<p>Put in more substance in Mohammed, maybe a short recollection or something, and paragraph your essay somehow. Maybe divide when you’re talking about what happened specifically and when you’re talking in a general sense? And focus your essay. Don’t try to touch on everything, and be more specific to the point. and I agree, make the transitions more natural. It’s fairly choppy right now.</p>
<p>How long have you been working on it?</p>
<p>I mean not long. I literally whipped up the draft that i posted in 15-20 minutes. But i have started editing it now, and have been working on little changes for a while</p>
<p>PM me please!</p>
<p>I’ll read and give you feedback</p>
<p>i’ll read it! pm it over</p>
<p>i’d love to read it.</p>
<p>I would really like to read it, pm me!</p>
<p>I’d love to read it. Please PM me!</p>
<p>I will read it! Will you send it to me?</p>
<p>I’d love to read! PM me</p>
<p>I am class of 2014, but I have finished my essay too</p>
<p>I can help you, PM me!</p>
<p>It’s posted on page 3. . . .</p>
<p>It’s like a bunch of robots, lol.</p>
<p>i’ll read it! :)</p>
<p>Send a PM.
First post ftw.</p>
<p>PM please!</p>
<p>i lovedd your essay! i agree that mohammed should have more of a purpose. i think it really shows your passion for math, but i think that this part “Math had never really challenged me. I’d never had any trouble grasping the concept of what was going on in math class, nor had I ever omitted an answer on a math test. I had gotten some wrong, due to careless mistakes, but none had really challenged me.” is a little too … braggy? i think it could be said in a more positive way</p>
<p>just a little grammatical error i noticed - “but I had a passion about music and soccer too” … i’m not 100% on this but i’m pretty sure that it has to be a passion FOR music and soccer. you can be passionATE about something but you have a passion for something</p>
<p>the beginning really grabbed my attention, but it also led me to believe, as others said, that the essay would be about diversity or learning about other cultures. maybe you could just include more exchange between you and mohammed? it just feels like mohammed is in the background of the essay </p>
<p>i reallyyyy liked it though! the actual writing is veryyy good and i’m sure that after some editing it’ll be amazing!</p>
<p>please i would love to! i already have mine done dont worry, i’m just curious as to see how others have approached it</p>
<p>Hey I’d be happy to look it over for you! PM me :)</p>
<p>PM me …
I’ll be happy to read it and give you some feedback !</p>