Problem is worse, and at my wits end...need some serious advice

Parents Forum
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<p>Well as much as I was so hoping to not have to write another thread, I am back with more bad news. I had written another thread a few months ago about our son, who just took a really bad path and had to leave his top tier college after succumbing to smoking pot (basically addicted as we found out) and was depressed, and just not doing well overall, so we brought him home, to be here, so that we could get him the help he very much needed, and so that he could continue with his studies but do so at a local college where we could monitor him; he was clearly in a state of distress and needed us.</p>

<p>This threw us for a huge loop, one we were not prepared for, ( I would suspect most families rarely are) But we dealt with it and were given a lot to deal with at once. We opted for intensive therapy a few times a week, in addition to him starting on an anti depressant. Unfortunately, after giving this almost 4 weeks....we have found out that he has been stealing and smoking pot very often, buying it behind our back in larger doses than we would like to admit, being very deceitful, just incredibly manipulative and has lied to get whatever he wanted (the pot) even to the therapist, not even sure he has really been taking the meds as he has been telling all of us all along. This has all just come out in the open....I found out after locating some of the pot and coming across some suspicious credit card activity. Needless to say this was devastating.</p>

<p>My husband abruptly had to leave town to go tend to a very sick relative on the west coast, and might have to be there for the week, so I am home trying to come to grips with the shock of the situation. I haven't even told my husband as this happened the day he as leaving and he was so distraught about his Uncle that I just couldn't burden him with this bombshell. I was thinking real progress was maybe being made, but all the while he has been smoking very regularly, stealing, lying, now admitting not doing great in this school either, and when I got someone to download the history on his computer because at this point I felt I just wanted and needed to know everything, 99% of what he does online has to do with pot, researching about it,etc.....this is beyond troubling. Even if he was taking the meds, there is no conceivable way they have been given a fair shot at working properly. So the depression, social anxiety and pot addiction continue.</p>

<p>I know based upon the many private messages and posts that have been sent, that many have had family members who have had addiction problems or problems in general with pot. This is all very new to me. My husband and I are very straight people, this is a foreign world to us. His therapist is away until April 27th out of the country. I really haven't opened up to anyone close to us about the gravity of his situation. I feel like what we are doing is not working. I feel like this situation is truly toxic to my family and our home life. It can't go on and furthermore, this is very toxic to his young life. I don't' know what to do. </p>

<p>Bottom line, is it time to give him a dose of major "tough love", we have done EVERYTHING, footed the bill for his college for a year and a half, got him a car, gave him a debit card, clothes, spending money, you name it, it was his, we only asked for him to do well. He didn't and we gave him a therapist, the support and any resources he needed....even that wasn't enough, now he stole from us and continues to slap us in the face by smoking pot and stealing. I feel like we have done it all short of throwing him out on the street, and letting him see what life really is all about and maybe getting a cold dose of reality and seeing that life really is not all that cushy, and that to make it in the world, you need an education, and a sound mind and body to function. </p>

<p>Any true sound advice that would be applicable to our situation would be so appreciative. I am truly feeling at all time low right now and just trying to gather my thoughts and figure out what the next step is. I am so concerned for him and his well being and future, but have two others to protect, as well as the sanity of myself and my husband. He is a very lost kid right now, who is on a very self destructive path and I am just at a loss myself as to what kind of parenting he needs right now. I switch from infuriating anger to total sympathy for the obvious sad and lonely place he must be in right now. Help!</p>

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<p>A place where you, as a family member of a drug-user, can find help and support. </p>

<p>[About</a> Nar-Anon](<a href=“http://nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/About_Nar-Anon.html]About”>http://nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/About_Nar-Anon.html)</p>

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<p>Hi WipedoutMom: My heart goes out to you. I didn’t reply to your earlier thread, but I did follow it. I have friends who are going through something very similar, and they are heartbroken. So sad, and so angry at the same time, understandably so. What you have just described is the really ugly side of addictive behavior; the substance becomes, in that moment, more important than any loving family relationship, friendships, or presumably internalized morals (don’t steal, and --especially not from your family). It is easier to empathize with depression and social anxiety. Did your/his therapist leave a back up phone number (on call therapist)? They very often do, and that person might give you some guidance as to immediate next steps until the “regular” therapist returns. You may need to switch to a “tougher” position, but probably best to do so with the input of someone trained, who knows your child, whether the best next move is a rehab program or something else. Please continue to take care of yourself as you navigate this difficult situation. (My oldest sibling had substance/alcohol problems many long years ago. He did leave this behind, and went on to marry, raise kids, hold steady jobs, etc. This was many years ago, so I don’t have suggestions regarding treatment and best family tactics; just empathy for your struggle…(and for your son’s)) sending you good thoughts</p>

