Proofread my Essay and give me your Remarks.

College Essays
1

<p>Essay 1:-</p>

<p>At the age of 7, I witnessed an incident which brought about a profound change in me. I was at my friend's home when I saw a burglar breaking into a neighboring residence. The security guard noticed the intruder and attempted to stop him, but the fight turned out to be a nasty one, which left both, the intruder and the security crippled. I was frightened that the intruder would come for us as we were easy targets to him. Nevertheless, my fear subsided as he was caught by the police.</p>

<p>Reports of threat soon became prevalent. My fear was at a comeback and my parents were pretty much concerned about safety. I wanted to be able to defend myself and my family. I was inspired to learn martial arts.</p>

<p>It didn't take long for me to realize that I had some talent in Taekwondo. I discovered this when I first stepped into the ring. Impressed by my performance, my Master had me participate in an Open State Championship where I confronted a red belt holder. I went for a kick to my opponent's face and scored a winning point. After that, I had to prepare for my next bout. Noticing that the opponent was a short, blue belt holder, I thought that I would have easier time beating him, but he countered with a powerful kick. Despite the pain, I kept moving and persevering, but failed. He had been declared the winner. I left the ring with utter disappointment and felt incompetent, but that didn't prevent me from trying. In fact, I began training smarter and harder, making my way into the National Championships by winning various gold medals in State level tournaments. From that experience I learned that a person must never underestimate and prejudge based on appearances. Looks can, therefore, be deceptive.</p>

<p>Six years later, my master took his last breath. The tragic news of death moved me deeply. His daughter was only a year old then. The widowed mother was worried about her child's future as the only bread-winner of the family passed away. This got me very concerned and my conscience couldn't just agree to leave them helpless. So I took the initiative to collect funds from various Taekwondo students and got almost the whole community to be involved. Together, with my parents and friends, I collected a good sum of money. Apart from collecting funds, I decided to help her with her education and Taekwondo.</p>

<p>Taekwondo has a very deep meaning as far as my life is concerned. By taking it up, I have dramatically changed my life for good. It significantly altered my perspective on 'fighting' and 'martial arts'. I learned that they're both quite contradictory terms because a martial art teaches a person valuable lessons on composure and self-discipline. This proved to be true in my case. For example, I now know that, even though a 'martial art' is essentially an 'art of fighting', it teaches a person to avoid fights as it makes a person aware of his/her capabilities. But Taekwondo left me with more than defensive abilities. I have now grown a more independent, resilient, and powerful mind, thereby enhancing my academic performance through augmented focus. With the harmony of mind, body, and soul, I find it easier to mingle with others and understand relationships. Also, the strict disciplinary regimen taught me self-control and I therefore developed an abstemious lifestyle.</p>

<p>My eight years of intense training payed off when I got my 1st degree black belt. However, I realize that learning is a continuous process and so I will keep practicing until I can't move anymore. I aspire to go through all the 9 degree black belts. I keep participating in tournaments regularly and I'm currently on track to become a complete martial artist, following a strict training program. My soul can only rest in peace knowing that I have succeeded in my attempt to become one of the greatest martial artists.</p>

2

<p>Essay 2:-</p>

<p>A person is influenced by the society he/she dwells in. I come from a place where people are judged almost solely by their formal educational accomplishments. Although I understand the prominence of the role education plays in one’s life, I believe that a person must not be judged only based on his/her educational background. There are those impecunious people who struggle for a meal once a day, and for them, education in a good institute is only something they can dream of. So, education by itself isn’t a fair means of measuring one’s capabilities; it is but one of the many other aspects to be taken into consideration. I think so, because everyone doesn’t get an equal opportunity to study well. Here, in my society, people are so obsessed and blinded by education that they forget to realize the importance of anything else.</p>

<p>This accounts to a major problem: as standardized test scores of various entrance examinations and board exams are regarded as the only reliable data to measure students’ intellectual capacity, they become the central, if not the only admission criterion of various colleges and universities. As a result, ironically, test scores collectively have become the primary focus of many schools’ educational system. We are taught the points essential to fare well on the exams, but we are hardly taught of the subject and its roots.</p>

<p>My uncle, who is a scientist, nevertheless, extolled to me the wonders of science. Prior to have known him, I was not much of a science enthusiast; I just mechanically used to reproduce the required matter on exams, not realizing what the subject in reality had to offer me. However, during my summer vacation last year, I went on an educational tour with him across South India where he showed me some of the most prestigious universities in India such as the Indian Institute of Technology and Indian Institute of Science. He also took me to his research laboratory and showed me a vast array of beautiful instruments used by him during his last few years. He is one of the most inspirational persons I know and he completely changed my perspective on science and education on the whole. I am lucky to have known him as he evoked in me a passion for science. He would always encourage me to ask questions and helped me frame an inquisitive mind.</p>

<p>My experience with my uncle and with the rest my world was groundbreaking. I was inspired to embark on a pursuit of knowledge. I now look up to many recorded lecture videos and scientific articles available on the internet. To get a proper and deep insight into the subject teachers teach at school, I use the internet to the fullest potential, noting down any interesting point I come across. I also enjoy teaching my friends certain concepts they have trouble with. It is very satisfying to know that somebody has learned something because of us. I also noted that teaching a person helps the teacher, himself/herself get a better grasp on the subject.</p>

<p>I, therefore, strongly believe that the highly competitive educational atmosphere in XXX will facilitate my intellectual growth and enhance my overall personality. Also, I believe that my social behavior deeply resonates with the cosmopolitan ambiance XXX presents.</p>

3

<p>1st Essay: Your first and second paragraph are really weak. I can’t believe that a 7 year old would take up Taekwondo to defend his family. If you are 15, I can see that, but not at 7. The first two paragraphs actually led me to believe that you may later detail a story where your Taekwondo save some helpless victim, but it didn’t. As a matter of fact, your first two paragraphs are what I would call useless introduction. Take them out! Instead, use a one sentence introduction in the beginning of the third paragraph: “Wanting to learn self-defense, I took up Taekwondo at age of 7…”</p>

<p>Since the third paragraph is now the introduction, you will need to shorten it a bit. Perhaps started a new paragraph after “declared a winner.”</p>

<p>Now onto the main essence of the this essay: the death of your master. You just showed me the human side of yourself. This is quite touching yet you kept it so short. If you can, make the audiences feel the pain, feel that sadness. Tell us how much they cried. Tell us how desperate the family felt. Move us and draw us into their world. </p>

<p>The next paragraph detailed how Taekwondo changed you. It is good but lengthy. And you need to round up your lessons and once again show your appreciation to your master who not only taught you Taekwondo but a lesson in life. </p>

<p>Your conclusion, IMHO, is probably the best part of this essay. But I hate to nitpick, your last statement tells me your commitment to Taekwondo. Great! What is that got to do with your life and your college education? You should use this great opportunities to stress how Taekwondo help you focus your energy in other things in life, such as your education. Round the story up and let the admission knows that you are a complete person, not just a Taekwondo champion. </p>

<p>As it is, it is not a bad essay. But you can make it even better.</p>

4

<p>Your advice is much appreciated. I working on the essay right now. Anyway, do remark on my other essay too if you don’t mind. Thanks!</p>