Problem is worse, and at my wits end...need some serious advice

Parents Forum
161

<p>WOM, my deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband’s uncle. Though it was difficult on you, particularly after the situation with your son started to deteriorate, you made the right decision to <em>not</em> call you husband and burden him with that news at the same time he was saying goodbye to his uncle.</p>

<p>You’ve been dealt a very, very difficult hand. You and your family will (eventually) come through to the other side, although what that shoreline will look like cannot be anticipated yet.</p>

<p>You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.</p>

162

<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this struggle. Please, take time for yourself and your husband. This is a long journey that will require much energy from both of you. You are up to the task of helping your son repair himself, but only if you take time to nurture each other. Best wishes to you.</p>

163

<p>

</p>

<p>Well said bovertine. Each case is different and it’s really important for parents to follow their instincts as to what to do. Get advice from experts, especially if you are at your wits ends, but take all advice with a grain of salt. Maybe what will work is some combination of ideas that have been floated.</p>

164

<p>People get frightened; they look for the things they believe they did “right” which will protect them and thier children from pain or from unfortunate events. They stand on a soap box and preach down at the people whose lives have skid to a halt…</p>

<p>From personal experience, I can say that having something like this happen at a relatively young age can be an incredible blessing and can make for an intensely rewarding life. However, it wasn’t until I was a parent myself that I had any kind of understanding of the kind of unbelievable anxiety and fear this thing can cause in someone who is a bystander and who can do little but offer solution after solution…until, if they are lucky, something sticks.</p>

<p>Nobody escapes pain, failure or suffering in life. Also, most of us will experience moments of great joy and well-being, as well…</p>

<p>We overvalue the ability of parents, these days; we give them too much credit and we give them too much blame. It’s a natural outgrowth of a culture which believes that we can control everything…when we can’t.</p>

<p>I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. I’m also really encouraged to hear the way you and your husband and your son are problem-solving this together. I don’t hear you taking too much responsibility and I don’t hear you trying to avoid assisting your son in every way available to you…It also sounds as if your husband is involved.</p>

<p>All you can do is what you can do. After that, please try to remember to breathe and relax and do at least one nice thing for yourself every day, even if it is just to get out and take an hour walk and pay attention to the spring and the flowers. It might sound insane, but it can really help to just stay grounded in the moment you are in when the future seems scary and uncertain. Again, good luck to you and your family.</p>

165

<p>Thanks poetgirl. You are so right about the future and having no idea what tomorrow holds and trying to find a little something to enjoy in the moment. I do exercise every morning and it gives me half an hour of “getting away” and letting those endorphins take over my mind and body; even for a little bit. I also like to get out and take long walks and totally agree that they always allow me to feel much better and clear my head.</p>

<p>I also agree that very few people in this life are lucky enough to escape without experiencing some kind of hardship in life; for those that are, they should count their lucky stars. For those that aren’t (almost all of us) we learn that we are amazingly resilient and can deal with far more than we ever imagined and suddenly develop a very thick skin, not by choice but by necessity. So this is the life of a parent, dealing with wonderful and fulfilling times as well as the trying and frustrating, even heartbreaking ones.</p>

<p>We blame ourselves and are quick to take the fall for our kids mistakes often forgetting that as they become adults, they must make these mistakes (and will) and will often learn from them, and in the intermim, build character, and hopefully learn life skills from them. One of my all time favorite books is Blessing of the skinned knee, and though our situation at this time is much more profound and serious, to a certain degree…I want Chris to fully feel the weight of what he is going through, to understand the ramifications of his actions to not only himself but to those he loves, his family. How much he is hurting us, his siblings, how much he has disrupted our life that used to hum along quite harmoniously. </p>

<p>Maybe, with a lot of luck and Gods blessings, one day, we will be able to look back at this stage of our life, and he will understand that this was a “stage” that he had to go through, something that was incredibly painful and taxing not only on himself but on his entire family but one he grew from and became stronger from and will bounce back into the once thriving, successful, energetic, motivated, bright, dynamic, person he once was. I have a feeling he will be back. But at the same time, I also know there is no quick fix, no miracle cure, and while right at this juncture, I have no idea what the right answer is…whether it be another therapist, a wilderness program, an outpatient treatment center, a residential treatment center,etc…right now, they all sound alike, my head is swimming with all the different medical terms. I do know he needs the love, comfort and support of knowing his family is here for him, and that is what we are giving him. That is all we can do right at this time, until we get to the next step. Some may not agree, but this is what I think is best, and I am following my heart. It has gotten me this far and thus far I would consider myself pretty blessed. My motto is day by day, and that is exactly how I am approaching this.</p>

166

<p>WOM, among the many supportive, caring posts, there are the self-righteous, mean, or misguided responses. Fortunately, he helpful posts far outnumber the other ones. You are strong, steadfast and brave; this shows in so many ways in your accounts. You and your husband HAVE done the best you could do, which is all any of us can do. Then stuff happens. And now you continue to think, research, inquire, refer, act…anything you can do to support your hurting boy. Who can do more?</p>

<p>I am impressed that you are making the time to “put on our own oxygen mask.”</p>

167

<p>We do the best we can with the knowledge we have at that time. Unless you have been through it, or something similar, I don’t think you can truly understand. I find it doesn’t really matter if others agree. One thing I know though, is that sometimes it isn’t even day by day but a minute at a time. That is how got through my dd’s very serious mental health issues.</p>

<p>“I do know he needs the love, comfort and support of knowing his family is here for him, and that is what we are giving him. That is all we can do right at this time, until we get to the next step. Some may not agree, but this is what I think is best, and I am following my heart. It has gotten me this far and thus far I would consider myself pretty blessed. My motto is day by day, and that is exactly how I am approaching this.”</p>

168

<p>thanks for the update, WOM. Our heart and prayers are with you, your son and your whole family as you go through this difficult time. keep us posted…we are all rooting for you!!!</p>