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<p>Tough love is the right choice as difficult as it may be. </p>

<p>You need to be frank on why he will get thrown out on his own (because he is a drug user) and please clear with him that he is on his own now.</p>

<p>You need to not excuse his actions or find reasons why.</p>

<p>You need to be clear with family members and friends why he was thrown out (because he used drugs and you do not support that)</p>

<p>And you need to let him know that if he chooses to be clean in the future, he will be more than welcome to be part of your life.</p>

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<p>I’m really sorry you are going through this. I would think the next step would be an ultimatum…entering voluntarily a residential rehab program or out.</p>

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<p>wipedoutmom-
I suggest you wait until you can discuss the situation with the therapist before you take any drastic actions. This will be difficult. You must be feeling frustrated, betrayed, hurt, used, etc. And the urge to do something NOW must be very strong. A year from now, I doubt that you will regret waiting a week to make a major decision. My heart goes out to you. I don’t know how I would handle your situation; I continue to be impressed with the honesty, strength and love I see in your posts.</p>

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<p>I second mafool. I am very, very sorry for your situation. Do not be ashamed; there are more people than you think who deal with this or similar-type issues. It does not reflect on you as a parent in the least. My heart goes out to you as well. Please make sure to take care of yourself. If that involves getting your own therapist to pour your heart out to, that is fine.</p>

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<p>Thanks…the thing is that so far the rehab centers I have looked into don’t really have treatment programs for marijuana it is for more traditional hard core “drugs”. I am going to have to do more research.</p>

<p>Re the therapist, she is in the Orient so there is not a forwarding number for her, but she did leave me a number for her colleague however we have never met him and frankly I am not interested in speaking to someone who has never met my son nor is updated on his situation,or who I don’t think could properly dispense advice given this recent turn of events.</p>

<p>I would rather try to hold down the fort until she returns. He knows I am very very angry and extremely disappointed. I am practically unable to even talk to him. It is very rare for me to get to this point, he knows this and he sees that he has really crossed a line here.
I am just crushed and really hurt by the lying, the deceit and the shattering of trust. I feel like we have taken many hundreds steps back. I also feel like he needs to go away, far away from us, from this household, to get himself together and to distance himself from us for awhile, to realize what he has and to be able to step back and cherish the life he has been given. To sober up and pinch himself and realize how he is messing up some of the best days of his youth. He has so much promise and it is devastating to see that he is doing this to himself. I am perplexed beyond words.</p>

<p>In my heart, I do feel like tough love, with him is what might work. It feels like all the support and all the giving that we have done has just fueled his hunger for more pot, and allowed him to sink deeper into his depression without any concern to those who love and care for him. As I said I have never had to deal with anything remotely like this, so am at a loss. I am trying to find as much information online as I can, it is a great resource, and I have my work cut out for me. I am going to try to remain calm and keep things status quo until his therapist comes back and get her advice on how to proceed from here given what has transpired in the last few days. </p>

<p>Clearly what we thought was working is not working and we need a new course of action.</p>

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<p>So sorry, wipedoutmom. Very sorry.</p>

<p>I agree ^^ that you should speak with your therapist before you make any decisions, but I suspect the time has come to say, “I love you, but you are now an adult. Best of luck with your life”. Sometimes the hardest thing we can do as parents is let go.</p>

<p>Best of luck, I hold you in my prayers.</p>

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<p>My heart goes out to you as well. I followed your previous thread with interest. As I recall, you also have two younger children, and this must be affecting them as well.</p>

<p>I am in no way an expert, but I can give sympathy and my layman’s response. If I were your spouse, I’d want to know what was happening. I think everything must feel worse because you feel you have to bear this on your own because your husband is away. I would call my spouse and tell him what I’ve discovered.</p>

