<p>I'm applying to UC's this month and I need help with the second prompt! Could someone please take a look at what I have so far and let me know what needs to be changed?</p>
<p>The prompt is: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>
<p>My essay:</p>
<pre><code>I have never been a mentally or physically strong person growing up. My body was weak but my mind was weaker. I fell into a deep spiral of depression when I was in high school due to family deaths and my parents constant quarreling. I wont go too much into detail because this is all in the past. However, my past has shaped me into who I am today, not because of what I went through, but because of how I pulled myself through this dark hole in my life without the help of medication or other people. This is my proudest accomplishment I have ever achieved.
My family doctor had acknowledged my depression symptoms, but I needed to see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed and treated. However, I come from a culture where the prestige and pride of a family are more important than anything else. In my culture, the childrens happiness is not first; it is the elders happiness and pride that has priority over everything else. This was also the case with my parents. My parents did not want the reputation of having a child that was mentally ill, so they prevented me from seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. As the years went by, I learned to cope with my family issues by letting go of the things that I did not have control over rather than dwelling on them. I learned to not let my family or any other negativity make me so upset that I cant function normally. I struggled with grades because of stress, but I was eventually able to realize that Im the only one that can flip my situation around. I stopped focusing on my bad luck and self-pitying; I put all my energy into learning how to overcome obstacles and pushing my way through to the end.
Today, I am mentally stronger than I have ever been before. I take lifes obstacles as a challenge. As you grow up, you realize that not everything is the end of the world. There is no such thing as failure if you put all of your passion into it. Realizing your mistakes rather than blaming someone else is when your true potential emerges. That is when I realized that only I have the power over my mind, body, and life, not someone else. Now, I am able to live freely and make my own decisions. Ive learned to find ways to overcome tough situations and not lose sight of whats really important: the present and future. My experiences helped me gain the will to strive under pressure.
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<p>It's a little rough and personal but this is just a draft so constructive criticism is appreciated!
Thank you :)</p>
<p>I don’t like this, it’s very stereotypical. I’m sure coping with family death was difficult; however, this is one of the worst things to possibly right about. A LOT of people write about this.</p>
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<p>Tread lightly when it comes to mentioning psychiatrist visits / therapy. Colleges are looking for students who they would like having on campus. How does mentioning this enhance your image? To some extent I think it may even hurt your application, although I’m not an admissions officer so I can’t say for certain.</p>
<p>Overall, the essay is way too vague.</p>
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<p>You don’t specify how you did so. “Overcoming obstacles and pushing your way through to the end” is quite possibly the vaguest you can get. You have not addressed the prompt adequately in my opinion.</p>
First thing I saw, “I won’t go too much into detail.” It should be details, but that’s not the point. This sentence should be taken out because it’s like why did you even bother putting it in then.</p>
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Well, to you it may be an accomplishment. But for readers like me, I’m like… is it a “proudest accomplishment,” to cope with death?</p>
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Can you be more specific, about a certain family member that died. Like when I think of hearing “family deaths,” I’m not sure whether if it’s just your grandparents or multiple people from your family is dying.</p>
<p>Overall, what I see in this essay is that many people died from your family. You learned to cope with it. Before that, you went to the doctor and psychiatrist to treat your depression. Yet your parents did not want you to because of their reputation. So then you talked about coping about death with your parent. You struggled in school with stress yet you somehow picked yourself up again? Then overall you ended by just saying you stopped focusing on bad energy and became a stronger person, yet you didn’t really explain… Like how did you become a stronger person? You mainly just said you put it to an end, just like that.</p>
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Ok, I didn’t see much of the mistakes discussed. I overall get the impression you were just depressed that people in your family died.</p>
<p>Just letting you know, this topic can be good. If you make it more meaningful. Like who from your family died… an unhealthy person or child? Grandparents? An alcoholic? I mean these are typical people that have passed away by the time a person is about to go to college. Can you find someone meaningful to you, give a few sentences. Then reflect upon why they were meaningful to you and how they changed their life. Rather than saying, they died and I coped with it. Because… people in my family died and I learned to cope with it as well. I bet many of the advisers had people in their family died and coped with it as well (mainly because they’re adults by now).</p>