain by the individual members. The cooperation of the members is crucial to the success of the community.<br>
My personal experience in my history class reveals the consequences when people do not work together. When our class tries to reason with our teacher for an extra point because of the ambiguity of the question, one classmate not only stands by, but he argues against his fellow students. The result is our low grades, while he is shunned by the rest of the students. The other period does not have this problem and they regularly get extra points on tests.
A community cannot function without its parts, just like a machine cannot function without its nuts and bolts. While it may be important to be recognized for one's work, it is more important to not be the best in the group but for the group.</p>

2

<p>Sorry I can't give a grade at the moment, but try and relate basketball to a basketball movie like Coach Carter or just MAKE UP A MOVIE(you don't have to give the name, it's not like they'll research it even if you do give a fake name) and talk about characters and make up conflicts(what you mentioned about sacrificing personal interests of being the best on the team, like being ball hogs) that they went through to achive success as a community. I'll be back soon to give a grade though.</p>

3

<p>thank you so much!
wow i didn't think of that while i was writing this essay..what a good idea just making it up. haha
if you could give me an approximate grade that would be awesome!</p>

4

<p>the essay in my opinion is a 4</p>

5

<p>I would give it a 4 or 5, probably like a 4.5 if I could. I mean it's great, but you need to make the examples look more dramatic and relating back to the prompt by giving specific examples(again, make up a movie, talk about how in some movie like "We Were Soldiers", each soldier wanted to go back with his story to tell to his family, but they got too focused on that and it was a massacre). One thing that can boost your essay by a point or so is to use some fancy vocab. Not overly fancy like myopic or incontroverible, but something like audacious(daring, bold) or acrimonious(bitter). Words that show that you have control and that make it look like a high quality essay.</p>