Plz critique my essay.

<p>Down But Not Out</p>

<p>It’s 7:30 on Wednesday night, less than five days before the deadline to submit my college application. I have never before felt so nervous and hesitant about my ability to complete a task: my goal is to create an impressive essay for the college admissions officers at Duke University. My infatuation for Duke has been a part of me since my early childhood, but how can I convey my enthusiasm and concurrently appear original and creative? How can I do justice to Duke’s storied history, from James B. Duke’s establishment of The Duke Endowment, to Christian Laettner’s buzzer-beater to clinch a spot in the 1992 NCAA basketball final four? Perhaps a good topic will be my devotion to the field of economics and how my brain epitomizes a human calculator. Yet, that does not seem personal enough, and I might appear too arrogant. Will an essay on my passion for the game of soccer be appropriate? After much pondering, I have concluded that the most significant aspect of my life revolves around my family. </p>

<p>As I began to scan my most influential childhood memories, my eyes focused on one of the most life altering events that I can remember. Initially, I had regarded the moment as aggravating and burdensome. I was in the fifth grade, and I had just received news from the principal’s secretary that my brother had been seriously injured and rushed to the hospital. At that moment, I was shocked, nervous, and completely traumatized. Unfortunately, the school official bearing the news indicated that she was not allowed to divulge additional details, and I would only be able to obtain further information from my parents at the conclusion of the school day.</p>

<p>When I arrived home, I quickly rushed to the phone and called my parents who told me that my younger brother had broken his femur during recess playing gaga--a version of dodge ball popular at summer camps. At first I felt relieved to some degree…. until I was further informed.</p>

<p>Because of the injury, my brother would have to undergo extensive surgery, experience months of excruciating traction, and as if this was not enough, be enclosed in a body cast for over a year. Chad, who had always been a thrill-seeker and intensely involved in athletics, was advised that the future did not look bright and that his involvement in physical activities was in peril. Pessimism and doubt shadowed my brother; he wondered if he would ever regain his leg strength, yet he always remained positive. Day after day, my family made the 45-minute ride to the hospital to spend hours at Chad’s bedside.</p>

<p>Ironically, this experience totally altered my attitudes and values. As the months passed, I began to recognize the intrusive way bystanders tried to pry into our lives, staring and displaying little sympathy towards this handicapped individual. From these observations, I realized that part of life would contain obstacles and unpleasantness. Up until then, I had never “lost my innocence” and been exposed to the trials that the world had to offer. As my parents shifted from a mutual interest in my brother and myself to a single focus on my brother’s bedside, I realized that I would have to temporarily cope with their unintended neglect and simultaneously, I matured. </p>

<p>Most of all, this difficult time made me realize the importance of family. Perhaps former President Lyndon B. Johnson said it best, “The family is the cornerstone of our society. More than any other force it shapes the attitude, the hopes, the ambitions, and the values of the child.” Today, Chad’s successful recovery and newfound appreciation for each day is captured in his ever-present smile. Without our family’s loyal support for Chad and for each other, none of us would be smiling today.</p>

<p>cmon guys plz i knows it long. how bout just one paragraph ur choice tell me what u think....thanks a lot</p>

<p>honestly, I just don't feel that the first paragraph adds anything. The "write about coming up with an idea for a college essay" intro is pretty old.
otherwise, though, your essay is heartfelt and touching</p>

<p>A good essay, but I agree about the 1st paragraph not adding anything. Additionally, I feel that you could "dig deeper" with the reflection and expand on it some more.</p>

<p>As the months passed, I began to recognize the intrusive way bystanders tried to pry into our lives, staring and displaying little sympathy towards this handicapped individual.
What bystanders? Why not show us an example of what you're talking about here?</p>

<p>From these observations, I realized that part of life would contain obstacles and unpleasantness. Up until then, I had never “lost my innocence” and been exposed to the trials that the world had to offer.</p>

<p>You had an interesting point until you took this turn and changed your theme to "innocence lost." Before you were very original, but I feel like this new theme is fairly "done" - both in college essays and elsewhere.</p>

<p>*I realized that I would have to temporarily cope with their unintended neglect and simultaneously, I matured. *
SHOW DON'T TELL! Here's a perfect opportunity to expand on your thoughts and SHOW the read what you mean. Give us an image to work with -- you'll be much more convincing !</p>

<p>Your end is touching, although it's a discussion about family loyalty, which seems to not fit with either of your earlier points: "innocence lost" nor "bystanders will try to meddle where they don't belong." I'd suggest sticking to one, single point.</p>

<p>A good start! That's my 10cents...</p>

<p>Thanks guys I really appreciate your opinions. I realize I definitely need lot of upgrading and also see that I'll be better off changing my initial paragraph and sticking to one idea rather than cliches.</p>