Preventing Roommate Problems...Help?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Hi. I need help with my roommate arrangements for this fall. This will be my first time sharing a room with a stranger, and seeing how I’m a pretty private person, I’m concerned about several things. Some of the following may seem a bit selfish/presumptuous, but I want to avoid as many problems as possible.
I don’t expect my roommate to be my best friend, or even a friend for that matter, but I do want to stay on pleasant terms with her.
Sooo…</p>

<p>I have a tendency to get into certain types of patterns with people. One of the most annoying is this: people are always borrowing stuff from me/ always using my belongings. I know this may sound a bit territorial, but I DO NOT want this pattern to start up with my roommate. I NEVER ask to borrow anything from others, but I always get friends wanting to borrow my clothes, people wanting to borrow my old tests (in classes where the teacher uses the same test each year)… Basically, anything I have that they like, they think that they can just help themselves to it.</p>

<p>I am NOT comfortable with this type of relationship – I DO NOT like lending my stuff out even to the closest of friends. The problem is that I can’t say no from the beginning because I don’t want to be rude/mean, so they just get used to using my stuff and never bother to invest in their own. As you can imagine, it’s difficult to stop this pattern after it’s been going on for a while.</p>

<p>So, my question is, how do I gently but firmly let my roommate know that she is not welcome to using my stuff (in case she starts asking)?</p>

<p>I don’t want to lend her my money, my clothes, or anything else. I don’t want her to get into the habit of using my personal printer (ink is EXPENSIVE, and it’s unnecessary wear and tear on the machine). I don’t want her even crossing to my side of the room. I don’t want to let her try on my makeup to “see how the color looks” on her (I think sharing makeup is gross). I don’t want her getting into the habit of chattering away at me every time I’m the room, thus distracting me from more important matters. This may all sound crazy, but I just have certain boundaries that I don’t want her to cross (at least until I know for sure what kind of person she is).</p>

<p>So, how do I shut her down without making her upset/ making her feel rebuffed? If you were in her position, how would you want me to handle this?</p>

<p>Thanks in advance for you advice. </p>

<p>P.S. My parents are no help with this whatsoever. They just tell me that I’m approaching this situation with a negative attitude. I’m not though – I’m hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Most likely, I’ll get something in between. </p>

<p>Zizi</p>

2

<p>It will be ok, seriously. You really need to learn to say "no", and I know you don't want to and you don't want to seem like a brat, but seriously, at some point or other, it's something you need to learn. You can learn it now, when you're at school and somebody wants to borrow your clothes, or you can learn it a couple years down the line when people at work keep throwing more and more work onto you because you just let people walk all over you.</p>

<p>That being said, Richmond has a roommate contract that the roommates have to discuss the first few nights on campus and sign. There are three copies: one goes to the RA, one goes to the head of housing, and one stays in the room. This is so that if there is a problem, you can refer to the rooming contract and the problem is (hopefully) solved. If not, you can take it up the chain of command. The contract is great because it asks you to write down what you agree to do about all sorts of things, like playing music, what time you plan on going to bed, when friends can come over, who cleans the room/how you divide cleaning up, overnight guests, etc. There's also a space for sharing things, so you have the option to write "No" or "Ask first", etc. </p>

<p>It works well, I think, but you really need to say "no" yourself.</p>

3

<p>at first it seemed like your requirements were reasonable. until I got to this sentence:

[quote]
I don’t want her even crossing to my side of the room.

[/quote]

that just seems excessive and difficult. dorm rooms are tiny, I don't think you can expect to have half the room only to yourself.</p>

4

<p>i had exactly the same reaction as above poster. I stopped once i hit that line, and now i just think you're being ridiculous.</p>

5

<p>this is phreakish and scary</p>

6

<p>I know that sentence may seem like I'm being too picky. Really, I wouldn't mind if she had to be on my side to get something that she needed, or just for a little while to look at something. But I was thinking more along the lines of her just STAYING there forever, talking my head off. I've had this problem with friends. They come over to my house and they just won't leave, even when I try dropping subtle hints to indicate that it's time to get going.They just stay and stay and stay...</p>

<p>Perhaps, in this respect, living in the same room is different than having someone over at your house. However the point that I was trying to make (unsuccessfully) is that I would like to maintain some sense of personal space, so that not everything is shared. Maybe this is an unreasonable expectation for a dorm room. I don't know... I guess I just equate someone being in my space with them holding my attention. I will not be able to relax if it's going to be like that. I really hope that she won't be the chatty type. (Not that I have anything against these types...they just exhaust me really quickly.)</p>

<p>Person above me: care to expound on your less than wordy response?</p>

<p>Zizi</p>

7

<p>wow, you will possibly go down in history as the worse roommate ever, in the history of EVER EVER and EVER</p>