<p>In my very humble, nonexpert opinion, it is time for a residential treatment program, so your son’s access to pot is limited.</p>

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<p>If he were under 18 years old, you could make him go away to a treatment facility/regimen/camp. But now he must agree to go or you must kick him out or figure out a way to coexist for the short term. I hope his therapist can work with you to figure out next steps. I also hope that you have a therapist of your own through this.</p>

<p>Many have walked your path; there but for the inexplicable “grace of God” go the rest of us.</p>

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<p>My husband is saying goodbye to his uncle to whom he considers a “second dad”, I cannot burden him with another heartbreaking bit of news, I know my husband and I must trust my instincts, and my instincts say that this news can wait. In the scheme of things, this is nothing that hasn’t happened before, it is just something that we were hoping was behind us not ahead of us.</p>

<p>I appreciate however, your advice and opinion. We do have two teenaged children, thankfully who are grounded, very mature and high achievers who live very full and well rounded lives. Though they were initially very unsettled and quite disturbed about Chris’s return to the house, they soon understood what he was going through and we all accepted it for what it was. Naturally he is their brother, and they love him and want to see him at his best again. But, there is no doubt that this constant up and down, good and bad, high and low routine places a tremendous amount of stress on our household especially because before he came back, things were VERY calm.</p>

<p>In fact, they often had their friends over on the weekends, etc…and now they never do, they normally go TO their friends houses, because they never know what the dynamics might be on any given night, so yes there have been a lot of changes in this house and it has not been an easy transition for any of us. </p>

<p>A residential treatment program might indeed be a very realistic option for him, I would imagine this will be one of the options we will be looking into once the therapist returns. I did just leave a message through her messenger service, in case she is able to reach me from where she is- and we are able to talk sooner, I will explain what is going on, otherwise when she returns. </p>

<p>Thank you all for your support, knew I came to the right place.</p>

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<p>SO sorry to hear what is going on and that your first set of changes apparently did nothing. He apparently had not reached his “bottom.” As I understand it, the user must reach bottom before they can turn things around. I do not know if pot is actually addictive, but he certainly has habits & routines that are difficult to break.</p>

<p>At some point he must make the decision to quit all use for himself not for you, though it may be at a fork in the road which you provde:</p>

<p>Choose no drugs, daily or weekly drug testing, etc and live at home or perhaps rehab
Choose drugs and do not be a part of our lives.</p>

<p>Take some time to research & learn what works and what doesn’t, but when the time comes to draw your line, draw it firmly and with confidence and stick to it. He is lying not only to you, but to himself. If he remains on drugs you are making a mistake if you choose to believe ANYTHING he says, he is just a liar avoiding conflict and lying about every little thing that could cause it, from using drugs to who left the toothpaste out.</p>

<p>From the people I know who have dealt with this, they found strength when they stopped believing the user and believed firmly in the rules they set down. Some people found it worked right away :), some have been fighting the issues for several years :(</p>

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<p>I come from a family of addicts. Mostly alcohol. It is an insidious illness. Manipulation, lying, passive aggression, anger, etc. are all part of it. Normal social norms don’t function but can be manipulated by the intelligent addict.</p>

<p>This is not easy. Doubly difficult is deciding that, to help the addict, one must remove support. It must be triply difficult if one is the parent.</p>

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<p>I think that this is serious enough that Dad’s attention needs to be with his son, not his uncle. Your son needs to know that both of you are united in whatever action you take, plus you need your husband’s support. If Dad is still not aware of the situation, he needs to be informed right away.
Our hearts go out to you. Many of us have been there, or within a hair’s breadth of there…</p>

<p>oops cross post with family situation explaination</p>

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<p>Truth is, it probably isn’t the emergency as you feel it to be. This has probably continued for some time. And there’s good news for you: he hasn’t been arrested. But he was headed for this next disaster.</p>

<p>Here is what is new. You are sad to be dealing with this issue on your own, while your husband is distracted by other family matters and to the realization it hasn’t gone away. You need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your son. Explain that this is not a situation you will tolerate. He needs to make a change, but he’s the one who needs to be deciding to make it happen. Lay out the options oh-so-clearly. </p>

