Problems with Parents on College Choice

Parents Forum
1

<p>[note in advance: I have a tendency to be incredibly verbose, so the post is probably longer than it should be]</p>

<p>Hello...</p>

<p>I am a little nervous about posting here, as I've mostly been a lurker, but I could really use some advice. I have been putting off making an account here because I am really not like the other kids I see posting on these boards or even like the kids of the parents who I see posting around. To be point blank honest, I am just kind of average.</p>

<p>I am a senior this year (from a small zip code around the Richmond, VA area) and I was hoping my college choice would be somewhat of a breeze. I got all my applications in on time and well before most of the deadlines, and despite a few problems with the Guidance Office over transcripts, everything has gone smoothly.</p>

<p>The problem begins here.</p>

<p>I had no earthly idea where I wanted to go, so I applied to about 9 schools. Compared to some of the people I have read about on here, that may not appear to be so many -- but for me, it has caused a ton of stress and way to many options.</p>

<p>Everyone in my family wants to have their say in where I go to college. I guess I can't really blame them. I am the baby of the family and the only girl, and while I am pretty 'average', I did better in school than any of brothers. Because of this, my parents have very high hopes for me and I did possibly the worst thing I could have done in their eyes -- I fell in love with my safety school.</p>

<p>Sweet Briar isn't much mentioned here on CC, so for those of you that don't know -- it is a small (around 600 students), all girls school in Amherst, VA. I originally applied to it somewhat on a whim; I felt liked I needed a safety school and all of their brochures and their horseback riding program appealed to me. It seemed like somewhere I could be happy if nothing else worked out, so I thought it would make a good choice for safety.</p>

<p>However, after visiting all of the schools I applied too, Sweet Briar is the only one I truly felt comfortable at. I felt like I could see myself there, and I liked most of the people I met. This was not the case at many of the other schools I applied too.</p>

<p>My parents feel that if I go to Sweet Briar, I will be selling myself short, and they are very unhappy. So unhappy that if I even mention the name, they both look and act like they have swallowed a lemon. As acceptances start rolling in, their hostility towards it is becoming more and more obvious.</p>

<p>I applied to the University of South Carolina - Honors College (accepted), Lynchburg College (another safety, accepted), Sweet Briar (they send out acceptances and scholarship notification Feb. 1st), College of William and Mary (waiting to hear), Boston College (accepted EA), Wake Forest (waiting to hear), University of Mary Washington (waiting to hear), North Carolina State University (accepted EA, dad's alma mater and where brothers attend), and Middlebury (waiting to hear, but highly unlikely I'll be accepted). </p>

<p>My parents are really pushing me towards William and Mary, NCSU, South Carolina, and Wake Forest. I don't really want to go to any of them, although I'm sure I would be happy if I did. I feel like I have made so many concessions for my parents about college already that I don't really want to make any more. I already agreed to major in something 'practical' rather than in Music Performance or English like I wanted too, because I understand their concerns. </p>

<p>I do not want to have to make a concession about where I attend. However, my parents are the ones paying. :-/.</p>

<p>Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to possibly chance their minds?</p>

2

<p>I have "talked" online to two Sweetbriar students and a few grads. (on chronicle of the horse) They LOVE it. I tried to get DD2 to look at it but the idea of a woman's college spooked her.
I'd research some career success info and be sure you and they understand one can get a great job with a degree in English. Music Performance..you never know, but you can always take performance courses or clubs, though I don't know what is available at those schools.
I do have a music performance major about to graduate. Ability to make money can be rough, but people do it. You must burn to do music.</p>

3

<p>I won't counsel on what you should do with your parents.</p>

<p>A college should not only feel "comfortable", but challenging. Your hope is that you will have every possible opportunity to grow, and will be able to make use of it. Sweetbriar might be fine (I know almost nothing about it), but a school of 600 students would always give me pause, unless it was highly specialized in an area which you hoped to pursue. This is not only because of the lack of diversity among faculty or potential lack of resources in particular areas, but also because a school of that size might lack the critical mass of students necessary in the areas you wish to pursue. You might, for example, find a school where perhaps you liked the overall ambience less, but the critical mass of students in your area might be something you cherish.</p>

