Pros and cons of local vs far from home

Parents Forum
1

Hi all. I have a daughter who is a rising senior. She has strong grades and act and will be able to get into most colleges outside of the elites. We live near Chicago so there are plenty of close by options, but she also is interested in certain schools as far as Florida and Colorado. We would prefer her near home but there are clear advantages such as program of study and possibly even cost that make the faraway colleges attractive.

How have others on these forums addressed this issue? Putting her on an airplane and not being able to access her or her not being able to see us, terrifies my wife.

2

What has to be addressed? It’s a growing experience for the student and the parents. When I went to college it was 2000 miles from my home. Same with my second daughter.

3

@“Erin’s Dad” When your second daughter moved 2000 miles away did you just say goodbye at your front door and move on? Moving on from 24/7 to zero is not easy for everyone. This person is looking for some help and/or advice that someone with your experience can give.

Here’s what needs to be addressed…

Did distance play any part in her college choice?

Was there an adjustment for you and/or your daughter? How did you handle it?

Did she get homesick?

Did she ever need medical attention? If so, were you satisfied with it?

Did she come home often?

Did you travel to see her often?

Did you communicate regularly?

Where you comfortable with her safety and living situation at school?

Was she independent before she left or did she develop independence later?

Was the travel related expense prohibitive?

Some people are looking for help, YOU can answer all these questions, we cannot.

4

I had to get over this when our kids started going away to summer camps (and next year, to college). In my opinion, your wife needs to work on her issues so they don’t interfere with your kid’s choices.

Your daughter will always be able to “access you” and she will be able to “see you”, it’s called Skype. She’s not dying. Giving up physical contact to allow your kid to grow up is really painful for a lot of moms (me!) but it needs to happen if your kid is ready for it to happen.

We have some practical limitations that we’ve imposed on D17, like staying east coast because the flights are more affordable (Cali is a 5 hour flight and really expensive), and we knocked one school off the list because the area it is in is just not safe.

But, unless your wife plans on literally keeping the kid around the corner (and I know one mom that is doing that to her kid), a three hour drive is the same as a two hour plane trip (plus one hour to make it through TSA). Have your wife focus on time it will take to get to your kid vs. distance.

In my opinion, your wife is going to make your kid (and you) miserable if she’s operating from a position of fear with regards to letting your kid go. She has to learn to trust the kid and start giving up control. There are a lot of scary things out there that are outside of our control, and if you don’t make peace with that, it will eat you up.

If the kid is looking at schools in Colorado and Florida, then she is ready to spread her wings a little. Don’t clip them, and don’t let your wife’s fear rule your kid’s choices.

5

One of my kids went to college less than an hour from home. The other went to college a 7-hour drive from home (which is actually less convenient than going to a college that you can easily fly to, but we didn’t realize that at the time). The one who stayed close to home specifically wanted to be close to home. The other one didn’t care about distance one way or the other.

Unless the student has a chronic medical condition that would benefit from continuing care by the same health care providers, I don’t see any particular disadvantage in going away to college far from home. I had no more difficulty staying in communication with my faraway student than I did with my near-home one. There’s phone and texting and email and Skype (although we never used Skype).

I notice that the faraway colleges the OP’s child is considering are only one time zone away from where the parents live. This should help to make communication easy, even if the parents can’t make personal calls from work. (Communication can be far more difficult between the coasts because of the three-hour time difference, especially if working parents can’t make calls during the day.)

If a student wants to stay close to home and there are suitable colleges nearby, I wouldn’t push the student to go farther away. (This was my son’s situation.) But if the student doesn’t care about going far away, I don’t see a problem with it unless the travel costs are prohibitive.

6

My child is going 8 hours away (drive time). Neither one of us is happy about that, but we are both excited about the school itself.

7

Having just dropped off my D at a college 2,000 miles away, I’d have to say that the only concerns for me would be cost, or if she had a health condition that required me to get to her quickly. I’m nervous, of course, and I miss her, of course. But it is her life, she got the FA and merit needed to make this college as affordable as going local, and went with the understanding that she could not just hop on a plane for a visit at every break. She’s thrilled with her choice.

Remember that with unlimited talk and texting, kids can reach out at any time of the day or night. D called last night about a question with her bank account-H looked it up, problem solved in 5 minutes. Back in the day, she’d have had to stand in line with hopefully enough quarters to call and hope we were home to answer, etc. Plus now there is Skype and Facetime.

I remind myself that these are young adults and that in a previous generation they would NOT have had much access to home, that D’s paternal grandparents never graduated HS, that her father had to work his way through college as an orphan, and our D has amazing opportunities in front of her and that I’d be foolish and selfish to make her stay close to home is that isn’t what she wants.

8

IMHO it really depends on the student and the specific family situation.

If there is dream school or program that is far away, then it can be worth it. If there are comparable programs in-state, or relatively close by - that’s fine too.

