... progress reports?

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>So... how do you handle the first progress reports from school? Each school calls them something different... but I mean the midpoint grades that the kids are to use as a "check" to see how it's going.</p>

<p>I am particularly interested in hearing about the very first ones. The first term is a ton of new experiences for the kids, and the academics could be quite different than in previous schools. We have gotten ours recently, and I have primarily communicated with the advisor to see what plans are being made (by the school AND the student) to address any areas of concern.</p>

<p>I have, so far, not said much to my daughter about them as she was very stressed about them before they were released. I also feel like she needs to work through this on her own so that she works out how best to meet the expectations the school has. She mentioned that she was unhappy with more than one subject. I pointed out a very successful grade in her most difficult subject so as to focus on the positive..... she grudgingly acknowledged that she was happy there. LOL</p>

<p>My main question for the advisor was asking whether my daughter understood what was working and where changes needed to be made... AND to ask what resources the school has to help her get to where she wants to be.</p>

<p>Am I helicoptering? I hope not... I just want to be sure there is a plan being made by my daughter which is in the realm of what is possible in the school. Let me be clear, I am not trying to step in...other than to ask if there is a plan going forward......I ended with a request to "let us know if we can help in any way" but re-stated that we would let her and the school do their "jobs".... </p>

<p>Looking for feedback. This is the first term away for us and we are still working it all out!</p>

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<p>With the drink of your choice?</p>

<p>Those first reports give your student a good indication of how well their previous schooling has prepared them to compete in the pool they are now in. There is a leveling and sometimes it’s surprising. Wherever your child has landed, rest assured the school knows very well how to deal with those first set of grades, especially if they are lower than expected, as well as your child’s feeling about them. A lot of effort goes into helping first year students understand where they need help and how to get it. Your daughter has already or will meet with her advisor and teachers to talk about this report and determine what, if anything, needs to be done to help her find her stride. Usually parent-teacher conferences are scheduled over Parents Weekend and, if you are able to attend, that is a good time to discuss any concerns. If you are not able to attend, I’d suggest taking your lead from your daughter. Talk to her about how she feels and what she is doing to address the concerns. If you aren’t satisfied with what you are hearing from her, a call to her advisor, as you have done, is the correct first approach. You will probably find that the advisor is your daughter’s best guide and liaison with her teachers and will be able to address any concerns you have. Save contacting the teachers for Parents Weekend.</p>

<p>It IS hard to let go of concern for your child’s grades, but welcome to BS. Gradually, you learn to calm down and let your wonderful school do what it does best. Very soon, they will know your child as a student better than you do, and you will have no choice but to let go and let them do what they do so well. It can be freeing actually.</p>

<p>On another note, it’s not uncommon for students to do very well right out of the gate, sail through first year and then hit a wall second year or beyond. If difficulty is going to come, it’s not always in the first year.</p>

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<p>Alright, London- you get my 200th post! You and I both know (as old BS alums) that the first term away from home is the bumpiest. There’s so much going on and so many adjustments to be made on every front: Living, social, academically and on the athletic field. You are not a helicopter parent as far as I can tell. In fact, you strike me as a person who is very reasonable and caring- and only wants her child to be happy and successful. There’s nothing wrong with that!</p>

<p>You’re doing everything right. All three kids (my stepdaughter included) went to JBS and you would think that all that SS preparation would mean smooth sailing, right? NO. All three had bumpy first terms. K2 was the exception- he fell apart spring term, too! Eventually, all kids hit their stride and something just clicks. Some sooner than others, but it will happen. Just keep the faith!</p>

<p>Keep in touch with her advisor and let her figure it out. She’ll be fine… and this too shall pass! She has a wonderful support system back at home cheering her on :)</p>

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<p>Whew. I love the voices of reason on this board. Thanks to both of you. All of your advice is much appreciated. I guess I am still trying to strike the balance of how to stay in the loop with out being in the way! LOL And so much IS going well: she has loads of friends, made varsity and has already scored 3 goals. I think she thinks she is at summer camp… haha.</p>

<p>For what it is worth, I have steeled myself to let things happen. It is (in my opinion) now the time for her to step up as she needs to in order to attain HER goals. I am mostly concerned about making sure the support is there for her - whether she wants it or not! LOL Seriously, I know she wasn’t happy with the report. I wasn’t overly thrilled, but had prepared myself for worse so all-in-all it is easy for me to stay out of it. </p>

<p>Because she was so completely stressed about these “grades” even before she knew what they were, my approach is to let her own stress be the guide and try (key word: TRY) not to say much at all. I was actually proud of myself for praising the hardest subject and ignoring the rest. So. Very. Hard. LOL. I know there is pressure already in her environment from many areas. In a complete turnaround to my previous approach, I am trying hard to see that her way forward is now up to her. </p>