<p>Again, not to put down Sweetbriar. Just that a school of that size requires that you be extra careful.</p>

4

<p>I guess you're not so average after all. </p>

<p>I think that you should do at least a couple of accepted student programs. Remember that young people can change a lot in a few months - and your impression of some of these other schools may have changed.</p>

<p>If it transpires that Sweet Briar is your favorite, you will need to express this to your parents - both in terms of the school's advantages, and your feeling toward it.</p>

<p>You are well-spoken. You should be able to convey your point of view - and effective say 'no' - in a gentle but firm manner. Best wishes to you - your brothers are lucky to have you for their sister.</p>

5

<p>If you've already gotten into BC, you are above average.</p>

<p>Even though I am a parent, I don't understand the strong convictions of some parents who insist on deciding where their kids go to school and what they major in. There have been several posts like this on CC in the last few days.</p>

<p>I suggest that you wait until you hear from all your schools before making any decisions, and then visiting your top choices before making a decision. What saddens me is that you applied to schools that you don't feel comfortable at. I know it's too late, but I wish you could have applied to some reaches/matches that you liked and wanted to attend. </p>

<p>When it comes to dealing with your parents, be rational and calm -- being emotional won't sway their opinion. Come up with a list of really good reasons why you like Sweet Briar -- and it sounds like fit won't work, so try to be more specific. There is nothing wrong with falling in love with your safety and going there. (If Sweet Briar gives you lots of money, you could convince your parents that you'll take your savings and apply it to a big-name grad school.)</p>

<p>What really bothers me (and this is more of an aside based on what several students have posted lately) is this need some parents have to direct what their children must major in when they are still in HS. You don't have to declare a major in college until sophomore, sometimes not until junior year. You certainly don't have to decide as a senior in HS what you want to major in. You should make that decision after taking a variety of classes in college.</p>

6

<p>Congratulations on your acceptances thus far! You are certainly far from "average".</p>

<p>Like others have said, you seem very well-reasoned and able to express yourself. When all of the acceptances come in, I would go through them by yourself first and analyze what you like and don't like about each. Write it all down if you have to (that's what my D did last year; she put together a spreadsheet with about 20 different categories). I would then rank them, and THEN talk to your parents about your choices. Keep calm and non-emotional about it all. Hopefully, you can come to a mutually agreeable choice, although with some parents, it may not be possible.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

7

<p>Excellent suggestion ohio Mom, to go to a couple of accepted student programs. And go with an open mind.</p>

<p>My daughter is a senior at a college that has just under 600 kids. Because it's the only one of our religon in the world, it draws kids from all over the world. I don't think she's had any class with over 15 people. She has been able to spread her wings and take off because of the support. She loves it and it's been the right place for her.</p>

<p>That said, mini's right in that a tiny school requires an extra pause. My daughter has said that within the first quarter (they're on the 3 quarters a year system) she felt she knew most of the freshman class. Everyone knows everyone's business pretty quick. If someone gets in trouble, it's not anonymous. It sounds like you were captivated by the feel and comfort of Sweet Briar but the academics are just as important. I would see if you can do an overnight there and sit in on a class or two. You have some wonderful choices - good luck!</p>

8

<p>I will give you the same advice I gave my own daughter. You must remember you will be spending 4 years there. That's a long time. At a small school, especially one in an isolated area, everything will seem great the first year. Everything will be a new experience. After that it could be the "same old-same old" feeling, making you dread your remaining time there. Give some thought as to whether it will be exciting for all four years. You live near Richmond, so you are used to a certain lifestyle that is influenced by that neighboring city. Will you have that at Sweet Briar? Are you willing to give that up for four years? You seem very outgoing and energetic and, in my opinion, someone who risks tiring of the sheltered existence of a small all-girls school. I suspect this is exactly what your parents are thinking too. Of course, there's also the fact that academic resources are limited at a smaller school. If you are smart enough to be admitted to BC EA and the Honors College at Univ of S. Carolina, you are smart enough to realize that academics are important and that the real reason for college is not the social life, but to provide you with a better future. Do some soul-searching and research and then make an honest list of pros and cons for each of the schools. You might still decide Sweet Briar is the perfect fit and you'll have some documentation to show your parents.</p>

9

<p>
[quote]
Even though I am a parent, I don't understand the strong convictions of some parents who insist on deciding where their kids go to school and what they major in. There have been several posts like this on CC in the last few days.