8

<p>buy generic ink online (like abcink.com) , not the brand name stuff, it's overpriced. There, now you won't be AS concerned about her using your printer.</p>

<p>A lot of schools have roommate contracts as already mentioned. On that first day you can tell your roomie exactly how territorial you are. You can just tell her "I know we don't know eachother yet, but I just wanted to let you know that I really don't like sharing my stuff. I have personal space issues"</p>

<p>I don't really like people using my stuff either, especially without permission, mainly because I either don't think they will return it in a timely manner, or they won't return it in the same condition.</p>

<p>I also think you're picturing the roommate from hell since you've never shared a room before. Most people would be respectful of each other's personal space. So once you tell her that you don't really want to share stuff, she shouldn't do it unless she's purposely trying to make you mad or it's an emergency situation, (like she prints off a report before it's due and her printer runs out of ink, and there isn't time to buy more)</p>

<p>Another thing you didn't mention, surprisingly, is your bed. If your roomie has friends come over (or a study group), and maybe you aren't there, will everyone have to sit on the floor or can they sit on your bed as a couch? Just something else to think about for when you're discussing your need for privacy & personal space that first day.</p>

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<p>zizi, college is going to be good for you. From what you've written, you can't say no. People have got into the habit of borrrowing stuff from you, and you've got into the habit of always giving it to them without standing up for yourself.</p>

<p>Well. You can either let the past continue, or decide you want to change things. My guess is you want the latter. So make it happen. You can ask your RA for advice. You can talk to someone at the counseling center about how to be assertive without being aggressive. You can ask other people how they handle it. The only way you lose is if you do nothing.</p>

10

<p>Thanks, those of you who've offered helpful advice.</p>

<p>The bed thing...I didn't even think of that. I don't think I'd want random people sitting on my bed. Hopefully there would be enough chairs for them to sit on. However, if it was a choice between having them sit on the floor or having them sit on my bed, of course I'd let them use my bed. HOWEVER, I would not want this to become a regular thing... people camping out on my bed. I would hope that the roommate would buy some cheap fold-out chairs if her friends come over often. I don't even sit on my bed when I'm at home. </p>

<p>I do hope though that her friends don't come over too often, otherwise I'll not be able to spend much time in my room. I'm quite a private person - I can't stand being around lots of people for extended periods of time. I've seen videos where the dorm room door was left OPEN during the day and people were just wandering in and out! Needless to say, I was pretty upset. Is this normal for dorm life?</p>

<p>I'd feel quite unsafe in such a situation, especially if the door was left unlocked at night. Also, I'd worry about my stuff being stolen. It's not like there's any accountability when just anyone can enter the room at any time. </p>

<p>I would LOVE to have a contract with my roommate like some of you described, but my college doesn't do this, and I'd probably come across as overbearing if I were to suggest a signed contract.</p>

11

<p>You just have to set down ground rules when you move in.
1) I don't like people borrowing/using my stuff, esp. without asking.
2) I'd greatly prefer if I was the only one who used my bed.
3) I'd like if we could have set times for friends to visit, so that we can have quiet time in the room to study.
4) I want to make sure we always lock the door when neither of us are here, or we are sleeping.
etc, etc.
Just make up some rules you'd like to go by, and ask her if she has anything to add. It's not unreasonable, and I wish I'd done it my freshman year.</p>

12

<p>wow
ppl are way too uptight
i hope i get a laidback roommate</p>

13

<p>Go get yourself a single.</p>

14

<p>
[quote]
Go get yourself a single.

[/quote]

best advice</p>

15

<p>I did apply for a single, but unfortunately, I didn't get one. Hopefully I'll get one next year.</p>

16

<p>She'll most likely be very receptive and respectful to and of you wanting your space and not wanting to lend out your stuff. However, you can't simply coexist and never really talk to her. It's her room too; as long as she's not having people in your stuff or having guests in the wee hours, she has every right to have guests. You might need to give her a few sheets of computer paper when she's up at midnight finally finishing her paper. I'm not saying that she's should be able to walk all over you(and if your friends get away with it, you need to talk to them), but there will be understandings, compromises, and give/take between you. You do little favors for her every so often and she'll do it in return. Just relax, talk to her about your feelings, and listen to what she says back. It will most likely be fine.</p>

17

<p>I think some of your demands are quite unreasonable. You are coming into the rooming situation with a laundry list of demands that you just have to have or you'll be miserable. With a shared room environment you just can't do that. You can't get everything you want and to expect that you can is to be completely unreasonable. This kind of attitude is one that will inevitably lead to major conflict and problems. When you have your own room it's your room your rules. When you're sharing the room your roommate has just as much right to the room as you do. It's not fair to expect her to bow down to all of your demands. She has a right to be in the room, hang out there with her friends, walk through the entire room, not just her side, etc. You can't expect a shared room to be the equivalent to your room at home, just with an extra person. It doesn't work that way. So I'd suggest either compromise on these issues or try as hard as you can to get a single. It sure sounds like you need one. While I do think it's important to set ground rules and boundaries with a roommate, yours seem much more restrictive than most. You should talk to your roommate and come up with some more reasonable agreements. I'm sure if your demands are reasonable she'll be totally cool with them. </p>

