I didn’t realize this was a thing, but my DD has it. Four weeks ago, she returned home from four months in London, where she lived independently in a dorm, enjoyed all that the city has to offer, and fell in with a non-student crowd of musicians when she went to a local open-mic night. She even dated one for several weeks, and fell hard for him. They were still hot and heavy when she got on a plane to come home in April.
Suddenly, she was back in Quiet Suburb, USA, with none of her friends even home from college or their study-abroad programs. Suffice it to say that there were two weeks of misery and tears. At least she had an internship in the Big City that would start in May, I thought. That would keep her busy and she’d be immersed in city life again and all it had to offer.
And she is busy and immersed in work. But she’s working long days, goes to the gym after work, and then has a hellishly long commute back to Quiet Suburb. I try to make things easier for her by cooking for her and picking her up at a more convenient train station so her train ride home isn’t quite so long. Some of her friends are now home, and she’s seeing them. But she’s still crying a lot. Still talking about and exchanging texts with the guy in London and her musician friends. All along the plan was to move to the Big City after college and get a job–now she’s talking about grad school in London, just so she can go back. Maybe she’ll meet a nice guy here, I thought. She stayed with a friend in the Big City this past weekend and they went out clubbing and met a few, including one who seemed interested in her. However, she could not be less interested in any male who is American right now.
The funny thing is, she had a terrific semester last fall at school, and she’s living with those same friends when she returns this fall. It’s not like she doesn’t love her college. She does.
I listen when she complains, and I’ve urged her to call up her old therapist and see her as well (if she can find the time–she’s determined to travel at least every other weekend). Will this pass? Should I be worried?
Is there any option for her to live in the city where her internship is, rather than the “hellishly long commute back to Quiet Suburb”? I realize that living in her own apartment would be cost prohibitive, but I’m wondering whether she could find a summer sublet in a shared housing situation with roommates near her own age. I think part of the problem is that by the time you see her she’s exhausted. Perhaps the friend she stayed with last weekend would be a possibility?
@calmom, we talked about it, and she’s unsure whether that would alleviate her depression. Right now she’s finding the city kind of overwhelming, although she certainly loves the extra time she has when she stays over with friends who live there. Of course, it would cost every cent she earns. She’d have to dip into savings. It might be worth it.
Give it time. If she’s handling a job, hanging out with friends, going out, she doesn’t sound like she’s necessarily seriously depressed. Sounds like she left a good chunk of her heart over in London with a guy and friends. On the positive side, she had a wonderful time studying abroad - one she’ll remember the rest of her life. Maybe she’ll return to being happy here. Maybe she’ll figure out a way to go back to the UK and make a life there. Things like that do happen as well. Four weeks isn’t that long of a time yet.
Seems as though your daughter is suffering from a broken heart. Just part of life. Crying can be a healthy way to release emotions & to readjust. Staying busy & social should alleviate her temporary condition. Better to have fond memories than miserable ones.
I agree that the boyfriend is the big missing piece … I was just thinking she might feel better if she was in an apartment hanging out with same-age young adults in the evenings after work, rather than a long train ride followed by hanging with the parents. I realize that might be cost-prohibitive – I just think that the OP is getting the tail end of a very exhausting day for DD and so is seeing her at her most fragile point of the day.
Grad school in London sounds fine, unless she expects you to fund it. But if my kid wanted to move there and work after college, I wouldn’t discourage it.
Don’t know if you approve of the BF or not (or maybe don’t know enough to be sure). D1’s fiance’s parents bought him an international plane ticket once as a gift to go see her when one of them was in a bit of a rough patch (they had been dating about a year). Not sure if that would be good or bad in this situation, but just another approach to consider.
Many moons ago, I had that same experience. Took me several weeks - if not the whole summer - to reacclimate back to life here - just the food, freedom and schedule alone not to mention minus the BF who I traveled all over Europe with. Remember, we had no cell phones or internet, as well, so that made keeping in communication with my friends even more difficult.
For me it took several months…maybe even most of my senior year to “snap out of it” and even at that, the relationship was the kicker. My college friends couldn’t relate because they weren’t there with me, and the one person who could…the guy…was far away. It was a huge adjustment for me to come home - and at one point I almost didn’t (THAT conversation did not go on well with my mom - lol).
I said the same about heading back after graduation and time took care of that.
