<p>Is there any way to find another therapist? Your son may like this therapist, since responsibility is deflected from him. In our experience, I have never heard of a therapist who blames the mom in this way. I suspect that some of these opinions may be coming from your son, and the therapist is doing some active listening, meaning not arguing the point, but if the therapist is actively coming up with ways to blame you, that is grossly inappropriate.</p>
<p>It is perfectly normal to stay up until your kids are home, by the way.</p>
<p>I think a more positive way to think of this might be that your son feels very close and connected to you, because you have done a great job raising him, provide a sense of safety and security, and love. This therapist should know that separation issues can be the hardest for kids whose connections with a parent have been most positive and close.</p>
<p>Here’s a story: my son did not visit home a lot during college, and after the first two years or so, he was quite argumentative, even mean to me, when he did come home. He was very critical of me, and talked about how his relationship with his family “was broken.” HIs girlfriend kept telling him that what he was experiencing was normal, during the transition from home to independence, but he experienced it as terrible loss, and even seemed angry at me about it.</p>
<p>In his last year, he had his wisdom teeth removed. I was called in while he was still under anesthesia, because he had asked for me. I found my son sobbing on the bed. He grabbed my head and pulled it down to his chest, saying “I love you so much. you have done so much for me, I don’t know why I am so awful to you, I love you…etc.” When he came to, he did not remember this, but that anesthesia is used as truth serum.</p>
<p>A good therapist will help both of you understand that some of these troubles come from the difficulties of separation for some sensitive kids who actually have been raised with loving parenting. I personally believe that a lot of the binge drinking and drugs going on on campuses, as well as some of the hooking up, are masking separation issues and alienation kids feel after leaving home abruptly. There must be something to soothe, and pot certainly fits the bill. Some kids react with self-sabotage as well, so that they have to go home.</p>
<p>My instinct would be to let your son be at home again, in a face-saving way. Treat him as an adult, not the kid he was, and let him get used to that function while he is still home. The threat of separation would make his lying worse, I would think. I think that increased feelings of safety would help, but not a blank check.</p>
<p>Give him as much autonomy in the solution as you can, too. I don’t think strict conditions will give him self-respect. Tell him you have decided to trust him, that you have a lot of respect for who he really is inside, and that you want to support him but not enable him. These things can be talked about explicitly.</p>
<p>Maybe school should wait and he could work, or work and do a course or two. He should decide what to do and have a plan, whatever it is.</p>
<p>Finally, find out if there are any mental health issues underlying any of this, that could be medicated. Do not use a therapist for this. Seek a good psychiatrist. Depression and social anxiety can be treated with meds, and support groups can help too. Sometimes these things are just physiological deficiencies in the brain (serotonin). Blame is not relevant, blame of you or of him. </p>
<p>This therapist sounds badly trained and counter-productive. Your son is over 18 and can manipulate the sessions as he pleases, with no reality check from you to the therapist. However, the real point is that a therapist who supports his views is not helping him.</p>
<p>By the way, my son has now been out of college for 2 years, working at a great job across the country from his family. We get along great, and he is doing fine.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>