<p>It is non-negotiable to have him living under your roof, taking your money, paying tuition and therapists, but not having any “skin” in the game. He needs to know how much you put into this deal and that now he’s going to agree to the arrangement, or the $$ goes away.</p>

<p>He absolutely has to agree to a rehab to move away from the pot. He can’t shake it by himself. It’s clear he is addicted, so it’s not something he can “just reduce” on his own. He needs to de-tox. You will pay for this. You will then pay for therapists and the medicine to improve his depression. And you will pay for tuition once he’s ready to return. But if he does not agree to these steps, then he will have to get a job and pay rent. You will not pay for tuition, for therapists, and for spending money if he does not go to de-tox and take some time off. He is simply not ready (as much as we hope he is).</p>

<p>Remember that you love him, and that this situation is as difficult for you as it is for him. (It’s actually harder for you because you aren’t in control of the outcome, he is.) Good luck and keep us informed of what’s happening!</p>

<p>PS: although most rehabs focus on “hard drugs”, you should consider pot a hard drug too. Your son’s addiction is not just “recreational”.</p>

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<p>I will keep you posted on what happens…I do consider pot a drug, not necessarily a hard drug, but a drugs a drug. And by no means is his use recreational, it is ruining his life pure and simple. What I did say however is that many of the treatment centers do not have a program in place for marijuana specifically, they have them for traditional “hard drugs” like cocaine, heroin,etc…</p>

<p>This is where the therapist will be helpful, as I said earlier this is a very alien world to me…one I know nothing about. Yes, you are right, staying here like this cannot go on, I feel like a prisoner in my own home it is downright tormenting, and I feel like a shell of my former self. It is down right a violation to have taken from us as he has. Something must change, I know he cannot do it on his own, it is far beyond that. But I also know these are not decisions I can make on my own. I will have to wait it out for the week.</p>

<p>It is ashame because he said he doesn’t like himself and hasn’t for years, that he does this to escape, he truly cannot stand the person he is. I am sure mostly he is saying this for sympathy and of course with the way he has been for the last two years, who can blame him for not liking himself, he has been on a downward spiral. At the end of the day, though despite the immense pain and anger, I love him and more I pity him, I sense he is really suffering, feels very alone, very isolated and is just hurting. It is a very complex situation…how I pray for the day when things are back to normal…please tell me that day will come.</p>

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<p>Well, I haven’t read carefully everything here, but I’ve walked in your shoes. It is super critical that both your husband and you are on the same page. Your son can drive a wedge between the two of you if you’re not careful. Unless, your son sees the light, a therapist is pretty useless. You may end up throwing him out as we did. Although my son struggles mightily to stay off drugs and is on experimental medication, he has slipped from time to time. Fortunately he saw the light and realized in most cases that he needed help. At first it can be a very difficult road. When my son first went into rehab at 15, he glorified drugs and was actually a hindrance to the rehab process for the other people in the facility but finally after several more rehab visits, he began to understand. He is now 26 and getting his life together. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Yes, that day will come! He’s feeling really sorry that this situation has gotten so out of hand. He needs to understand how he is control of it though. It’s hard, because he is so depressed and that spiral thing takes over. Do you have other children that can be a good listener? He needs to know he can rebound to his former happy self and siblings help. What you need to find is other distractors too. If all he’s been doing is researched on pot, he needs to find some other interest. Go to the gym…take up cooking…plan a trip.</p>

<p>These may sound petty, but trying to find some other interests may help him think about his future, instead of hiding into his former ways.</p>

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<p>Your son may or may not be ready to get help, but you should get help for yourself…a good first step would be to go to al-anon. It will allow you to get some support and some other people so that it doesn’t get too much between you and your husband. This is really hard on the by-standers, in a lot of ways, until your son is ready to get better, it will be much harder on you than on him. So get some help. You can find a list of local al-anon meetings online by googling al-anon…you can usually use your zip code.</p>

<p>Don’t be embarrassed to go there. Everyone who is there will be there for a similar reason. </p>

<p>I’d recommend beyond that that you consider an intervention type thing, where you have a rehab lined up already and you give him a choice. If you call your local hospital, or nearest treatment center, they can help you with this.</p>

<p>Therapy is of limited value to people who are still using drugs, unless it is an addictions counselor…</p>

<p>good luck. take care of yourself.</p>