While I don’t know your daughter, hopefully the tears will get less and less as time goes on - it’s almost like a grieving process in some ways. Talk to her, love her and listen. She’s really dealing with a loss. For me, it was the most “perfect” time in my life BH (Before Husband - haha). It was like a movie with the guy, the backpacks, the travel, the friends, the freedom - all in a magical place. It was really a fairytale. And the beautiful thing is, I left the fairytale without blemishes, so I still - 27 years later - look back and smile…and remember the beauty of those 7 months. I still say that part of my heart will always be in Spain…
Reverse culture shock. it’s a thing, even after only four months. It’s hard to come home. It’s underwhelming. Everything’s the same, but she’s different. While she was away she re-examined her life and her values. She was able, probably for the first time, to view her life from afar. Now at home, people around are the same and don’t understand how she’s changed.
Here’s one article about reverse culture shock. There are lots more. You can search.
Sounds like grief. She’s grieving the exciting experience of living, studying, and falling in love overseas, while at the same time all the rigor, realities, and responsibilities of her real, everyday college, work and home life were temporarily suspended. It is an adjustment, and with time will likely pass. If the young man is “the one” then maybe going back, or back and forth will become a new reality.
It’s wonderful that she had such a great experience. Just accepting her feelings can be helpful.
This happened to me, too, a long time ago, and it did take time- but it was a complex reaction to coming home that I still think about and that had some effects longer term on my life.
I think talking to a therapist is a good idea as long as she understands there is “nothing wrong with her.” It just might be good to have a neutral person to discuss her feelings with.
I imagine the BF is a big factor but the whole magical experience must have been intoxicating- new interesting friends, living in London, romance…a new identity. The return is not only to the US and to home but to an old identity that she no longer feels fits.
So I don’t think it is necessarily a matter of grief resolving or waiting it out. I do think this kind of thing can be a potent and life-changing matter of identity.
I would be concerned, not because this is a bad thing, but because she will need help integrating this new sense of herself and she may feel that London is the only place she can be this new self, but that is not true. And returning may not recapture the magic either.
She needs to understand the strength of her feelings and how they relate to identity, and how to resolve that now so she can return to college and friends.
She probably has a strong sense of "before’ and “after” and anything that is “before” may depress her, including college and friends.
I also wonder if she can visit the BF or if he can come over to the US, or if the relationship was not at that level and the distance makes that clear.
Like @compmom I’d also bet money on cultural adjustment and re-entry factors. Pick up copies of “The art of crossing cultures” and “The art of coming home”, both by Craig Storti. Lots of good ideas in both books about getting used to a new place and getting re-used to an old place after some time away. Certain adjustment issues have very predictable patterns and timeframes. Looking at those will help her understand what she is experiencing now, and help her decide which factors (if any) are worth trying to sort through first.
I definately had that reverse culture shock - spent a year in China and yes there was a bf (later married him…) but mainly my friends from HS and college just couldn’t understand anything about my experience, how I felt changed and how I felt everyone else was just stagnant and boring. I slowly came back to center and moved on. It takes time and it’s a process like mourning that life you left back in that foreign country.
I’ve lived overseas for twenty-one years, spending most of the summer in Maine each year. It is weird to go home to the US. Silly things like TV commercials or the relatively gigantic American portions of food in restaurants can be shocking. You get remarkably cut off from American trends. We plan to return to the states permanently in a few more years. It’s going to have some challenges. Some of my colleagues really should have already retired, they are burnt out, but they don’t because they are hesitant to make that leap to returning stateside after so many years away.
add me to the list of those who can relate. I was 23 and moved across country for a job. I had never been to Europe so decided to take 2 months before I started my new job to travel. I had an amazing trip with a diverse group of people. Every day was intense and interesting. When I left those people and started my new job and settled in a set routine with people who were in their own life of families, kids, work. The relationships were much slower to develop and more routine. I felt very sad, alone, and totally out of sorts like someone had just pulled the floor out from under me. I really wanted to quit and go back. Something inside told me the excitement would wear off and I knew I would regret it so I just went through a periled of sadness. The feelings eventually got replaced with new relationships.
I do think time will help. But I also think she might just chuck her life here and go back to London. I think it is a normal part of life at that age. You don’t know who you really are, what you want your life to be like, what you believe in, etc… If she isn’t harming herself ( of course we don’t know her psychological history, so take any advice with that in mind) I would let her figure it out herself and give her support. Don’t try to control it or look at it as a disorder just because she is crying and grieving the loss of her life in London. Sounds like you are there for her, that is all you can do. This is probably just as hard on you because she is an adult and you can’t fix her problems any more.