[/quote]
Well, I understand it because, to my shame, I once thought like this myself. I think it is fear that causes it. At least that was my problem. I just didn’t want my kids in an environment that I thought would not help them achieve their potential. That is probably what the OPs parents are feeling (It could be a prestige thing too. But maybe not).</p>

<p>To the OP:</p>

<p>One thing that really worked for me is a conversation I had with my son. I was going on and on about how college X isn’t really as good as college Z, and how he’d be unhappy and all that kinda mess. It turns out I was failing to see the boy’s dreams, wishes and personality. All I saw was this goofy dream my own of having my kids at such and such a place because “Its just so good”. We were bickering lightheartedly about it when my son just stopped talking. I finished and was really feeling kinda uncomfortable sitting out there by myself without anyone fighting back. So to bridge the space I asked the boy for his thoughts. He said something like “You know, dad, I could have been a gangbanger, or druggie. I could have been a cheat, or bad student. I could drive around at all hours of the night getting in trouble with the law. I just want to go to this one school. You could have had a lot worst things to worry about.”</p>

<p>LOL</p>

<p>I’m in the kid’s corner now. LOL. Fully.</p>

<p>Maybe sit with your folks and show your appreciation. But let them see how good a kid you really are and how they need not fear whatever choice you make. If you can get them to share their concerns precisely, you may be able to ease them. OR, you may even agree with them and change your own mind. They may have legitimate concerns. Mini’s post makes some sense to me, for example. So maybe there are other issues that might factor into your decision and that you haven’t thought of. I don’t suggest you just let this thing sit around until it blows up. Let your folks know that it is important to you that you get on the same team. Then work deliberately, asking them to be willing to work with you, to make it happen.</p>

10

<p>Well the good news is that you won't need to decide until May 1st. I strongly agree that you should try to keep an open mind and attend a few of the accepted student day programs in April some of which allow you to stay overnight in a dorm. This experience will allow you to understand the schools in a much better context than the standard tours and you'll be with your potential peers. If after all that you still feel SB is your best fit then explain that to your parents and that if you attend a school you do not like its possible you will need to transfer or possibly not even graduate. If you are in at BC and potentially at W&M you must have way above average stats.</p>

11

<p>"Even though I am a parent, I don't understand the strong convictions of some parents who insist on deciding where their kids go to school and what they major in. There have been several posts like this on CC in the last few days."</p>

<p>My kids' majors are their decisions, but I consider where they go to school to be mostly my (and H's) decision. If my child was 18, fully emancipated and paying her own way through college, I would leave the entire process up to her. But my D made her decision at 17. There is a reason she is still my responsibility under the law, partly because it is presumed that she cannot yet make fully-informed decisions. I think it is wrong for parents NOT to be the guiding force in this decision. Further, I am paying for her education 100%, so I certainly should have a say in where my investment is being made. Obviously, I would want the school to be the right "fit" for her, too.</p>

12

<p>"I think it is wrong for parents NOT to be the guiding force in this decision."</p>

<p>The way I see it is that I've had 17 years to train my son to make good decisions. If he can't pick a suitable school (he's a junior), then that is my failing, not his. As long as I can afford his decision, I will support it.</p>

13

<p>The real point to be made is there is a difference between guiding and telling. If you don't think your child is making an educated decision then it is easier to step in now than deal with an unhappy college experience or a transfer situation. My D's first choice school, where she was accepted EA, wasn't even on her list as a junior. In my mind it was a perfect fit. After all, I have known her for all of her 17 years. I politely told her what I thought and that we should at least visit the college on our way to visiting "her colleges". Well, after the visits and making her lists of "pros" and "cons" for each, it was the only one without any "cons" in her mind. As a parent, I would have been happy with any of the schools she was considering. They are all great schools. She is grateful for my guidance and knowledge of her as a person. One of the few times I've heard, "Mom, you were right."</p>