<p>This response may sound a little mean or hostile, but I've come from a situation with a roommate who was just a lot like you. She didn't know how to compromise on anything, wanted her way in the room all the time, set ridiculous rules and expectations. Let me tell you it doesn't turn out well, for either person involved.</p>

18

<p>"I know that sentence may seem like I'm being too picky. Really, I wouldn't mind if she had to be on my side to get something that she needed, or just for a little while to look at something. But I was thinking more along the lines of her just STAYING there forever, talking my head off. I've had this problem with friends. They come over to my house and they just won't leave, even when I try dropping subtle hints to indicate that it's time to get going."</p>

<p>The problem isn't your friends. It's your passivity.</p>

<p>You need to learn how to politely tell people it's time to leave. You can say something like, "I've got to study now. I've enjoyed talking to you, but I've got to get to my school work so you need to go home now."</p>

<p>With your roommate you could say, "I'm going to bed now, so I can't talk." "I've got a paper that I need to write now, so I can't talk now." "I've had a really stressful day, so right now I just need some quiet time. Let's talk tomorrow (or after exams, etc..)"</p>

<p>When you first start rooming together, I think it would be a good idea for both of you to talk about things that warm your heart when another person does it and things that really tick you off when another person does it. Start with the warm your heart things, and so you don't seem like the roommate from hell, have at least as many heart warming things on your list as things that tick you off.</p>

<p>You are more likely to have a comfortable rooming situation if you take the time to do some heart warming things for your roommate instead of being on guard all of the time that your roomie will do things that bother you.</p>

<p>I agree with the person who suggested that there will be times in which your roommate or you may need to borrow things from the other person. Have some flexibility with this. Would you really not let your roommate use your printer if hers broke, it was 4 a.m. and she had a paper do for her 8:00 class?</p>

<p>Would you really not ask her to loan you some tampons or sanitary napkins if your period started at midnight and you didn't any tampons or napkins?</p>

19

<p>I know someone with a design for a box that just might help you...</p>

<p>In seriousness though, wow, where to even start.</p>

<p>You've got the interesting problem of getting walked all over AND being very territorial. The way to fix this is to set up some sort of guidelines with your roommate. Look, I'll be honest, you really should not care if your roommate wants to borrow a pan or something from you. That's just being a jerk to say no. If you don't feel comfortable with her using your make-up or something (understandable) then you should just tell her no if she ever asks. Make sure you're nice about it though, something along the lines of "I have this thing about sharing makeup" or something like that.</p>

<p>Really though, unless you have a good reason why you SHOULDN'T share something, you should. Unless your roommate starts taking advantage of you, of course, but give her the benefit of a doubt going in. The "crossing onto your side of the room" thing is a bit insane. You're going to be living in one room with another person. You don't get a nice 10 square feet of personal space. You get your desk and bed and the rest is common area for the both of you. You really need to get over that now.</p>

<p>Another thing. Read this
"They just tell me that I’m approaching this situation with a negative attitude. I’m not though "
then this
"So, how do I shut her down ".</p>

<p>Give her the benefit of a doubt going in! If you're easy to work with and get along with she'll reciprocate.</p>

<p>As for friends, yes, she's going to have friends come over and hang out. That's college. The only time you really have a reason to speak up against it or anything is if they're over late or you've got to study, but you shouldn't be studying in your dorm room anyway. That's why your school built you a library. There's not going to be enough chairs, and people sitting on your bed isn't that big of a deal.</p>

<p>People only leave the door open (or at least are only supposed to) when one of you are in the room. And then you SHOULD leave the door open. Don't you want to meet new people? You come off as not very social, but still. Leave your door open. It's totally reasonable (and smart) to want your door locked at night and when no one is there, though.</p>

20

<p>No sisters or siblings Huh? This could be a very good experience for you, to get you out of that VERY VERY small box. That being said, some things are reasonable and being friendly first will go a long way.</p>

<p>The bed, extra furniture is not very realistic. I do agree with the sitting on the bed, especially in street clothes, not every one feels this way. An option is to have a thin extra blanket that is on your bed that you just fold down at night, then you are not sleeping on it, but you also don't have to say "Get off my bed".</p>

<p>Sharing is a very good quality to learn, it leads to learning to compromise which is an important life skill. Also learning to say "no" is important and it can be done nicely.</p>

<p>Learn to be Flexible, you might enjoy yourself.</p>