<p>Be that as it may, I am mindful that these kids don’t always handle the pressure well, nor do they always see the way to change or even know what is out there. At 14 they still seem to think that “no one” studies. Everyone is either brilliant or not. I keep mentioning the “hard work will get you far” thing, but so far I have not had her take me up on that! Kidding. Sort of. She is working very hard… harder than she ever has, but she will learn that it may not yet be enough. </p>

<p>I guess I am hoping the school will spell that out to her so I don’t have to. She will take it far better from anyone there, than from me! Haha.</p>

<p>Thanks again for the hand holding. I appreciate it.</p>

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<p>Got the grades/comments yesterday. I am relieved – there is certainly room for improvement, but I feel like she has made a solid start. I’ll meet with her advisor during Parents Weekend… thought about signing up for an appt with a teacher or two, but their comments were so thorough and spot on… like ChoatieMom and PhotoMom said, they know exactly how to go about seeing that the weak areas improve. The teachers have regular one-on-ones with the students at D’s school as part of their weekly routine, so I know she can’t avoid the weak spots :wink: So I think I’ll just see her teachers during the Parent Weekend social events, and let things be. It IS hard to step back and let go… but your reassurances and good advice really help!</p>

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<p>Interesting post. We haven’t gotten our son’s grades yet, not until later this month. I actually like that we get to have teacher/parents conferences first, before seeing the grades about 2 weeks later – I think it probably makes for better conversation during those conferences if parents aren’t asking “why did my darling kid only get a [score]?”<br>
I feel a little conflicted about the whole thing, come to think of it. Obviously I want him to do well, but in some ways I almost hope that he gets grades that give him a bit of a rude awakening. He’s always gotten good grades with no real effort. At BS, he’s definitely already having to put in more effort than at his middle school (no surprise there). But I think there’s a lot of value for kids in the process that you’re all talking about – learning how and when to ask for help, coming up with a plan to get where they want to go, etc. My son’s never really had to do any of that, and I’d rather see him have to learn it now, then later on down the road when the grades get to be more critical.</p>

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<p>soxmom: D’s school is on a trimester schedule, which is why we are getting them now instead of after Parents Weekend… I agree, I would have preferred to get them after the weekend!</p>

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<p>What I have found so wonderful about term reports is their length, depth, and honesty, SO different from the feedback we always got from our local schools where ChoatieKid “was just wonderful and had no room for improvement, nope, just can’t say enough, end of discussion”, yet I couldn’t figure out on what planet some of the mess he turned in was acceptable. I just loved hearing his Choate teachers correct those misconceptions first year, clearly showing him where the bar was and even more clearly how to clear it. That alone was worth the price of admission. So, @soxmon, I would have to agree that a rude awakening can be a gift. Cringe now for great results later. By sophomore year, I often forgot to log in to even look at his grades, and when I did, I was only interested in the comments.</p>

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<p>Even in BSs, some teachers may not be so good or teach at a higher level that some students can’t easily follow. Some parents arrange for private tutors even at BS. If the student’s work ethic is a problem, then it is a bigger problem. Don’t expect all the BSs to have a support system as some BSs are “sink or swim.” Every year I see some kids drop out as they can’t handle the work.</p>

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<p>I will counter ChoatieMom’s brilliant comment “With the drink of your choice” with Bottle or Box?</p>

<p>London- Wait until she has her first BS boyfriend! New Thread!!!</p>

<p>Don’t worry, we’ll be here for you. :)</p>

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<p>

lol, ChoatieMom. It is irritating the DS’s school releases mid-term reports AFTER Parents Weekend. I assume it is deliberate to keep the parent-teacher conferences short and drama-free…</p>

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<p>PhotographerMom: aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh! LOL I had better get the bottle AND box and start now. Haha. Although I confess I am only joking, it did occur to me that I hadn’t thought too much about that aspect of things because I myself was at an all-girls school. Hmm. Maybe I will just buy blinders.</p>

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<p>@london, FYI. When u finally get up to this issue, I’d make it a box… :wink:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1461640-dating-sex-bs-parental-perspective.html?[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1461640-dating-sex-bs-parental-perspective.html?&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>We don’t see them. Kids see them. They don’t go on record. Sometimes D shares…</p>

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<p>Well, FWIW, I just found the e-mail I sent to a panicked ChoatieKid who ran into a wall in his favorite subject first trimester of sophomore year. We were stunned that a) he could run into a problem like this after sailing through first year and b) in his best subject – how could that be? We thought he was safely through the gauntlet. What he’s discovered is that the ante is upped significantly each year, but he just attacked sophomore year with the same toolkit he’d used freshman year. Didn’t work. Anyway, right after he got his mid-term grades, but before they were posted, he wrote us a terrifying e-mail in the dead of night in shock and panic, worrying as much about how we would react when we logged into the portal (which he was sure we’d do at first light though we’re three hours behind him) as he was about how his world had just imploded. </p>

