possible family death - should i take time off?

Parents Forum
1

<p>the doctor that spoke to us today said that with radiation treatment, my dad should have at least 1 more year to live. But should taht be taken too seriously because isnt it really UNPREDICTABLE as to how long he'll actually live? Does ANYONE know more about this?</p>

<p>i'm really having a dilemma because although i've never really been close to my dad, i just now realize how spoiled i've been. he's worked his ass off to provide plenty of money for my family at the expense of all the health problems he's suffered thru the years. this is why i wish to spend as much remaining time with him as i can to let him know that i really love him. but i dont want to give up an entire quarter here, especially since it gets incredibly boring at home and its not like my dad needs me home 24/7. plus, he'll have support because my brother and mom will be home. plus i'll make sure i come home every weekend.</p>

<p>i know that throughout the quarter, i'll still do well academically because i've gone thru serious depression before but still pulled decent grades. i'm just worried how i'll come off to my peers, if i let this really bother me, which it probably won't THAT much</p>

<p>My dad and brother insist that I dont need to take this quarter off, but maybe the spring quarter off. But my mom suggests that I highly consider withdrawing in the middle of the next quarter (winter).</p>

<p>plus, with the classes I'm taking next quarter, I'll probably finally decide which of the 2 majors I'm considering to actually major in</p>

<p>do you guys suggest that i take a quarter off anyway, assuming that doing so wont totally destroy my college experience?</p>

2

<p>From experience, it is very VERY difficult to continue on at college during the serious illness or after the death of a parent, even one to whom one is not close. Only you and your family can make this decision, though from the sound of your post, it seems you have already made up your mind. </p>

<p>Good luck to you and to your family.</p>

3

<p>Would your dad want you to pull out of school after all he did for you to be there?</p>

<p>As a parent, I wouldn't want my child to do that...that would make me feel really bad, and my husband would NOT want his child to leave school because of HIS illness</p>

<p>If you withdrawal, what does your mother expect you to do with your time? Hang out all day?</p>

<p>I ask because I had a very close friend die recently, and the LAST thing she wanted was to put anyone out, she loved company, but would have been angry with me if I didn't continue to live my life</p>

<p>Coming home weekends is plenty, IMO< that gives those at home a break, and you could take off a quarter, and not to sound strange, but he may very well live a longer than anticipated, so how long would your mother expect you to put your life on hold?</p>

<p>I think you are a caring child, and weekends are plenty, and in fact may still be too much.</p>

<p>Take Care</p>

4

<p>I wouldn't worry too much about how the way this affects how you will look to your peers. It will be what it is. They have parents. If they don't get it, there is something wrong there.</p>

<p>This information is very new. You and your family probably need some time to process it.</p>

<p>I think you may not really know what you need to do for yourself and for your family until some time passes. In the meantime, if you are home frequently for weekends, you will be able to help and to spend time with your dad.</p>

<p>This is going to be very hard. I'm sorry.</p>

5

<p>Newton, so sorry to hear of your father's cancer. It is a painful situation to deal with. Obviously the oncologist cannot predict what will happen, though in most instances, they tend to err on the side of a more pessimistic prognosis. But who knows.</p>

<p>You will know in your heart what is right for you. This is a decision you have to make with your family. I guess that as a recent transfer, you are concerned about another disruption, but life happens, and you sound like a strong person who will be able to handle events as they occur.</p>

<p>Quarters do go by very fast, and before you know it, 11 weeks will be gone. It is good that you will be able to come home on weekends, and have time alone with your dad, or give the family a break from their exhausting routine.</p>

<p>Whatever you eventually decide to do, be at peace with the decision.</p>

6

<p>Having lost one parent to cancer and the other to chronic COPD, I can share that you are correct that the time and outcome are unpredictable. As the time gets closer, usually your family will be told that it is close. I agree that you should ask your father, but also ask your mother separately, as she may be voicing a need for emotional support from you. If you let them both know that you can come home when needed, and talk to the counselor at your school and let them know what is going on, you can probably stay at school. This is the most difficult thing you will probably ever have to live through. Tell your parents that you love them often-it means a lot to them, and it will mean a lot to you in the future. My guess is that your peers will understand if you tell them the truth.</p>

7

<p>When you ARE home, the best thing you can do for you dad is:</p>

<p>Be normal, watch TV, share funny stories, make him laugh, ask his advice, let him know that he is still useful and that his ideas and opinions matter, don't be afraid to share your OWN troubles with him- dating, a rough prof, a difficult paper</p>

<p>People that are dying, well, its important to them to be able to talk about what is going on with them, but also, to find out about your lives</p>

<p>Its okay to laugh when you are home, smile, have friends over- normalcy in small doses is important</p>

<p>When my friend was dying, I saw her in short bursts, I called her ALOT, left funny messages, complained about the people at the bank, just normal life stuff we talked about before</p>

<p>Find out what your dad is interested in and if you have the time, get a movie he may like, or DVDs he can watch at will</p>

<p>But mostly, take care of yourself, and let your mom know you love her and that you know its hard for her, being a care taker is hard, and just someone hugging you, can do wonders</p>

<p>And don't worry if you don't walk around your college "mourning" mode now or in the future, everyone handles things differently</p>