I went 8 hours away; my younger son is a short distance from campus (though he is living on campus). He’s independent and hardy, so I don’t think he will want to hover around the house. If he was more of a home-body I might not want to live quite so close (but still close enough for him to visit relatively easily).

Are there medical issues to consider? ADHD? Executive functioning problems? All of those things are something to think about too.

9

Both of my kids are an 8 hour drive away. I think they have both learned about different culture (not drastic but they have learned more than if they stayed close to home). We use FaceTime a lot and it is nice to “see” them. My daughter did get a better scholarship at her school than she would have if she stayed closer to home. Both of my kids have also become very independent (which I view as a good thing) and are able to pretty much handle all adult situations. I do see my friends with kids closer, “swooping in” and helping in manners that we are not able (which we are fine with). Examples - one friend drove 45 minutes to change her child’s flat tire. Another drove an hour to sit with her child when her boyfriend broke up with her, another drove 1.5 hours to go to a doctors appointment (for possible a broken wrist - not life threatening). Again, these are things your wife will not be able to do and she has to be OK with that!

10

It’s also important to remember that even if parents DO insist on a kid staying close to home, as legal adults once they are done with school and have paying jobs, they are free to live anywhere they wish-even in other countries. Sure, we can control them with our checkbook, but at some point, they get to control their own lives-better on good terms than not.

11

I currently have one close (90 minute drive) but our High School senior may end up a plane flight away. It really isn’t an issue with the parents, we’ll not be happy about it, but we’ll learn to cope. This is really is about the student. What’s best for them.

If they have challenges making friends, finding their “tribe” and/or high levels of anxiety, then being closer to home may make sense. That first semester away from home can be tough, and a few more visits from friends and family can help. Especially if they are attending a challenging school or pursuing a rigorous major.

On the other hand, some students can thrive on their own. In fact, it’s something they crave and is part of the “experience” they want from college.

If they are up to the challenge, let them go. If they want to stay closer to home, listen to what they are saying. It could be normal anxiety, and something they can deal with, or it could be something you should take more serious. Really, only you and your wife really understands what they can handle or need.

It’s all one factor out of many that your family needs to consider when picking colleges.

Good Luck!

12

its a family choice… if the student has lots of choices for their program in the region they live in, there are certainly conveniences to being close (travel, events, etc…) I don’t like how some on CC make it seem that kids that stay within a few hours of home are less independent than kids that fly off to another region. If you have good choices in the area, and the student likes the area (and likes their family :-* ) then staying near home is great.

13

I was 20 minutes from home. I wish I had been farther! I was expected to go to church with my parents every Sunday. Ack. But it didn’t make sense to go away when UT-Austin had such a highly ranked civil engineering program and was so inexpensive.

I WILL say that it was very difficult for S to be 2,500 miles away from home when he had his psychotic break as a freshman. But we had no warning he would become mentally ill, so I don’t kick myself over it.

D will be an 8-hour drive from home. She has anxiety, but her counselor and doctor feel that she is well-prepared with coping skills and should be fine. Keeping my fingers crossed. I’m tired…

14

@suzyQ7 I see a difference between staying close to home out of choice because there are good options (I did ,back in the day) and staying close to home because mom or dad can’t handle their kid(s) being far away and REQUIRE it. My older D lives 10 minutes from me but couldn’t be any more independent-she always was. My sister never lived more than an hour from home, even for college, and was not as independent as she could have been. But it was HER choice, not my parents. Same with my older D. She lived OOS for a time, has moved back. She’s a grown up and gets to do that.

15

@mknott – we have the same concerns. My D wants to go OOS, too. The good thing is that there are numerous ways to communicate these days. I think we’ll use Skype/Facetime as a way to “be there”. Another good thing is that you live near a major airport, so you can get just about anywhere via a direct flight in case some sort of emergency arises.

16

@mknott First of all, it is a difficult adjustment for parents. I get how your and your wife feel. We have 3 daughter, 2 still in HS. The general advice on this thread has been what’s best for the specific student and I fully agree with that.

Three things from me: First, our oldest daughter D13 got into her dream school, a large state university 30 minutes from home. She likes it there and is a rising senior. She has no regrets. I have regrets. She is currently living in a house with 2 girls she has known since third grade, one in college with her. Her boyfriend is from our neighborhood and is in community college, after flunking out of another school his freshman year. D13 has met no new friends. Also, a good number of HS grads from our small town migrate to this larger college city and hang out with the ones who are in college. It’s HS all over again! My D13 moved out of dorm after her freshmen years and is essentially a commuter. This situation will not line up with yours much, maybe none at all, but is just one example how a nearby college can yield a situation less than ideal. (At least to parents. D13 is fine with it, but she is seeing it thru eyes of a 21 year-old. She is missing key parts of the college experience).

Second, even living near a city like Chicago, the best fit for your daughter may be an OOS school. Our D17 is going to apply ED to Reed in Portland, 2500+ miles away. If you are looking at private schools, you may even get a slight geographic hook. That your daughter is looking at colleges in Florida or Colorado is telling you something. And even f she goes to school nearby, who knows if she will get her first job in the Chicago area?