14

<p>BC is not at all average. I have a smart, dedicated friend who didn't get into BC and now attends at Ivy. I have a lot of friends who didn't get into BC and other friends who are there now and love it. I know almost nothing about Sweet Briar, but Mini brought up some good points. I think you should go to a school you like, but think very carefully about turning down a top school like Boston College. It's rising in resources and popularity, has dedicated alums, and could really serve you well in life. I'm nervous that you would outgrow what Sweet Briar has to offer before your four years are up.</p>

15

<p>Bay,
"Further, I am paying for her education 100%, so I certainly should have a say in where my investment is being made."</p>

<p>No loans or jobs for her at all? Well, very generous - my son has to work and take out some loans as it is his education, responsibily and LIFE, after all.</p>

<p>"Obviously, I would want the school to be the right "fit" for her, too."
Your definition or hers?</p>

16

<p>The problem is that Boston College is a really good school. Really good. I could see turning it down for a comparably good school -- such as Wake Forest, William and Mary, or Middlebury -- but I'm a little hesitant about the idea of a student turning it down for a school that does not have quite the same reputation for quality.</p>

<p>I'm not saying that going to Sweet Briar is a bad idea, necessarily, just that you need to be very, very sure of what you're doing before you choose it over BC or one of the other highly respected colleges on your list. Going to accepted students days at both Sweet Briar and either BC or one of the others (if you get into some other school that you like better than BC) sounds like a good idea.</p>

17

<p>I know a friend who is a writer in residence at Sweet Briar, so I am somewhat familiar with it. </p>

<p>From what I have heard Sweet Briar must have a stunning 1200 acrea campus and, outstanding equestrian program. Will you be competiting, riding, boarding a horse there?</p>

<p>I am just trying to understand why Sweet Briar seems like the perfect fit. If you feel nurtured by an all girl's school, your parents must recognize this eventually.</p>

18

<p>I was in a similar position in August of 1975. A private university called me and took me off their waitlist--and I had already accepted--and been to the orientation of, and met the roommate and the Dean of another school--which happened to be my dad's alma mater--where he was BMOC and president of the fraternity council.</p>

<p>I called my dad's mom in to help me persuade him to let me go. He was NOT happy though. I had to find my own ride to school and they made me buy all my own supplies.</p>

<p>Eventually, he got over it--and now he couldn't be prouder.</p>

<p>I never would have had the life of adventure that I have if I had gone to his alma mater.</p>

<p>Go with your gut--but line up some amazing Study Abroad experience for Junior Year because 600 students is a tiny pool. And line up some ideas about grad school--for whatever major you want to pursue. Show your parents that you are thinking long range.</p>

19

<p>"No loans or jobs for her at all? Well, very generous - my son has to work and take out some loans as it is his education, responsibily and LIFE, after all."</p>

<p>ohio-mom,</p>

<p>No, no loans or jobs at all. Prior to bringing children into this world, I decided it was my responsibility to raise them and put them through college. So I saved to enable that to happen. Their education and lives, are MY responsibility, after all.</p>

<p>P.S.
BTW, I certainly don't begrudge parents who feel it is their children's (or the government's or financial aid office's) responsibility to put their kids through school. That is their choice, too.</p>

20

<p>"Their education and lives, are MY responsibility, after all."</p>

<p>True at an earlier age, certainly. It starts getting a little fuzzy around college age, and I truly believe that contributioning to one's own eduction (if possible) is valuable for gaining self reliance and a sense of how to live in this world.</p>

<p>As it turned out, my son turned down the option of attending the university where his father works (full tuition waiver) for the one he attends now. He has loans, does residential computer stuff as his term time job, works summers (as he has since he was 15), and loves his school quite passionately. I don't believe the undergraduate experience would have been as good at his dad's school ... and neither does his dad. </p>

<p>"BTW, I certainly don't begrudge parents who feel it is their children's (or the government's or financial aid office's) responsibility to put their kids through school. That is their choice, too."</p>

<p>I believe that it is a shared responsibilty within the family and community. I am thrilled that the University of Chicago saw fit to offer my son grant aid, and government subsidized loans are, IMO, a better use of my tax money than many other projects.</p>