<p>Of course we tried to call him, but it was about 2AM his time and the call kept going to voice mail, so both ChoatieDad and I wrote what we wanted to say hoping kiddo would somehow get our e-mail while also hoping that he wasn’t staying up all night in a sweat (which he was). We eventually connected and talked him off the ledge the following day (the sun DID rise), and we were able to talk to all parties during Parents Weekend to understand that this is common and the school knows how to work with students to deal with academic problems quickly while salvaging their pride as much as their grades.</p>

<p>I’m going to share our communication for any new parents who might be going through this first year and wanting a suggestion on how to respond. First is the loving parent response to your child which I’m sure is your automatic reaction – focus only on how your child is feeling, making sure that kiddo knows that you understand his/her deep disappointment but emphasize that you are NOT disappointed in them, you are only hurting FOR them. Second, as I mentioned upthread, if grades come out before Parents Weekend, that is a great time to talk to all parties and see just how the school and your child are addressing the problem. Wait a bit before you jump in; you may not need to.</p>

<p>In CK’s case, all was well by next trimester as his teacher very clearly spelled out not only the higher expectations but how to get there. By the time we got to PW, the teacher had already been meeting with CK every day for extra help. I also want to emphasize to new parents that getting extra help when needed is expected and carries no stigma. The stigma would come as a result of NOT getting the needed help.</p>

<p>I can report to you today that what seemed like a crisis then was handled well and CK survived and thrived. So, hang in there. It’s not the end of the world. These are the experiences that stretch our kids and so beautifully prepare them for the college journey head.</p>

<p>Cheers!</p>

<hr>

<p>*Dearest, Dearest Son—</p>

<p>Our hearts are aching for you right now, and believe us, we are needing that hug from you as much as you want one from us. We are trying to hug you with this response, but it feels so lame.</p>

<p>First, your letter was beautifully and thoughtfully written and tells us that you are trying to understand what happened and you have an approach to tune out all distractions, reach out for all the help that is available, and do your best to fix what is wrong. We just can’t ask for any more from you, and we aren’t there to provide day-to-day direction. That is what Choate is supposed to be doing for you in our stead, and it sounds like they are responding to the alarm. All parties and support systems seem to be at the ready to help you, so that is not where our main worry is right now.</p>

<p>Our main concern is how deflated and beaten you feel. We also sense that you have some confusion about how your performance could be this low when you thought it would be so much better. And, we sense fear. Your dad and I are more concerned about your feelings right now than we are about the grades, although we will talk to your advisor at Parents Weekend for another perspective. We will be able to talk to your teachers face-to-face during conferences this weekend, too, so we’re not sure we need to talk to <specific teacher=""> just yet if he’s already talked to you and <advisor>. We’ll talk this over with you then and decide if you need more support from us.</advisor></specific></p>

<p><son>, we’re always amazed at how resilient you are in the face of adversity; you always just pick yourself up and keep going. THAT is a precious trait that we never, ever want you to lose. You said yourself that this isn’t the end of the world. It’s just a rough wake-up call. You MUST believe what you are saying. Even if you feel humiliated right now, it will pass as you work on fixing what you need to fix. We do believe you can correct this, but it might mean that school looks and feels a bit different for you for a while.</son></p>

<p>We don’t want to give easy-to-say advice in this note. Dad and I can, of course, come up with suggestions, but we can save that for when we are able to talk this weekend – or before if you can carve out the time. Instead, we want this note to tell you how loved you are, how sorry we are that his is happening to you, and how hard this is on my mother’s heart that I can’t be there do what only a mother can do and be for her hurting child. Hearing the pain in your letter is so hard to bear when I can’t put my arms around you.</p>

<p>We love you, <son>. You are learning a hard lesson about what it takes to achieve what you want. You WILL get there, and we will help you but, for tonight, we are sending you our deepest love and telling you not to worry about your parents – we are your support. We hope you are able to sleep. We WILL help you through this.</son></p>

<p>All our love,
-Mom and Dad-*</p>

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<p>Wow! That was fabulous. And WWAAYYYY better than I have handled things so far. LOL I will be incorporating a lot of your approach from here on out. It might even fix some things as my daughter is not a fan of talking about grades… Maybe if I took the pressure off (real and imagined), we could get somewhere. I am curious to hear what the teachers have to say at PW as there are always 2 sides and hearing their viewpoint should go a long way towards a solution. FWIW, my daughter has already made some changes - she doesn’t want us to interfere (thank goodness) but she has already mentioned using free/conference periods during the day to do extra work vs. saving it all for study hall. Maybe there is something to this “being on your own” thing after all. Kidding, of course - I know there is or we wouldn’t have let her go away. Thanks for sharing this.</p>

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<p>Thank you for sharing your fantastic letter, ChoatieMom!</p>

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<p>Well THAT made me cry, thank you very much. Loved it of course. This freshman comp. teacher gives you an A</p>

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<p>^^Best compliment ever, classicalmama.</p>

<p>Thanks, all.</p>

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<p>Thank you for sharing the letter. That made me CRY too.</p>