Third, what can you afford? Sometimes, families have unreal expectations of how much merit aid their kids will get. If you are full pay, or close to it this is less a concern. Has your daughter actually visited any of these faraway schools? That is vital for any college admission, but especially for her to experience the distance, as well as the campus vibe.

But again, I understand your concerns and feelings.

17

I feel fortunate to live in the Boston area which has a lot of great schools to choose from. My son recently said he sees no reason to apply further away when he has all sorts of options right down the street for him. He hasn’t spent tons of time in the city, so he isn’t bored with it and looks forward to exploring the city more. He also thinks he’ll have great access to internships, and when he graduates find a job easily.
I am not arguing with him :slight_smile: It will make things easier for us, I agree with his thinking, and I will be able to see him more. I like that!

18

D16 will be going OOS 6 hours away to school cheaper than the local options because of merit and is the perfect fit for her. S18 will likely stay instate but only 3+ hours drive for the same reasons.

19

It’s very true that it’s different for every family and every student. Here’s my story.
Both of my independent, urban kids wanted to attend schools on the far coast. One went to a rural LAC, and the other to an urban university. I was confident that they could handle themselves, as they had been taking public transportation to their HS for four years, and were quite city savvy.

When the first kid in the rural location experienced real seasons (not just fog, sun and drought…) for the first time, she mailed me an envelope full of red leaves and was thrilled that she could see them in person, rather than in a photo. Snow was more of a challenge, but she was able to adjust. She also determined early on that for grad school, she’d be coming back to our home city if possible. Fortunately, her educational experiences prepared her to gain admittance to the school of her choice - mere miles from our house.

The second kid chose an urban school, albeit a larger urban area. She loved her time there and stayed for another couple of years after graduation before moving back home to go to grad school.

Unfortunately, she did have a significant medical issue as a Freshman.
We were in contact via phone, and with the assistance of the school, she went to a specialist. She then called me from the dr’s office, who advised her go to the hospital to be admitted through the ER. I was terrified, but this also could have happened if she were a few hour’s drive away.

I was fortunate to have a number of airline frequent flyer miles saved up, and made a bee-line to the airport and got on a red-eye and flew across the country. It took me exactly exactly 9 hours from the doctor’s phone call, to sitting at her bedside at the hospital. Ironically, although I flew across the country and took a taxi directly from the airport to the hospital, when I got there she was still in an ER bay, having yet to be admitted as there were no free beds. She was finally admitted, got the treatment she needed and was back in class in a few days. I then flew home.

We now laugh that a large part of her undergrad experience was learned during that hospital experience, not in the classroom. She learned that she could recognize and seek appropriate assistance when there was an issue. She learned that not all administrative processes are successful and how to advocate for herself. Most importantly, she learned that a hospital setting was not what she wanted in her career after all, and ended up changing majors. The second irony is that she ultimately got her master’s in public administration, as her way to ‘fix’ systems from within.

The net result for both kids was that they grew and matured in environments that helped them to grow and mature. They gained the ability to traverse hardships and successes in supportive undergrad environments. For our family, allowing them to experience very different environments and very different people, helped them to become the adults they are today.

20

I’m the single mom of an only child. From the time my son was 4, it was just him and me, so I was very worried about adjusting to life once he left home.

I think it helped that after his sophomore year of high school he did a summer study abroad program in Mexico for 6 weeks. Since they wanted the student immersed in the language and wanted to avoid bouts of homesickness they discouraged any communication home. I had many more issues before the program with the ‘what ifs’ than I actually did once he went away and the 6 weeks passed fairly quickly.

When he went to look at colleges although he looked at a couple fairly close to home (one only about 40 miles away), I knew he wanted to spread his wings and was looking to be farther. The logistics and expense of air travel and shipping personal items seemed overwhelming, so I told him that he could apply anywhere that I was able to drive to within a single day.

He wound up at a school that’s 500 miles away, which is really a good distance. It’s easily drivable during a single day.

He will soon begin his 5th year there (since he completed a co-op right in the town where is school is located).

He was initially a little homesick, but I think more from missing his girlfriend at the time than his family, and he may have had the same adjustment even at a school closer to home.

When he has gotten sick, he has managed to get himself to the doctor all on his own (he also managed to get to an orthodontist to replace a few lost retainers).

We see each other about once a month - I travel to see him about once each semester and he travels home for fall break, Thanksgiving, winter break, spring break, and either for the whole summer or for a few weeks when interning or co-oping. He’s pretty independent and I don’t think he’d even want to see me more often (and although I was much closer to home when a student, I think I saw my family less often since I only saw them for breaks).

It would have been difficult for me to send him 1000+ miles away wondering about the expense and trouble of planning air travel any time I wanted to visit (although that does work for many), but for us 500 miles is a perfect distance, far enough for son to spread his wings and gain the independence he will need as an adult, yet close enough if I ever decide I want to make a last minute trip, I can get in my car and be there before dark.