8

<p>newton - I work for a hospice agency, and have seen situations very similar to yours many times. The most important thing you can do is accept a state of mind to be flexible. While I don't know your dad's specific cancer, nor its prognosis, most terminal illnesses rarely follow the time line given by doctors. When our agency's nurses are really pinned down by a family wanting to know how long someone has, we avoid at all costs giving guesses. If they insist, someone may offer some sort of educated guess, but will always preface it with, chances are I'm more likely to be wrong than right. I've seen people with cancer live 100% longer than they were expected, and I've seen some succumb earlier rather than later from side effects of treatment. I think the best thing you can do is prepare your mind to stay at school, but be aware of your options at any given time (the suggestion to talk with someone at your school is excellent). Whether it's week 2, month 2, or year 2, you should have someone to whom you can go to at a moment's notice and discuss any new changes in your need to be at home. If you have this all in place from the beginning, then hopefully you won't be quite as distracted than if you didn't have back-up plans. </p>

<p>Another suggestion I'd offer... take as many pictures of the two (and other family members) of you together as possible any time you are together... kidding around, serious, posed, non-posed. These will be invaluable to you later on when you can't do so, and provide wonderful memories of a time you might have been very distracted. </p>

<p>The issue boils down to how one goes about honoring someone who they know has a terminal illness. The answer will be different for everyone, and may require some creative thinking. To let you know, the continuum runs between kids who take a leave of absence from school, to kids who continue in school while going home as the need or wish occurs. While it may seem desirable to you to go home every weekend, why not just wait and see how things unfold, week by week if you have that flexibility. Your dad will be worried about you, and it's important for him to see that you're a capable, independent, young adult. It doesn't mean you have to be stoic all the time... you just need to show him that you will get through this and survive, of course with the help and support of all your family. One of the most important gifts loved ones can give to a dying person is the reassurance that, although they will miss them, life will go on for them. In implicit and explicit ways, tell him you know he is worried about his family, but that you all will be alright.</p>

<p>Often when I'm with patients and families who are coping so incredibly appropriately, I will remark to the patient that they're being well taken care of. When they agree with it (they always do, and are enormously grateful), I tell them that the family obviously learned from someone with great wisdom, and I look the patient right in the eye so they know I'm talking about them. It's a small way of affirming them while at the same time acknowledging the strengths of those who care for them.</p>

<p>One day at a time, that's how you'll get through it.</p>

9

<p>I'm sorry to hear about your dad's illness. Having lost my father to cancer, I know how finding out about the diagnosis will put you through the emotional wringer, and how the prognosis is, at best, a guesstimate. Only you can decide what to do. I don't have much to add to the good advice you have from other posters except to say that it's probably not a good idea to withdraw in the middle of a quarter and get a string of W's unless you find you can't focus on your studies. I think taking a subsequent quarter off would be better.</p>

<p>Maybe one thing to do is imagine yourself ten years from now, looking back. It might also help to make a list of the pros and cons of taking a quarter off vs not taking time off, but in the end I suspect that the decision will come more from your heart than your head. You're a good, caring person, and whatever choice you make, your dad will know that you love him. </p>

<p>If you can, maybe talk over the situation with an academic advisor or professor you know and can trust and see if there's a procedure at your college for taking time off for family reasons. As others have pointed out, you don't have to rush into this decision. Take care of yourself and know that, whatever you decide, you're doing the best you can in an extremely difficult situation.</p>

10

<p>I agree with Teriwtt, especially the third paragraph. I've been there, and the best tonic I found was the knowledge that my loved ones could cope without me.</p>

11

<p>Everyone deals with the death of a family member in different ways and you need to do what is best for you and not what you feel other people expect you to do.</p>

<p>Me, I have lost my dad to cancer, mother in a car accident and a brother to suicide. I was not in college at the time but I never felt a need to take time off nor did I feel terribly distracted from my work. In fact quite the opposite, resuming work took my mind off the untimely deaths of mom and my brother.</p>

<p>You should ask yourself what you would do if you took a semester off following your dad's death. You would definitely be interrupting your life by doing so but that might be what you need to do. Just recognize that death is just as much a part of life as living is. And because you are not as close to your dad as you would have liked, try to correct that deficience in the months ahead by visits if possible, phone calls, cards and letters. It is an opportunity which you have been given that many in your situation never had.</p>

12

<p>If it were me and one of my kids took a year off of school, I'd feel like it was a Death Watch, with my son anxiously waiting for me to get it over wtih so he could get back to his normal life. But talk to your mom. She may really need you to be around.</p>

13

<p>I'm so sorry for your dad. You might want to join a support group...there might be other students at your college in a similar situation; if not at your college, maybe in the community.</p>

14

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<p>Your decision is a very personal one. Do what feels right for you and your family. BUT I have to say, I cannot see the wisdom in planning to withdraw in the MIDDLE of a quarter. Either enroll and plan to finish or don't enroll.</p>

15

<p>I also agree with the stay at school, but be flexible idea.
You could ask your father how he feels about it. Although it would probably be great to have you at home, what would you do while you were there? Would you enroll at a local college? If not, it might actually make him feel worse about what you'd be missing at school.
I'm guessing most parents would prefer their kids continue to live their lives as normally as possible, considering the situation.
My father died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was home on break from college one year. We weren't close, and even though I was there when he died, there was no time for goodbye. These are things you DO have time for, whether at school, or just home for vacations and weekends. I would make the best of those times with him, and go for quality rather than quantity.</p>